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Killing Miss K
Rita Kaufmann was not a nice lady, in her thirty years of living in no: 22 Pleasant Crescent, she had alienated every person in the small cul-de-sac; One neighbour had actually committed suicide as a result of her venomous tongue.
That is why all thirty three of her neighbours came together for a meeting on a rainy day in March.
“What are we going to do about the bitch?” said Reverend Parker, from number 7. “Every Sunday she comes to church, and criticises my service. I’m starting to lose my faith.”
“So you think that’s bad.” Mrs Jones of number 17 said. “Every day for a whole year she called my daughter “fatty”. Now she’s anorexic.”
“She could stand to lose a few pounds.” Some wit said quietly.
“Look at this.” Said Emily Porter, of number 21, pointing at a large red lump on the side of her head. “I told her to shut up, and she threw a brick at me.”
“She scratched my car.” Someone shouted.
“She ran over my dog.” Someone else shouted. “Twice!”
“People please.” Reverend Parker said, waving his hands in a gesture of silence. “We could shout about all the thing miss k has done to us all day, but we need solutions now, not talk.”
Joseph, who’d been listening to the debate silently, stood up and strode into the centre of the throng of people. “I have a solution.” He said.
The room went quiet as the people of pleasant crescent studied the young man, most of them considered Joseph a hooligan, but if he could take care of Miss K they might just give him a chance.
“And what is this solution of yours, young man.” Reverend Parker asked.
“simple.” Joseph said. “We kill the evil bitch.”
Somebody gasped loudly, old Mr Thompson of number 19’s face lit up in a huge grin.
“Murder?” Reverend Parker removed his glasses and polished them with his shirt. “Murder…..interesting.”
“Reverend Parker?!” Mrs Jones protested loudly. “I don’t believe you, how could you talk about murdering another human being so casually?”
“I’m not talking about murdering another human being, I m talking about murdering Miss K.”
“What about the Bible?” someone shouted. “Doesn’t it say, Thou shall not kill?”
Reverend Parker scowled. “The Bible says a lot of things, such as “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” Now let’s kill the bitch.”
Joseph smiled, he didn’t care much about Miss K, he was thick skinned and her vitriolic words just made him laugh. What Joseph really cared about was the gold antique coins Miss K kept on display on her living room shelf. “We’ve got to make it look like a burglary; I’ll break in, take some stuff, and take care of Miss K. When the police ask questions, I’ll say I was having dinner with Reverend Parker.”
There was a few arguments about the ‘plan’ from some of the residents who objected on moral grounds; of course they were people who’d suffered less abuse from miss Kay, and they hadn’t realised how unrelentingly cruel she could be, but eventually the matter was settled.
Joseph picked miss k’s lock at 11 pm, while the residents of Pleasant Crescent anxiously watched their clocks and watches and twitched their curtains. At 11.05 pm they heard a piercing scream, followed by the blast of what sounded like a shotgun. They breathed a communal sigh of relief.
At 11.25.pm the residents spilled outside to wave goodbye to Miss K.
Reverend Parker smiled as he saw a stretcher being pushed by two men dressed in white, there was a body on the stretcher, but it was covered with a sheet. “Good riddens to ba-” He stopped mid sentence.
Stood in the doorway of number twenty two was Miss K, dressed in a nightgown and holding a double barrelled shotgun. “Call yourself a thief?” she shouted at the stretcher, carrying the late Joseph. “I saw you coming a mile away.” She looked at the shocked residents of Pleasant Crescent. “You’d be surprised what a man will say when you point a shotgun at his happy sack.”
Reverend Parker clutched his heart; he felt a dull throbbing ache in his chest.
Miss K looked at Reverend Parker with a stupid grin on her face. “See you in church Reverend.”
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