Selorian

Crzy, I have read all your stories and none of them are really my genre of choice, but I must say that I really like this one. The under-currents of something more than war is going to make this an endearing story.

As in all your works, everything appears to be pretty solid grammatically. I have noticed some misspelled words but I'm sure you can catch them yourself. If you want though, just ask and I will point them out to you.

I do have a few suggestions I want to point out. You may use them if you wish, but if not, that is fine as they are just my opinions. Here we go.

~~~~~~


You have already given his name in the first paragraph when he answers the phone. This seems a bit redundant and could possibly be either shortened to just a first name or to 'he'.

This is an excellent description of Joseph, but it seems out of place here. I was pulled from the story the way it was presented. A possibility would be to insert this into the next paragraph and give the description of Joseph as his wife looks at him from the other room. I think that would flow smoother and weave itself into the story instead of seeming like info dump.

This is a very good sentence, but it just seems a bit long. Maybe it could be broken down into two and it would read better. If you wanted, could make them a little short to evoke the feeling of the situation.

This is another very good line, but it just doesn't seem to read well. I had to go back over it. You may want to consider rephrasing it to make it read smoother.

I really like this a lot. Good stuff.

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I think the letter fits in nicely, so I won't comment on it rather than just this line. I think you're doing a great job on the revision and look forward to seeing more. When you're done, I believe this will be one of those stories that can really make a person stop and think. It will definitely be one people will remember for a long time after reading. Keep up the good work!


Cliff

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crzywriter

Cliff: thanks...and i love your sig

well, here's the next bit...

Joseph Gardner wiped a sweaty forehead with a dirty hand, smearing mud on his face. Looking out over the desolate landscape, it was hard to understand what he was fighting for. Everything here was dead. The Germans had already burned this place to ashes. It tortured his heart every time he saw the twisted figure of some child sacrificed to the brutality of war.

Thinking of children made him think about Richard, to whom he had only written one letter. He had no idea what the American media was reporting about this war, but he was certain that it was not the truth. Joseph could not, would not lie to Richard about how badly things were going at the moment.

He had lost more men than he could count or remember, much to his regret. The faces haunted him in his sleep, but he could no longer name them. He had not escaped entirely unscathed. He had taken a bullet to the left shoulder last month and so that arm was reasonably useless. And due to poor hygiene out on the front, he had contracted an eye infection that had lost him his left eye.

“Sir?” asked one man.

Gardner turned to him; he was horrified to realize that he had no idea who the sergeant was. His eye flickered briefly to the name on the uniform, Buckley. “Yes, Sergeant Buckley?”

“They want you back at headquarters, sir.”

A smile appeared on Gardner’s filthy face. He had been called back to headquarters more times than he could remember. Though he knew what the penalty for this kind of disobedience could be, no one could deny that he was good at the messier bits of war; much better than he would be at a desk job. “We have a war to win, Sergeant.”

Selorian

Hello again, Crzy!

This is another great piece. Very well done. The only thing I noticed is just one small little thing.

This is just nitpicking, but if he has lost an eye, maybe this should be changed to 'eye' instead of 'eyes'.


Again, keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more. BTW, glad you like my sig. It is so true, isn't it.



Cliff

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crzywriter

Cliff:
Yes, your sig is so true...esp. when you have other people pointing out the mistakes for you!

And yes, the eye thing is completely right. I added in him losing his eye after I had already written that segment. Thanks for pointing it out and I've already changed it.

As always, thanks for reading.

~Crzy

jetmanjake

Awwww. No barroom brawl...

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drbubba43

Sorry, but somehow the brawl just ain't the same without the bar to go with it...

Ray

crzywriter

No...sorry...no fighting...hehe...no bar, either.
~Crzy

Anyway, here's the next little bit:

November 4

Richard,

I am sorry that I have been unable to write to you over the past few months. I have been very busy and have been moving almost constantly. Nearly every battle turns in our favor. We are pushing the war to an end. You can be sure of that. Since my last letter, I have lost 315 men, but I have kept more than four times that alive.

I won’t and can’t pretend life is easy for me. But every day I get up and keep going because I want nothing more than to come home.

Please do not worry about me. As an officer, I am not right at the front. I will return home safe. I miss you so much and cannot wait to see you again. Your mother has sent me pictures. You are growing up so fast. As always, you are in my heart, every moment of every day.

Col. Gardner