In the Sink---Warning: Profanity; Not for the Squeamish - Writers Forum

LoneWolf · 02-12-2005, 12:39 AM

I wrote this spur of the moment. It's the first really violent/scary thing I've written, so...oh well...here goes!

When I wake it is morning. The sun pierces the threadbare curtains and illuminates the dismal room. My head hurts. I don't remember what happened last night. But then...then...all at once, I do remember.

I killed Gloria last night.

I am perfectly happy to leave her body wherever it is, but then I remember that the body is right here. In the house. Possibly reclining in the chair next to mine. Who knows?

I get up( her body's not in the chair...where the fuck is it...?) and pad down the hall to the bathroom. The wood is cold under my feet and the house pulsates with heavy silence and the lingering cries of horror and pain.

I really need to piss.

I go to the bathroom and relieve myself. I notice that the shower curtain's pretty messed up. Is she in there, getting cleaned up for the rest of her afterlife? But no, she's not in there either. I walk into the kitchen and that is when I see it.

There is blood everywhere.

It is splattered on the curtains, on the table, floor, dripping into innocent, bystanding glasses. Goddammit, I remember I killed her, but how? And why, exactly?

I pull out a blood soaked chair and sit down. I close my eyes and inhale the sharp, lingering odor of death. Okay, Jack, old boy, why did you kill Gloria again? Why? How? Why? Wh--

I remember. It comes in one big flash, but I remember it all.

Gloria had said I was crazy. Yeah...we were at Simon's party and I had knocked a beer out of her hand. That shit'll make you crazy, I had told her. She shrieked and yelled that I was already crazy. That shriek, so loud and piercing...haunting...God...

We had started fighting about many things. About Timothy and their stupid unplanned baby, about us, about what happened that night on the beach when the sun was setting and the sand was sticking to us as we rolled around under the stars and into the night...on and on she moaned in my ear and said she loved me, she loved me and I said I loved her too, and we were loud and crazy and it was good that way but Tim came and took her away, he took her the fuck away from me that goddamn bastard, that bas--

There is a loud crash behind me and it wakes me from my trance. I twist around and see a glass, broken into bloody pieces. "What the fuck?" I ask it, but it doesn't reply. I get up again and pace the floor, trying to remember again, trying to forget again...

We came back to my house...here...and she had slapped me. That crazy bitch slapped me. So I hit her. Hell yes, I did...and then.......

My eyes move to a butcher knife on the floor. The cause of everything. She had tried to stab me, but I ducked. I pushed her, she fell. And then, with my vision full of red rage, I stabbed her. Yeah...I stabbed her until her cries stopped and echoed continously in my ear. Then I blacked out.

So what happened to the fucking body?

I walk over to the sink; I need a good splash of water on my face. And then...

Her body's in the fucking sink.

I stagger back away from it. I can see her head, her once live and promising blue eyes. Her blonde hair dyed with her own red blood. Her gorgeous long legs. her arms...

Oh God, I cut her up and stuck her in the sink. How? Why? Oh, shit. What now?

I run into the living room, frantic. There is a message on the answering machine. Thinking that maybe it will take my mind off of things for at least a second, I slap the button violently and listen to the message, shivering.

"Hey, Jack..." An old woman's voice greets, "This is Glo's mom. I'm looking for her but no one can find her...if you know where she is......"

My eyes slide back the sink and my skin crawls. Oh shit, oh shit...I never thought I could do that. It would be okay if her body was just full of holes and stab wounds but cut up? In my own fucking sink? Her eyes accusing me, staring up at me from a bodiless head?

I sink down to the floor, holding my stomach. I'm gonna puke. I'm trapped. I feel like a caged animal...if I had just fucking stabbed her, I could have told the cops she had tried to stab me, and that it was self defense. But stabbing someone...and then cutting them up? They'd think I was crazy. And I'm not. I'm perfectly okay. Yes, okay...

I jump up, a grin on my face. I know what to do now. I run to the shed in the back of the house and quickly grab the can of gasoline. I douse the kitchen, living room, bathroom with the stuff. Then I grab my cigarettes and light one up. Taking a long drag and letting it out, I say to the house, "This one's for you, housie!" I flick the cigarette to the ground and begin to run. Before I know what's happening, the house is devoured by flames and people begin to pour into the streets. They ask me questions but I stop for no one. I just keep running. Running away from Gloria's cut up body with the eyes and the blonde hair that no longer falls down upon her graceful neck. I reach a major street and run across it, not heeding any beeps and cars. However, one beep is deeper and longer the rest. One beep...

I look up to find myself staring into the lights of an oncoming 18-wheeler. Shit.

Queasy Dillo · 02-12-2005, 12:44 AM

Wow....creepy.

I'm in no shape to comment now (0043 here) but I'll say that I found it intriguing and well-written. Steven King-ish, even.

Scratches · 02-12-2005, 04:00 AM

HIGHLY scary, LoneWolf.

I think this one has a good hook, but is way too heavy with ellipses. I also think you might want to elaborate more on what happened, and somehow flesh out his warped mind, because I can't fully accept he cut up this woman and is full of, "Why?"s the next morning.

Oh, and maybe take off the final "Shit". For me it was a little too Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

You have a good thing going here, it just needs some trims!

LoneWolf · 02-12-2005, 11:30 PM

Thanks for reading/responding, Dillo et Scratches! I think I'm gonna work on this one some more, since I like it soo much...I'm just happy you guys said it was scary. I've never been able to write creepy stories even though my poems are creepy. So I've reached one of my writing goals...yay!

L. Wolf

Queasy Dillo · 02-12-2005, 11:32 PM

Yeah...I can't write creepy stuff, either.

LoneWolf · 02-12-2005, 11:43 PM

Yeah, it's like the hardest thing ever to write about...most of my attempts at being scary turn into corny Scooby Doo type things...

Wandering Trouba-Dillo? I never noticed that before...weird...

Queasy Dillo · 02-13-2005, 12:30 AM

But also Speedbump Extraordinaire.

crzywriter · 02-13-2005, 07:29 PM

This was great!

I liked the way that the guy couldnt find the body for the first half of the story.

And the ending was superb.

hehe

I couldn't write something like this if i tried.

~Crzy

LoneWolf · 02-13-2005, 09:35 PM

Thanks so much for reading, Crzy! I'm glad you like it...something must have been really wrong with me cuz I started writing this and thought, How 'bout if he chops her up and goes crazy? I scare myself sometimes...

And yes, Dillo, I'm sorry....Speedbump Extraordinaire as well

Queasy Dillo · 02-13-2005, 09:48 PM

At last...the respect I don't really deserve.

gohn67 · 07-30-2005, 03:21 PM

Hey Lonewolf,
I'm a bit late, I think. Was looking around at old posts, and saw this. I remember you mentioninng it in another story I commented on.

So I read it, and liked this one better. Maybe it's the first person POV, I liked. I think the plot is also stronger. And we get into your character's head very well.

Quote:

I killed Gloria last night.

Nice hook.

Quote:

Oh God, I cut her up and stuck her in the sink. How? Why? Oh, shit. What now?

Oh shit! is right.

LoneWolf · 08-01-2005, 06:04 PM

Hey gohn,

Yes, I'd say you're a tad bit late. I re-read it, and I have to admit, I like this one better too. I think you're right about 1st person POV...also seemed a bit more demented. Thanks for reading this...def. one of my oldies but goodies, if I do say so myself.

LW