crzywriter

thanks demonic.




~Crzy

crzywriter

nearly done the second chunk. this is a momentous feat for me, as i woke up less than an hour ago (in my time zone, it is now 3:46 p.m. that's right i slept all day)

it's going to be a letter, i think. quite short, as well.



~Crzy

crzywriter

and the next little bit...


June 16

Richard,

We arrived yesterday and only now are we completely organized. I’m still in my warm rooms in headquarters, but the next letter I write to you will be from some battlefield. I have seen the reports, and this does not look like the war will last much longer. Give me a few months and I’ll be home again.

It is beautiful here. Someday when this is over, I will bring your mother and you here. It is hard to imagine that any would want to sully this ground with fear and hatred. This far away from the front, it is easy to imagine that I’m not at war, and that makes me miss you more.

I must keep my letters brief and I apologize for lack of specifics. I cannot give out many details regarding my position or my battles. The likelihood of interception, while slim, is still there. I will tell you everything I can.

Remember, while I am gone, you are the man of the house. Keep me in your heart and in your prayers, for you are always in mine.

Lt. Col Gardner.

Londongrey

This has to be one of the best short stories I have read in a long time. You stayed away from all of the 'American Army' thing which can often get on my nerves, you know what I mean, the matcho stuff and the inhuman talk.

This was human though, not because of the subject but because of the naivity of the little boy who grew up in a jolt.

I could see this happening, and the image of the toy soldiers was astonishingly vivid.

This has an underlying message which I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but that is not important. The message was about the inhumanity of war, even then to the civilians who watched through the media and even those out there fighting. Puts everything into perspective and this could be hailed as one of those stories to bring the truth home.

Thank you for sharing this and relaying such an important message. Unlike others I did not take the military ranks and number of men seriously, he was after all talking to his little boy, details like that can be totally left out as it adds to the father/son relationship. A very sweet one.

I loved this and thank Nae for pointing me here.

Alex xxx

__________________
You are only as dull as the light in the room you occupy, everything else is just hearsay - Me, about five minutes ago.

zaoshang

Great stuff. I'm really impressed. I agree with the others, this story has a powerful message.

I think there's still some editing needed, especially on the plot structure. This story's idea is so wonderful, it would be a shame not to put it in perfect shape. The reworked sections sound much better, of course.

Two suggestions (ignore them if you don't agree):

It was clear to me the time frame was WW2 (Americans fighting against Germans - that made it obvious). Yet, I'd say it would be a good idea to try and suggest the historical moment from the very beginning, by mentioning one or two details specific to the 1940s. (Otherwise, the reader will think of Afghanistan or Irak, which I don't think is desirable.) If you just say "he picked up the phone," the readers will picture a modern-looking phone. Does the phone have a spinning dial? Is the receiver black and heavy? A little detail like that can suggest the past. Doing a bit of research on the everyday objects of that time should help. Maybe you'll find some specific kitchen accessories to mention when you bring Ms Gardner into the picture. Or: at the time, the soldiers were made of lead, I'm almost sure. A title like "A WW2 story" would be just too blunt, in my opinion.

Another suggestion. The toy soldier is the central symbol of your story. The red line. Maybe you could have it mentioned earlier in the story. For example, the boy is playing with his soldiers, and overhears the conversation. Or: there's a toy soldier on the colonel's desk (for some reason). Or maybe the family is at lunch when the phone rings, and the boy has a toy soldier beside his plate. Or some other way.

Great job. Good luck with it!

Pawn

You've already got plenty of 'good' reviews, so I won't hold back in telling you that I found this about as interesting as a cardboard box. Every war story imaginable has been written to death, and this was just another banal, moralistic rehash.

Additionally, while bumping posts is not against the rules, it's sure as hell rude.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com

nae411

Pawn wrote:

Yeah and this was what, pleasant? LOL (RUDE!!! )

__________________

Pawn

If you expect me to let mediocrity like that get away with unrivalled praise then you don't know Pawn

I am rude, but most often justifiably so.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com

crzywriter

Well Pawn, no one can be liked by everyone, and we all have critics. I understand if you don't like what I write, but enough people have indicated to me that they do that I will continue to rewrite this story. Thank you for giving me your opinion of it. Reality must slap all of us in the face from time to time.

~Crzy

jetmanjake

[quote="Pawn"]If you expect me to let mediocrity...

quote]

Though I don't agree with Pawn's assessment of your work, I'm with him in being against bumping posts. Pawn's word choice is a bit harsh otherwise, I'll grant you...

__________________
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

drbubba43

There is nothing wrong with harsh criticism, it is what drives us to improve. Pointless criticism on the other hand rarely constructive or called for. Not every war story has been told nor has every love story nor every comming of age story, nor any other story that is an expression of the human experience.

Mediocrity is in the eye of the reader. Everybody learns from experience. We could spend endless hours debating wether Hemingway was a pointless hack or a master.

If you believe the work to be mediocre why not offer suggestions to help the writer improve it? Even if the style and subject are not to your own tastes...

Ray

Londongrey

Let's not start arguing on someone else's post, from past experience it is a very bad idea.

__________________
You are only as dull as the light in the room you occupy, everything else is just hearsay - Me, about five minutes ago.

crzywriter

Londongrey, thank you for remaining levelheaded. I'd really rather not see a fight erupt here. And also, thank you for reading this. I'm glad that you liked it.

Zaoshang, I do agree with your suggestions, and I will work them in. Yes, this is meant to bet set in WW2 and i will make that clearer.

Again, thanks to both of you for reading this.

~Crzy

drbubba43

Sorry, no fight intended...

Only wanted to voice my thoughts, didn't mean to come across confrontational.

Truth is as writers like all artists we are all subject to the opinions of others sometimes we feel it is fair other times not. In the end it is not the comments on the work that are important, it is what the writer does with them.


Nobody should feel intimidated posting either their work or opinions here.

Ray

crzywriter

*grin*

hehe. Yes. let's all be friends here. even if we don't agree, we can all agree to disagree.

~Crzy