tj

this is the first piece of writting i have posted on here so i hope its ok, its something i wrote for collage a few months ago, the teacher liked it and i hope you will too.

Big Mistake


Jim slammed the metal door, water was dripping from the end of his crocked nose.
“Been swimming?” chuckled Daz.
“No” he shot back. “This place is hard enough to find.”
“Your late” Rew said.
“I just” he started but stopped himself. “So, what we dealing tonight?”
“The usual.”
“Oh, I thought you might have got something a bit more exotic.”
“Do you want this or not?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then shut it!”

It was a cold November’s night and the city was just coming alive. They were in an old warehouse, just north of London. The cops trashed their usual hide out last week and they are still on the run. This is a temporary meeting place until things on the legal side die down.

“How much you want?” questioned Rew
“How much you got?” said Jim
“Enough.”
“Well, how much” asked Daz
“I just said, enough.”
“Money?” groaned Daz
“Well” Rew started slowly “I’m upping the price this week.”
“What?”
“Say twenty per bag.”
“Twenty?”
“You want it, don’t ya?”
“Yeah.”
“Then twenty it is.”
Daz and Jim started to pull out their wallet.
“Hang on, what’s that?” Rew stopped them.
“What’s what?” groaned Jim “I need a smoke.”
“Shit, it’s the cops” Rew grabbed his bag and ran for the door. Jim and Daz followed.

It was too late; the cops were at the door. Rew turned for the back exit. He sprinted. This was his life. He could get banged up. All for making a living and having a good time.

Jim and Daz weren’t as fast and before long they were being handcuffed and thrown into the back of a police car.

Back at the station they were asked loads of questions. Daz got let out with a caution and his parents were called to come pick him up.

However Jim was found with cannabis in his pockets. This was all the evidence the police needed. He was kept in for a few days until a court day was set for 2 weeks later.

“How could you do this?” exclaimed Jims mother when he was finally picked up. “You know how dangerous drugs are, I thought you would have known better, but no you have to be like all the rest, follow the crowd.”

Jim just listened to his mother not responding to anything she had to say. He was just glad to be out of the cold dark cell he had spent the last few nights in. he was going home to nice warm bed. He just wanted to sleep and wake up to the days before Daz dragged him to Rew in the first place. It hadn’t been long ago, a month or so. But it was just so good, well it was until now.

Jim’s court case only lasted a few hours before the judge decided to let Jim go on the account that he would do some community work to help learn his lesson, but he didn’t, he had already learnt his lesson. He would never go back to drugs, or so he said. They’re addictive; it can’t be that easy to stop. Can it?

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life is short, dont waste it

Kimberly Bird

Hi tj, how are you. I hope you don't mind that I nitpick. Why was water dripping from Jim's nose? When you are writing dialogue, maybe get more indepths into their characters, so it is easier to read. Dialogue has to be written carefully, otherwise the reader will become discouraged.

Ex: "Been swimming?" Jim's partner Daz asked. Jim slammed the door, ignoring the sarcastic remark from his partner-in-crime. He didn't mind Daz; he trusted him enough in their line of work. There was something about Daz though, that kept him on edge. The man's eyes were dark and always hooded, like he was watching for a weakness, a lie, an emotion that didn't belong. Even his thin athletic body always looked like it was ready to uncoil and spring at any sign of provocation.

I got a bit carried away, but you know what I mean. If there is no emotional connection it is hard to relate or want to read about these men.

I did enjoy it though. Best of luck with this and your other writings, tj.

Kimberly

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There are two types of wisdom in this world; one is seeking and loud, the other is silent and true. (Chief Dan George)

tj

hey thanx kimberly, for pointing out that i forgot to state the fact it was raining, i intended to mention it somewhere in the dialog, but as u also pointed out i got a little carried away with it.

I like your example of how I should write my dialog, it brings a lot more description to the story. I'm more used to writing longer pieces therefore like to have confusing beginnings as i think it will interest the reader to read more into it, however i can see that it doesnt work so well here.

Thanks for the advise, I'll try to use it and will probably nick some of your ideas if you dont mind ofcourse.

Thanks again tj x

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life is short, dont waste it