Queasy Dillo

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Selorian

Hello Queasy Dillo,

This is a great story. Very nicely written. I seen a few mistakes here and there, but I know you'll catch them when you go over it again. You had my attention from the beginning. If your still working out kinks, I look forward to seeing the finished version.


Cliff

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Beez617

It's amazing how well you did by writing this in only 45 minutes. Truely exceptional. I was very interested from the beginning, when I first read the title. Somehow, it just interested me.

Just like what Cliff said, there are a couple mistakes here and there, and it truely is a great story.

VERY VERY well done!

-James

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Queasy Dillo

Could you point those out? I've read this for the third time today, and still no luck finding any. Not sure why. Usually I can pick my own projects apart with no trouble. Must be the lack of sleep.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Like I said, I'm not all that familiar with short fiction. Most of my stuff tends to be much longer and more complex, and I'm still not sure if I'm cutting details in the wrong places.

Thanks again,
Dillo

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LoneWolf

I just decided to do some late night short story reading, and I came across yours...it was great! Very good...unfortunately, I can't find any mistakes, perhaps because it's almost 2am...ah well, nice ending, by the way!

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Queasy Dillo

Thanks LoneWolf. I just ran through again and caught one (a misplaced 'the'). Doubtless more where that came from. Glad to hear you liked it.

Dillo

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river-wind

"The others had shotguns and Yancy had his a .45 he’d smuggled out of the Army."

in the middle, there is a "his a .45" I assume the 'a' is a duplicate. Very nice images, I really enjoyed it - I'm a bit sad to be missing at least some of the search - I want to know what sort of people these guys are!
Are they poking around under the hood of the car with no idea what any of the parts actually do?

river-wind

"The others had shotguns and Yancy had his a .45 he’d smuggled out of the Army."

in the middle, there is a "his a .45" I assume the 'a' is a duplicate - or the word "the" could replace both, given the "he'd smuggled..." part of the sentance.
Very nice images, I really enjoyed it. The kids trying to free the poor fish and the frozen mud are particularly nice touches.
I'm a bit sad to be missing at least some of the search - I want to know what sort of people these guys are!
Are they poking around under the hood of the car with no idea what any of the parts actually do? Or are they really as confident as they are pretending to be?

They seem like they would be a fairly educated group in terms of hunting, but at the same time, you make a few suggestions that they are less than wild-life experts. This is an interesting conflict I'd like to see a bit more of before they find the dog/thing.

Novicewriter

I enjoyed the story...very engaging It was very well-written, tight, you name it...As far as I could see, there is nothing wrong.

NW

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Queasy Dillo

Thanks River-wind and Novicewriter.

I may rewrite parts of this and repost at a later date. At present I was more interested in seeing how it was recieved, having been a short-notice things. I'll take your suggestions under advisement and see what developes.

Dillo

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FoggyImagination

Ugh, gave me the willies. What's up with this dog? Its mad? Like a Cujo sort of thing...or not really a dog at all? Whatever...I just went out to my car to get something and saw a random dog in the parking lot...yeah, so you had me running back to my apartment.

And I agree with river...I'd like to know more about these guys and the kid. Although I appreciate it being dropped at the end like that. I thought "we" won and the dog was no longer a threat, then BAM...he already ate his kid. Too late.

Short stories are hard for me, to read and write. I always want to know more. You could probably flesh this out more and really have me watching for strays.

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Queasy Dillo

Glad you liked that bit at the end. I agree that this could use some fattening though, mostly about the hunt and those involved. Of course, I wouldn't want to give too much away...

As for the bit about dogs, this was something I wrote after remembering an old, old, oooolllld horror story I heard when I was little. I don't remember the details, but I think this is far enough departed from the original.

For the record....the biggest dog I ever saw weighed in at 220 lbs. It was a Great Dane, which I had first mistaken for a Holstein cow. Even behind a barricade that things scared me.

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jetmanjake

I like your details a lot, especially "In several places the top layer of ice had been roughed and scored, proof of their short-lived attempts to dig out the trapped perch." Nicely done.


The first time you introduced the handkerchief I thought to myself "here's a detail he could cut unless he comes back to it." You came back to it, but I almost wonder if you could introduce it a little smoother. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how.

The hunt section could use some fattening, and there are a couple pieces that could be slimmed down, like the guy with the cigar, etc.etc. Flash is all about economy.

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Queasy Dillo

Jetmanjake -

I've put this one back on my list of in-progress stuff, for the reasons yourself and several others have mentioned; chiefly, the hunting part being too short.

I'm not altogether sure how to smooth over the handkerchief bit, but I'll think of something.

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crzywriter

don't think there's anything that anyone hasnt said already in one way or another, but thought that I'd mosey on over and give you my thoughts. i liked it, even though i'm not really one for horror stories. your stories are typically very well written, so I can't really go through a scathing line-by-line.

All in all, good job.

~Crzy