Hello. I think this is very good and only needs a few corrections. I read it, then learnt it was in reference to abortion, read it again, and liked it more. Nice work. My suggestions are below:
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She walks through a golden hall.
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I'd like to know her name from the very beginning, so I can feel for her more. Eg. "Maria walks through a golden hall".
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Who is she? Her face is familiar. Is she supposed to be a younger version of me? No, she looks different. Wait, is she the one I got rid of?
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This is great. Before I knew it was about abortion, I thought the character had murdered someone, or sent someone to their death.
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She takes a step back and drops her mouth in shock. The young woman continues to approach her. With a loving smile the young woman reaches out her elegant hand to her. She takes the outstretched hand and begins to cry.
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This confused me a bit the first read through because I wasn't sure if your main character had taken the spirit's hand or vice versa. Perhaps say:
"She takes a step back and drops her mouth in shock. The young woman continues to approach her. With a loving smile the young woman reaches out her elegant hand to her. Maria takes the outstretched hand and begins to cry, overwhelmed by the strong sense of forgiveness."
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She wakes up on the operating table. “It’s done, it’s out of you now. It’s all over now,” the doctor says, “you can breath deep now. That was scary that you went out on us like that.”
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You send the main character back to the operating table very abruptly. Describe the process more - eg. the feeling of being returned to her body, or the young young woman telling her that she needs to return to continue her path in life.... or whatever. I also can't imagine the Doctor talking like that. The Dr. would be more like - "It's all over Maria. You gave us quite a scare but you'll be fine now." Reading what you have written I immediately don't like the Doctor and he/she seems to be very rude and unsympathetic.
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“She’s dead?”
“She? It wasn’t even human yet. It was barely an ‘it’”
She holds back her tears and begins to pray for forgiveness.
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Until you said this story was about abortion I didn't know what they were referring to. Perhaps the doctor can say: "She? The fetus was hardly even human yet. It was barely an "it"." Then use the character's name instead of the final She.
Just my opinion. I know I've babbled on a lot but I think the idea is wonderful and you just need to alter it a bit to make it more personal. Great! I'm going to look for more of your writing.
