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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 04-18-2005, 08:08 PM   #1
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Unforgivable Sin

[an:70ba299190]the title's supposed to be ironic, by the way [/an:70ba299190]

no, this isn't all of it, but I wanted to post something around here.

The alarm clock went off at six, just like it had every other morning for the past twenty years. He reached over blindly, but with an acquired skill, and turned the alarm off. The figure sleeping beside him did not stir. That was a long-practiced habit as well. Peter got out of bed, being careful not to disturb the other, and went to the bathroom. He stepped in the shower and turned the water on, feeling the warm spray on the back of his neck waking him up. He remained in the shower for no more than ten minutes, then got out. He did not bother wrapping a towel around his waist; he saw no point in the act. He walked back into the bedroom, ignoring the still-sleeping figure, and went to the closet. He found a respectable suit; after all, he was a respectable businessman, and silently got dressed. He had no need to hear voices, no need to make mindless conversation. He was efficient, and he got done what needed to be done. That was just his way; always had been, always would be.

He wandered down the hall of the apartment and into the small kitchen. He set up the coffeemaker and then let it run while he went outside to get the newspaper. Once he had gotten back in the apartment, he unfolded the newspaper and began to read it. The coffeemaker made a slight buzz when it was finished. Peter stood up, poured himself a cup, added two teaspoons of sugar and a drop of milk, stirred it thoroughly, and then sat back down.

At seven, he finished his coffee, folded the newspaper neatly and set it on the table. He put his expensive, designer shoes on, picked up his stereotypical briefcase and walked back into the bedroom. The other was still soundly sleeping. Peter smiled fondly and walked over to the bed. He planted a soft kiss on the wavy auburn hair, murmured, “have a good day,”, received a sleepy "love you", and walked out of the apartment. He got into his moderately nice car and drove the twenty miles to his job.

Once he was there, he got a second cup of coffee. It was still before nine and the day hadn’t really started yet. He was allowed to start his day a little late; he was an important guy and got a lot of respect from a lot of people. People respected his intelligence, they respected his position, they respected the fact that he had come from nothing and had yet risen up so far. He did not take advantage of that respect, he had not come to taken it for granted. He worked hard to keep his respect, and wouldn’t have accepted it if he didn’t feel that he deserved it.

Work started pouring in at just after nine and he settled down to a busy day in the office. At about ten in the morning, his phone rang. “Peter Jones,” he said.

“Hey,” said the voice at the other end.

Peter grinned. “Hey baby.”

“Are you coming home on time tonight?”

Peter sighed. “I don’t know. It depends on a lot.”

“You never come home on time anymore.” The voice was quite whiny, but Peter understood that. He never came home on time anymore. He had a lot of work to do in the past six months and often returned home in the middle of the night. It wasn’t exactly a situation he was happy about, though. He really did want to come home on time, eat dinner with the single person in the world that he loved, actually get to hold a civilized conversation.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I’ll come home tonight. Will you cook dinner if I promise?”

“I’ve cooked dinner for you before and watched it go cold waiting for you.”

Peter closed his eyes. He really didn’t want to fight right now. “Look, I want to come home. Really I do. You don’t understand how much I would give to be able to come home on time. Make dinner and I’ll call if I’m not going to be home.”

Peter heard a sigh at the other end. “Okay. But…I’m really starting to get sick of this…”

“I know you are, darling. Just wait until the promotion comes through…”

“And if you don’t get the promotion?”

“Can we not fight now?”

“Sorry. I’ll let you get back to work. It’s just that it’s been about three days since I’ve heard your voice.”

“I’m sorry. I will do everything in my power to be home tonight. I love you.”

“Love you too.”
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:15 PM   #2
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I think you make his homosexuality so subtle that it's obvious... Otherwise, it's written pretty well. The only problem I have is that sometimes it's a bit wordy. The opening sentence even—you could cut out the "for the past twenty years" part and show us how long he's been at the grindstone somewhere else in the text.

A few grammar mistakes as well, but nothing really serious... I'd point them all out but I'm in a hurry right now, so I'll be back later.
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:15 PM   #3
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Not bad. Where's it heading?
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:17 PM   #4
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hodge, so do you think I should go back and make it less obvious?

and dillo, I wish I could tell you, man.
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:19 PM   #5
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Any chance it might go careening out of control and end in a bloodbath?
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:20 PM   #6
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we'll see, my bloodthirsty dillo. First, though, I actually have to write it. *cringes*
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:23 PM   #7
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Quote:
hodge, so do you think I should go back and make it less obvious?
Well, it's just that you go out of your way to make the gender of the "figure" ambiguous (the purpose of which could only be to shock or surprise, and the man turning out to be straight certainly wouldn't be shocking to anyone). Try mentioning the person less, and use some expressions we'd normally associate with a man and woman being in love. Like instead of saying "the figure beside him lay sleeping" try "his other half lay beside him sleeping" or something else like that. Tr
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:23 PM   #8
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Yarr....**waves cutlass and waits for unncessary bloodshed**
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Old 04-18-2005, 08:24 PM   #9
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ah. okeydokey. thanks.

dillo, not sure I'll be able to engineer a cutlass in, but I'll give it my best shot.
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Old 04-18-2005, 10:52 PM   #10
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I second Hodge on his comments. Maybe if you named the partner something that could be used for either gender. Like Sam. Or Jordan. Or Alex, I suppose . That may make it easier to make the vagueness not feel so forced. Then again, it may help to have him remain nameless. Whatever you decide.

Also, I didn't think it was wordy at all. Maybe I'm biased since I'm a wordy writer myself, but it felt nice to me. Actually, looking back, it's a bit unnerving how similar this writing style is to mine. The whole "describe his character in the first paragraph and then expand on that through his actions as the story progresses" approach. Wild...

Details ho!

Quote:
People respected his intelligence, they respected his position, they respected the fact that he had come from nothing and had yet risen up so far. He did not take advantage of that respect, he had not come to taken it for granted.
This chunk was run-ons, and I'm sure they'll be easy to fix up all nice and purty-like.

Quote:
I will do everything in my power to be home tonight.
Urm, that's a bit too much sappy chivalry for me. You could definately make this more believable.

I'm super curious to see where this is headed. Perhaps Peter won't be on time after all, because he is assaulted by a female co-worker and he manages to fight her off (spilling some blood to please dillo perhaps) but not before she manages to get her perfume and lipstick on his shirt, which his partner takes as being sure signs of an affair, after which the entire world comes crashing down around their shoulders. *Shrug*
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Old 04-18-2005, 11:49 PM   #11
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Hmmm...wonder where you picked alex from

I like your comments and ideas, UMM. You can be sure they'll show up in the future. thankee for reading.
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Old 04-18-2005, 11:56 PM   #12
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I third what everyone else said.

Though I wish I didn't read the comments first before I read it, maybe I would have thought differently about their sexuality.

I definitly agree that when you use "other", that it really stands out that something is up.

I think I may no where this is going, he is cheating on his partner, which why he is so late all the time.

The other thing is try to mix up the sentence structure a bit. Alot of "he" does this, "he" does that.

I'm interested in the story though.

Also the Novel you were working on "For Freedom and Glory", are you still working on it, cause I want to know whats going to happen next after Nicklia killed himself in the white house by taking the cynaide tablet.
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Old 04-18-2005, 11:59 PM   #13
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thankee, gohn. obviously this needs some revision.

regarding said novel, yes, I am working on it in my spare moments. I do have another section that I can post tomorrow, when I'm back on my laptop.
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Old 04-21-2005, 05:30 PM   #14
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A woman once told me: "if a man is late for her dinner, that means he's having dinner with someone else."


Quote:
“have a good day,”,
I think one comma, wither in or without the quotes.

It's a turn-on when a woman writes about men. Refine it. It'll only get cozier.
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Old 04-21-2005, 07:20 PM   #15
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thanks, teflon.

I like the quote...I think it's true.
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