crzywriter

get this...i'm actually going to start editing this!!

thats nuts

~Crzy

crzywriter

So is it the general consensus that the battles in here just disappear? Because i am fine with that. It'll jsut be the father writing letters to his son, then, as drbubba suggested.

~Crzy

jetmanjake

Yeah, you could probably axe the battle sequences for now. Keep your time frame in mind the entire time.

an alternate idea would be that the entire story is told through the letters back and forth, with very little narration in between. just a thought.

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The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

crzywriter

Hey, i think the letters back and forth would be a good idea. but wouldn't i still need third-person narration at the beginning (when the father is called off to war) and at the end (when Richard finds out about dad's death)? Maybe not. It's a good idea, though.


~Crzy

jetmanjake

Yeah, you'd probably still need some narration. I've seen work done with letters alone, i.e. Griffin and Sabrine, but it's tough.

__________________
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

crzywriter

okay, jetman. this idea is now in full swing for me. As i rewrite this, i'll probaly repost all the narration and letters right here.
if i ever get around to finding time to write. *shrugs*

thanks for the idea, jetman!

~Crzy

jetmanjake

No problem. I'm in the process of reworking some new stuff myself; I'll get it up sometime so you can fufill your critique bribes

__________________
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

crzywriter

and you can be sure that the critiques will be good...you deserve that much from me, at least

~Crzy

nae411

crzywriter, I must say. I don't think I have ever read any of your stories before, but I will indeed keep an eye out for them now.

I can hardly type my eyes are so full of tears. I will never forget this story.

Nae

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crzywriter

Thank you, Nae. That means a lot to me. I like to know that my stories are appreciated.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it and that you took the time to read it.


~Crzy

drbubba43

I think loosing the actual descriptions of combat would be for the best. Focus on the strength of the story, the father and the son. The idea of telling the story in just letters could be done but it would take some careful writing and editing to make it work. Using some narration would make the writing easier, and I don't think it would comprimise anything. YHou have a very powerful idea here and an excellent metaphor to help carry it.

I also had a suggestion for the ending. Not really a change, more of an expansion...

Instead of telling us he always carried the soldier, show us. You might portray Richard on the command deck of an aircraft carrier on deployment. The scene is dark an everyon is noticibly agitated. A call comes for the Admiril which he takes with a heavy sigh.

As he sets the handset back down, he pulls the toy soldier from his pocket and clutches it tightly after looking it over, studing it.

He then looks up and gives the orders to launch the first air strikes into Iraq in the first Gulf War.

Just a suggestion, but I think if well handeled it could be a very powerful to an great story.

This is really a wonderful story idea. I'm sorry I didn't think of it.

If I can do anything to help, let me know.

Ray

crzywriter

Ray, that is a wonderful idea.

As for the letters thing, I was thinking that i could intersperse (sp) letters and narration to tie the story together.

and you're right, that could be a powerful ending...hehe if only i could write such things.

anyway, most of the help i need is just to have people read and critique my work. sometime this weekend, i'll probably post the beginning of the revised short story (which might turn out to be quite long, if i develop it as much as i want to).

if there's anything else i need, i'll be sure to let you know.

~Crzy

crzywriter

I lied. Here's the first segment of rewrite.

He knew who the call would be from as soon as the phone rang. He was no idiot; living on base, everyone heard things. And the rumors had been flying all day. With a resigned sigh, he folded the newspaper he had been reading, and picked up the phone. “Lieutenant Colonel Gardner,” he said. After listening for a few moments, he closed his eyes and bowed his head slightly. “Yes, sir. I’ll be there in a few minutes, sir.”

Lieutenant Colonel Joseph Gardner had known this war was coming from a long time, ever since the slightest tensions began nearly three years ago. He had known war was inevitable and had been proven right. After that, it had only been a matter of time until the United States became embroiled. Joseph Gardner was a tall man with a deep tan from years of the military and his hair had been bleached blond from too many years under the harsh sun. His eyes were a sparkling, mirthful blue that hid much of his natural gruffness.

His wife, Annabelle, looked into the room. When she saw him, she understood what the phone call was about, and her face fell. She was used to this, though. Having a soldier for a husband had made her good with good-byes. “When?” she asked simply.

“Now,” he said, his face grim. “Where’s Richard?”

“In his room.”

He nodded. Casting one last glance around the room, he strode towards the door. He had his good-byes to make.

~~~

Richard looked up as the door opened. When he saw his father dressed smartly in full uniform, clean-shaven, with eyes bright and alert, he stood abruptly, inadvertently knocking some of his toy soldiers down, but he didn’t care. “Where are you going?” asked Richard eagerly.

“You know exactly where,” said Joseph in a way that made him seem more soldier than father. “I’m going to fight. You know I…”

Richard interrupted him. “But do you hafta?”

“Of course I do. I’m a soldier. It’s what I do. If you grow up to be a soldier…”

Richard put on a pouting face. “I’m gonna be in the navy.” After a moment’s pause, he added. “I’m gonna be an Admiral.”

Joseph smiled weakly. “Admiral, then,” he amended. “If you grow up to be an Admiral, you will have to do things you don’t want to do and go places you don’t want to go because you have to serve your country. It’s the way life is.”

“That ain’t fair,” said Richard. He crossed his arms and sat down on his bed.

Joseph sat down next to him. “You’re right. It’s not fair, but I’m a soldier. I don’t get to choose what’s fair in this world. You understand that, right?” He rose to his feet, smoothed down his uniform, and looked at Richard.

Richard’s eyes were wide, glazed with tears that he would not shed in front of his father. His face had paled and his chin was trembling violently. Joseph smiled again and pulled his son into an embrace. Almost immediately, he heard Richard’s control break, and the shoulder of his uniform grew damp.

“I don’t want you to go,” said Richard in a broken voice.

“Why not?” asked Joseph, pulling away to get a good look at his son. Richard’s eyes were read now, and there were tears rolling slowly down his cheeks.

“Cause you’re gonna die.”

“Richard, try to understand something.” He tried to keep his tone gentle, but the gruffness was seeping in. “You see all your soldiers?” He gestured at the hordes of plastic figurines scattered throughout the room. Richard nodded. “Well, my men are like that. They are all depending on me to make sure that they get out o there alive. If I don’t go, they might be killed, and their families, their sons will have to lose a husband, a father. I have to make sure they all get home again.”

Richard nodded and rubbed the tears from his face. His father could talk about toy soldiers all he liked, but toy soldiers had no family and toy soldiers could not die.

“Look, I have an idea,” said Joseph. “I’ll tell you how many men I’m commanding, and you can set up your soldiers. And then I’ll write to you ad tell you every time we fight how many men I lose. Then you’ll understand how much these men are depending on me to get home. Okay?”



~Crzy

crzywriter

*deleted*

demonic_harmonic

this is...

very clean. i can tell it's a rewrite. i'm not sure if i have too much to say about it, actually...