Ajax

Dialog piece.

This is an attempt at rapid characterization.

I'm primarily focusing on the interactions between characters here, and this an attempt to establish some initial characterization. The question to ask yourself afterwards is, what do you know of each person in the story? If you don't have a feel for at least a couple of them, then it fails, but if you think you can place them, then it succeeds.

The next question, of course, is do you as a reader care about what happens next to these people? Does it interest you enough to read another chapter, or is it boring?

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The five wizards met in the old wooden cellar below the tavern that bore the name "Kael's Wormy." And though the cellar was dark and dank, and certainly reeked of old loam and fermented barley, the five of them sat around the table and chatted as if they were inside the dining room of the finest inn. It was wizardly wisdom that allowed ignorance of poverty to be lit and extinguished like the flame of a candle. And these five had become dim indeed. They could care less about the dirty stone floor and the surrounding kegs of aging ale. To them, this was merely someplace out of the way where they could meet on a regular basis.

At this time of day, in the mid-afternoon, it was too early to be drinking heavily, and too late to be concerned with lunch. So they smoked their pipes. All five of them had already eaten—though you couldn't tell this by Rork's attitude. The fat old man had long ago devoured every last bit of the bread, and cheese and sausage, but he continued to check the empty baskets every few minutes, perhaps in the hope that they were enchanted and would refill themselves. Each time he did so, Laele rolled her eyes and tried not to notice.

No one spoke for a time. They simply sat there and blew a different variety of smoky oddities at each other. All except Kym who did not smoke a pipe and simply occupied herself with daydreams.

"Things have been going too well lately," said Yaku suddenly. Then he ran his hand over his bald scalp like he always did before staring around the table at each person in turn. Kym seemed sleepy, Laele was examining some scratches on the table, and the look on Rork's face clearly indicated that he was about to fart. Only Edber appeared to be paying any attention, and he blew a smoke-ring right at Yaku, surrounding his bald head in a wreath of translucent fog. "You're right." declared Edber. "We should stir up some trouble!"

"That's not what I meant," replied Yaku. But Kym woke up and turned to Edber. "Oooohh," she said, "what KIND of trouble?" Yaku covered his face with his hand and sucked on his pipe. He knew he'd have to wait now. Edber was going off on one of his silly little rants, and no one would pay attention to Yaku again until it became quite clear that the entertainment was over.

"Well, my dear," said Edber, leaning back in his chair and taking on a look of absolute superior wisdom, "It has become apparent to me that there is a serious lack of good cheese in this town. Now we all know the problem is that it takes entirely too long to make it. It would be far more convenient if cheese came from another source entirely. Say... flowers. Yes... what if roses, instead of blooming with petals, bloomed with a good goladaire or swemaska? Or maybe," he declared excitedly, "it could be a combination of rose burgundy cheddar inter-mixed with sheets of luudenndarf. Can you imagine the flavor?"

"Uuuhhhnnnn," moaned Rork, and the four of them turned to look at him. His mouth was open and his eyes were staring vacantly into space. "Delicious," he whispered. He was obviously nearing rapture from thought of all the cheese. At which point he farted loudly.

"By the Gods!" declared Edber to Yako. "Hurry up!"

Yaku scowled at Edber, and then concentrated. You couldn't just go waving your hands in the air casting spells like there wasn't any effort involved. And manipulating the air in here was a delicate matter. If he did it wrong, Yaku could ruin Kael's entire stock of brew. Then where would they hold their meetings? In the old wizard's mind, he located the spell he wanted and brought it forth from his subconscious and placed it on the palette of his mind's eye. Yaku then spoke the words and waved his hand and drew magical energy from the ether around them into the pattern.

The air in the room suddenly seemed to grow thicker for a brief moment, and then the stench faded rapidly away to be replaced by the fresh odor of a mountain breeze in springtime. Everyone at the table let out their breath in obvious relief. "You're really going to have to show me how to do that sometime," said Edber.

"Of course," replied Yaku, his eyes narrowing with a sly look. "But you're going to have to show me how to create a pocket full of sunshine first."

Edber frowned. He was most certainly NOT going to be explaining how to create a pocket full of sunshine. That was one of his own spells, and it had taken him years to develop and master it. Giving the technique away just for the ability to keep a room smelling fresh was simply not going to happen. Pocket full of sunshine had become a signature trick for Edber, and if just anyone could do it, he'd lose the reputation that spell had made for him amongst the scholarly circles they all haunted.

"In any case," continued Yaku, now that they'd drifted away from Edber's attempt to dominate the conversation with the stupidity about about cheese-flowers, "What I meant when I said that things around here are too quiet is that I believe our enemies have been busy preparing something. They certainly haven't given up trying to cause problems for us."

"I agree," yawned Kym. "After that last scrying attempt at your tower, it is obvious that there is something you own that they wish to possess. We're all aware that someone tried to put an eye in there for a reason, and I'd very much like to know what you've got tucked away in your tower that would interest a necromancer."

The bald wizard looked away and huffed loudly before stroking his scalp again. He knew exactly what she was hinting at, and he didn't appreciate the sentiment. "It isn't so much that they want something I've got Kym," he told her "It's that they want to know what I've been up to. If you want to look around my tower to see that I don't possess the Heart of Stone, then feel free. I haven't got it. I never had it. And if I did have it I'd be consulting with ALL of you on the best way to destroy it."

"Alright you two!" exclaimed Edber. "Let's not go into THAT again." It appeared to Edber that Kym still believed Yaku was holding out on them, and Edber fully understood how that made Yaku feel. But despite Edber's own uncertainty, he did not want to listen to the entire argument again. It was just too boring.

Suddenly Rork perked up, as if he were remembering something. "I was talking to an Elf in the Forest of Del a few days back," he muttered, not sure if the others were listening and not really caring. "I meet with him every week to get a supply of ice brandy, but this time was different. He was nervous, and he mentioned that he'd seen shadows moving through the forest. Shadows that left no trail. And for a forest Elf that is very strange. You know how they are about tracking things. So I thought perhaps these shadows were specteres or wraiths. And that made me wonder what such things were doing in Del. After all, The High Priest Anvaliss blessed that entire forest back in 33. You want to know more? Go and ask the Elf."

"Yess..." hissed Laele. "You wouldn't want to waste your own time investigating something. That might cause you to miss a meal. And we all know what a travesty that would be."

Edber shook his head. It was bad enough that Yaku thought of himself as the leader of the group, but this constant bickering about one thing or another always made it nearly impossible to come to a consensus about actually doing something. The five of them thought of themselves as the protectors of this town, but it seemed they were poor protectors when their conversations always devolved into petty squabbles amongst themselves rather than direct ideas regarding how to keep the town safe from the surrounding troublemakers. Of course, Edber was also aware that his own irreverent and ridiculous sense of humor didn't help things. It was hard to help himself though. He was a natural born smart-ass.

"I don't suppose you actually saw any of these shadows yourself?" Yaku asked Rork.

"I would have told you if I had," grunted Rork, eyeing the empty baskets again. "But I didn't linger in the forest." Then he gave Laele a pointed stare, "I had a roast boar on the spit at home, and I don't trust my apprentice to spin the meat. I wasn't about to let that boy burn my hog again."

"Well one of us needs to investigate!" exclaimed Yaku before Laele could reply to Rork's opening with the obvious insulting anecdote. "And as you all seem to have other things to do, I suppose I shall have to be the one."

"Not by yourself!" stated Kym. "What are you going to do if you run into a wraith Yaku? Make it smell better? No, I'd better go along." But the look she gave him made it obvious that she simply didn't trust him. "I have some spells for dealing with the undead, and we all know your magic is simply too limited," she told Yaku.

"You can come along if you want," replied Yaku softly. "I don't mind having you with me Kym. I know full well what you're capable of, and if I should run into trouble of that sort then there's no one I'd rather have by my side."

Kym stared back and Yaku with a flash of ire in her gaze. Nothing angered her more than poor attempts at manipulation. And she just didn't trust him. "Fine," she stated flatly. "I'll watch your back."

The wounded look Yaku gave her seemed to hint at his own feelings on the matter. He didn't know how to regain her trust. He'd tried everything he could, but Kym was very difficult. She seemed to have a natural paranoia towards those she thought had wronged her once, and Yaku simply couldn't figure out a good way to get beyond it.

"Excellent!" sighed Edber with relief. "Let's all meet back here in two days then to hear what you've discovered." And with that Edber stood up and brushed the crumbs off his robe before scooting his chair back in. The others quickly followed suit and the meeting was adjorned.

Captain K.

Hi Ajax,

I don't claim to be a superb writer, but I'll give a bit of feedback based on my initial read through your work. I'm assuming this would be the first scene of a longer story, correct??

First off, I think you did a good job on characterisation in such a short piece. These are my impressions of the 5 wizards after just one read - are these what you are trying to convey:

Yaku - try-hard leader of sorts, proactive, hiding secrets from the others
Edber - unfounded superiority complex, excitable
Kym - ditsy, disinterested, untrusting
Rork - Loves food
Laele - antisocial, cynical

Just a comment on viewpoint - you seem to write this with an omniscient viewpoint, jumping in and out of the wizards heads at will. Maybe to do so much characterisation in a short space, that's required, but as I read, I thought it would be interesting to have the viewpoint stick with Yaku and have the characterisation of the others flavoured by his own biases. just a thought...

Would I read more - maybe. With all the talk of spells to clear the air, pockets full of sunshine and turning flowers into cheese, I'm a little sceptical about the abilities of these wizards to protect a town. My interest is perked by the hints at a secret Yaku is hiding (story question - What is the Heart of Stone?), who their enemies are, and what's going on in the forest. Do I think these wizards could take on shadows or wraiths with their petty spells?? Hell no, but that's what could make the story really interesting as their abilities and secrets unfold...

Hope this helps Ajax.

Captain K.

Ajax

Thanks Captain K.

Do you think that, in general, people prefer to stay in one head and view the story from one viewpoint?

Does the transition from viewpoint to viewpoint become disturbing or break up the story? And about what frequency would you think a transition between viewpoints to be acceptable (once per five paragraphs, once per chapter, never)?

This post is more of an experiment to see where I'm at. A kind of test for myself, which is why I appreciate the info. I've been writing extensively at a PBP RPG forum for the last year, and I'm trying to figure out if that's corrupted me any. In those kind of situations, you don't get feeback on your writing quality, you just get other people's continuation of the storyline.

Thanks!

Captain K.

Hey Ajax

I can't speak for people generally, but I prefer sticking with one viewpoint at a time. That's not to say I want to stick with that viewpoint for an entire story. It's interesting to see events, and character's reactions to those events, from the eyes and mind of different characters. For a sense of cohesiveness, I would say to stick with one viewpoint per scene.

Personally, I do find the viewpoint-jumping kind of jarring. Take the following paragraph as an example...

The viewpoint is a little confusing - the first sentence appears to be from Kym's viewpoint, and then it seems to go back to Yaku for the rest. I remember having to read this paragraph a couple of times to understand just who's doing the thinking... it definitely disturbs the flow for me as reader.

I'm likely guilty of this in my writing ... it's easy to do, and I've read published books where this sort of thing slips in. Omniscient viewpoint is a valid choice, but you do run the risk of confusing the reader. If you want to use this, don't jump too often, and when you do, make it as obvious as possible to the reader where the viewpoint currently is -- though personally, I'd change viewpoints only after scene breaks.

I hope this helps...

Captain K.

Ajax

In the one you referenced, that's all Yaku's thought process about Kim. I never change the point of view inside of a paragraph, you're completely correct and I agree with you, that would be extremely confusing.

I think the problem with a short jumpy character sequence like this is exactly what you mentioned. It's very difficult to do correctly, and you have to keep mentioning the character's names in order to keep the reader on track. It's much easier to run one point of view, and I think readers like it more too. I believe someone told me once not to make readers work any more than you can. Reading should be effortless, and this little dialog requires far too much thinking to keep all the pieces intact.

It's an interesting experiment, and it's taught me something.

Thanks for your feedback. I think I'll stick to one point of view in the future, and only use this type of construction after characters have been established in previous chapters. I think that once the reader has become familiar with the characters I'll be able to use the usual shortcuts and tricks without them getting confused. But in the beginning, pov should be limited.

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