semtecks

The lights went out, and it was dark that was how it started.
Anthony Cleaves stared at the screen of his run down computer in mute horror as the last flicker of light faded away.
“My project.” He squealed, as he shook the old monitor violently.
Anthony was one of those rare geniuses who would be headhunted by NASA, if they could remember to tie their shoe laces, comb their hair or save their work.
Anthony stood up sharply knocking over his chair; he then tripped and fell over it. He scrambled to his feet and made a squealing noise as he bashed his leg on the side of the bed. He hopped on one foot through the darkness and groped his way to the main living room.
Dev was there. Anthony could see his cigarette end glowing in the darkness.
“Dev, is that you?” Anthony asked, dreading the answer.
“Yeah, it’s me," Dev replied. “Heard you squeal like a piggy a minute ago, cheesy.”
Anthony scowled.
He hated it when people called him “cheesy” but dev already knew that, Janet had told him.
“Don’t call me cheesy.” Anthony said.
“Calm down mate,” he took another puff of his cigarette. “I’m just joking. Have you seen Janet?”
“She should be back from work in a minute.” Said Anthony.
Janet was Anthony’s’ room-mate. Anthony liked Janet a lot, but his theory was that girls like Janet always ended up with bullies. Which Janet had proven a month ago, when she started dating Dev.
Anthony fumbled in the dark for the sofa, when he found it he sat down too hard on the armrest and hurt his backside. “How did you get in anyway?” Anthony asked while rubbing his sore backside. “I locked the door.”
“Trying to keep me out are you, cheesy?” Taunted Dev.
“I told you not to call me Cheesy!” snapped Anthony
The room went very quiet. Anthony’s stomach squirmed.
Uh oh, thought Anthony. He’s going to kill me.
Dev’s cigarette fell to the floor and he extinguished it with his foot. “Look mate,” he said. “You don’t like me and I don’t like YOU. But if you speak to me like that again….Ill bloody kill you.”
Anthony didn’t say a word. He just sat in the darkness not even daring to breathe. He knew from experience that people like dev weren’t people to talk back too.
Even though Anthony had met Dev a month ago, he felt like he’d known him his whole life. Dev was no different from the bullies who’d plagued him from childhood; the bullies who’d called him four eyes, who’d beat him up and took his lunch money, the bullies who’d given him wedgies and chocolate swirlies.
“Janet gave me a key, that’s how I got in.” Dev said, indifferently.
Anthony said nothing, he wasn’t even listening. He was imagining what it would be like to beat Dev’s brains in. If the lights where on Dev would see the huge grin on Anthony’s face.
Dev walked to the kitchen gracefully, despite the dark. He rummaged in the draws using his lighter to see the contents. “Hey Cheesy.” He called. “Where do you keep your candles?”
Anthony said nothing.
“I said where do you keep your candles?” Dev called impatiently.
Anthony said nothing.
“Not talking to me are you cheesy? hurt your feelings did I?” Dev said with mock sympathy as he rummaged the draws. “You know you’re problem cheese? you’re a coward. That’s why no one likes you. Not even Janet.”
Anthony said nothing.
“You may think she likes you. But in reality she just pities you.”
Anthony cried out in silent pain. Dev had found his weak spot, Anthony felt a storm of rage building inside him.
As if Dev could sense pain, he went in for the kill like a predator. “That’s why she’s with me not you.” Dev spat. “You think I don’t see the way you look at her? I’ve seen you, following her round like a dog.” Dev laughed.
Anthony was fuming with rage, his whole body was shaking.
“What would a girl like Janet want a geek like you for?” Dev abandoned his search for candles and walked to the coach where cheesy was sitting. “Are you listening to me Cheesy?”
Anthony said nothing.
“Come on cheesy, fight me,” He slapped Anthony across the head. “Fight the bully.” He taunted, slapping Anthony again. “If you win, Janets yours. Now come on fight me!” he shouted.
A car pulled into the driveway, its headlights filled the room with light momentarily. Dev saw the wide grin on Anthony’s face, he tried to step back in fear, but it was too late.
Anthony was already on top of him raining punches on his head. Dev tried to fight back but Anthony’s rage was too strong, he tried to crawl away but he only managed to reach the front door before Anthony was on top of him again.
Dev tried to scream stop, but all that came out was. "Stohh.." Before Anthony punched him in the mouth and one of his front teeth went flying across the room.
Anthony kept punching Dev in the face until each blow made a squishing noise, and his fists were covered with blood.
All at once the front door flew open, and there was a loud click as the power came back on. Janet stood framed in the doorway her mouth hung open in a big O of shock.
“Anthony!” She cried. “What the hell are you doing?”
Anthony sat on Dev’s Chest, one bloody fist frozen in mid punch.
Dev was sobbing like a child.
Anthony turned to Janet and smiled as he said. “I told him not to call me cheesy.”

crzywriter

I like this story, but i think you do too much telling and not enough showing. for example, you say that he's the kind of guy NASA would hunt for if he could comb his hair, etc. that could definitely be expanded upon. basically, there weren't too many grammar goofs that i found, so you go up a notch on my books. if you rewrite and expand, i'll definitely be back to check it out.

~Crzy

Mercury

This was good! kept me reading to the end. The showing not telling thing was'nt too apparent later on, I thought, and I liked your characters and descriptions. I was just a little confused as to how the 'geek' suddenly had it in him to overpower the bully, a little expansion here perhaps?

semtecks

Thanks for your comments guys, this is my first posting on this site so i really appreciate you taking the time to comment on a newbie like me.

I appreciate the constructive crits, your both right about showing and telling, i'll take another look at the story and edit it, i'll also try and explain why cheesy suddenly became strong enough to overpower Dev.

Aaron

Rob

Hi Semtecks,

I didn't get as far as finishing this, but that's okay. You have a lot of work to do on your punctuation, as this is full of basic errors. I had a quick skim of your other story and that suffers from the same. It's nothing that can't be learned in a relatively short time, but you do need to address this as it's really distracting when reading a story to find it littered with such errors.

I would get hold of a book that covers basic punctuation and spend a little time each day on one element. Before long you'll see quite an improvement. You don't need to be an expert in punctuation in order to write well, and you can reach a reasonable standard quite quickly with a little effort. If you don't have a book, do a search on the internet and you'll find plenty of sites that'll help.

Some examples:

> The lights went out and it was dark that was how it started.

There's no punctuation between the start and end of this sentence. There should be a pause of some kind after 'dark', a semi-colon or full stop would do.

> Anthony cleaves stared at the screen ...

If Cleaves is Anthony's surname it should start with a capital letter.

> "My project." he squealed as he shook the old monitor violently.

Dialogue appears to be problematic for you. Here there should be a comma after 'project':

"My project," he squealed ...

> Anthony was one of those rare geniuses who would be headhunted by nasa; if they could remember to tie their shoe laces ...

NASA should be in capitals and the semi-colon should be a comma.

> "Dev, is that you?" Anthony asked,

This is fine, but:

> "Yeah, it’s me" Dev replied.

This should have a comma after 'me':

"Yeah, it’s me," Dev replied.

> "Calm down mate." he took another puff of his cigarette.

Here, what follows the speech is a separate sentence and should start with a capital letter:

"Calm down mate." He took another puff of his cigarette.

But:

> "Trying to keep me out are you, cheesy?" Taunted Dev.

Here 'taunted' should be all lower case:

"Trying to keep me out are you, cheesy?" taunted Dev.

and here:

> "I told you not to call me cheesy!" Snapped Anthony

same thing applies:

"I told you not to call me cheesy!" snapped Anthony.

> "Look mate." He said.

Should be a comma and no capital letter following:

"Look mate," he said.

I could continue, but it'd just be more of the same.

Cheers,
Omni

semtecks

Thanks for your advice, Ominus it will be really helpfull to me. I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to write such a lengthy piece on punctuation for me.I will try to implement all the changes in punctuation you've suggested. franlky i find it hard to enforce punctuation while writing on the keyboard for some reason, but i'll take extra special care to proofread my work before publishing from now on.
aaron