The Rose Waltz - Writers Forum

Maria Connie · 04-17-2005, 02:15 PM

The Rose Waltz

It was May, when the ice in the patio had melt and the flowers started to bloom, the emerald green of the leafs coming out in the trees dazzling all humans while the grass covers the one hard and cold soil a real miracle in nature to see.
The birds singing and the squirrels running by the trees under a blue and clear sky; In awe of nature cycles and with a prayer in her lips thanking the Most High for letting her witness , the explosion of colors that springs brings with its feelings of rebirth in all things in life, Rebecca sitting there in the middle of the patio in awe of Nature birth, contemplating a blue and clear sky, she laid in gratefulness of life. Suddenly she saw a shadow passing by the corner of her eyes she turn to look but there was nothing there when a melody was heard again she look to see where it came from but there was no one there, she was alone in the house and there the radio was off.
The melody persist with a melodious cadence of a soft waltz, she thought maybe a neighbored radio going on, the melody went on playing with its sweet rhymes,, making her feel elevated, she started dancing small steps with that contagious melodious waltz, when again she saw the shadow passing this time she focus on it and directing her sight to the near by Rose bush she observed the blooming of the roses at the compass of the waltz playing, it was a miracle this buds were alive and stretching and opening like a nature spectacle in front of her eyes, the Rose bush was covered by this shinning sun light that vitalized the bush, such and splendorous sight, she sat near to the rose bush, when the shadow she previously saw before stand in front of the bush, now she was worried, standing up she notice there was no tree to produce this shadow in front of the roses bush, so standing up from her sitting position she observed the shadow moving at the compass of the melody, it was dancing! Rebecca was amazed, she wasn't afraid of the shadow as a peaceful sensation Invade her being, She has heard different believe system stating there are fairies and gnomes, so she thought maybe one of them, if it does exist, so she curiously approached the rose bush while the melody was getting higher in its volume, the shadow was still dancing, Rebecca eyes were fix in the shadow she was trying to identify a form; she was 5 feet from the shadow and she suddenly stop, in front of her eyes the shadow took a form and then a cold sweat invade her, she was shaken like a leave immobilize and in a total amazement she saw a girl about 10 yrs old with a pink long dress and very blonde hair and blue eyes dancing in what she called the “Rose Waltz”.
At the site she couldn’t do nothing but be a spectator of a phenomenon, she couldn’t explain, the girl notice Rebecca presence and turn to the rose bush disappearing amount the roses that were blooming at her touch.
Few months past since that extra sensorial experience, when Rebecca coming from work was stops by a police car, the officer approach her and asked her for proper identification so she did, the officer looking at her told her she looked like
the mother of this girl that was adopted two years ago, smiling at the officer she said, sorry officer I don’t have children, but the officer Insisted are you sure, is this girl, while showing a picture with the reflection of the girl she has seen in the rose bush, she exclaim, I know her!.
Rebecca couldn't suppress the exclamation, the officer asked her to explain how she knows this girl if she wasn't the mother, then she stated she saw her In her dreams, she inquired what happen to the girl, the policeman told her they found her body no far from Rebecca house the same day that Rebecca saw her dancing in the rose bush the most interesting thing is, that they couldn't find her mother as she moved from town without leaving a forward address and the mother looks like her.
Rebecca in tears realize that the girl came to her because her resemble with her mother, and then she told the policeman the story of the presence in her patio, that was how she met this girl soul. She asked the policeman to please give her a photo of the girl so he did, and since then she prays for her soul each May in front of her picture and a white candle she lights at the rose bush where its heard the melody of a Rose Waltz.

Maria Connie De La Gandara2005

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-21-2005, 05:50 AM

if a woman told a police man that in real life she would end up in prison for murder, or in a psychiuatric ward aka a looney bin.
you should make the conversation with the police ma na bit more realistic

Chris Miller · 04-21-2005, 09:01 AM

Hi Maria,

Clearly you are not writing in your native language. I will not provide grammatical and technical feedback except to say almost every sentence is riddled with glaring errors. In a sense they give it a certain feel. I am impressed with your effort. I, myself, have no 2nd language to speak of and cannot imagine how hard it must be to write in one.

I would suggest you rewrite the piece, making each sentence as short as possible. It will read much easier, and be better technically.

You idea for the story is wonderful. And this is always the hardest part--for me anyway. I think you over-explain the ending. Let the reader figure some things out. I think the story needs to be longer. More time needs to elapse between the "waltz" and the epiphany (the revelation). The character of the woman needs to be developed a bit more, the mystery dragged out, and then resolved more subtly.