LoneWolf

The sky is fuchsia, which is strange. Strange but beautiful. Kind of like me I suppose. It is Monday, but it feels like Saturday. The house is quiet, and I decide to go spying again. I walk slowly down the street, and watch as my fuchsia-tinted hair flies around my face.

My boyfriend calls my cell phone, but I ignore it. He cheated on me two weeks ago, and for reasons I do not know, I have not broken up with him. He still loves me, he says, but I know he's still with her. I sigh. I feel worthless and spent, mentally and physically.

I continue walking, down into the park, and sit down on the bench, engulfed by shadows. I watch silently and emotionlessly as Mr. Seth Walters, who I have been watching for two weeks, strolls into the park ten minutes later dressed in a spotless suit and silk tie. Soon a woman, Celeste, walks into the park and towards Seth. As I watch them kiss, I think.

I suppose this is my hobby, watching people. Usually I only observe, like at a restaurant or at the mall, but I began watching when I realized Seth was cheating on his gorgeous model wife with a former prostitute, Celeste. I am no one to judge, but I do detest that girl for slowly destroying Seth and Zoey's marriage. I am brought to the present by a flash of fuchsia, the color of Celeste's tight, skimpy dress.

They are walking hand in hand. As they pass me to walk to the lake, I hold my breath and melt into the darkness. I watch as they stop, turn to each other, smile, and kiss. My stomach lurches and I close my eyes, seeing Zoey's clear and honest face beyond my eyelids. Suddenly I hear raised voices and I look up sharply. They seem to be arguing. Celeste is waving her hands in wild gestures as Seth grimaces at the sky. I begin to move closer, silent like the most cautious cat stalking its prey. A nearby tree's shadow folds me into its gloom and I hold my breath, watching.

Seth's face is red, and Celeste's mascara is running. Seth raises his hand, stops to look at it. He speaks, but more to his hand than to Celeste.

"Look, little girl." He starts, and I dimly remember Seth is 32 and Celeste is 24. "I told you the last time we met that I still love Zoey. You can either deal wit it or get the hell away from me. This ain't all about you, doll face." His face is red, and his mouth is working in rage. His hand is still up, but he begins to lower it.

Celeste spits and hisses, “You’re such as bitch. Zoey’s got you whipped. She’s cheating on you too.”

Seth’s eyes sharpen and his face turns tomato red. In one swift motion his hand whips across her face. As Celeste cries out in surprised anguish, I gasp and proceed to be hurdled back into the past.


A cry sprang from her rosy lips and for a moment I ducked back onto my bed, gasping for air. It was the first time I had seen Seth. He and Zoey’s fighting had woken me, and now I sat on my bed, watching them fight in the cream-colored house that had always sat so peacefully next to ours. Zoey had been wearing a gorgeous golden pale blue nightgown, and her honey colored hair stood out bright against her pale.

“How dare you think I was having an affair? You sneaking, conniving slut!”

He raised his hand, but abruptly dropped it and ran out of the door to Celeste’s house, as I found out later. I watched, torn, as Zoey sank down on their bed and cried in pain, fear, and heartbreak.


A low moan slices through the air, bringing me back to the present. I find myself hugging the tree tightly, crying silent tears and gasping for air. I turn my head and watch with anger as Celeste holds her mouth and cries. It is bloody, and clashes with the fuchsia.

I watch as Seth moves out of the way when Celeste tries to hug him. I smile. I smile for him. I smile for Zoey. I watch as Seth runs out of the park, after telling Celeste that it was over; Zoey’s better. As Celeste sinks to the ground in sorrow, I laugh silently. I feel like running up to her and making fun of her stupidity. She actually thought she was better than Zoey.

Yet I know that when Seth arrives home, Zoey will be gone. She will already have left for California, to her sister. I am sure Zoey will become a model once again. As I wlak home under the fading fuchsia sky, I realize that I love Zoey. I love her for her beauty and for her strength. After a moment’s hesitation I turn and begin to walk towards my boyfriend’s house.

My angry soul, swallowed in fuchsia, slowly turns pink, then calming blue, and I laugh. The night is beautiful, and the sky is no longer fuchsia.

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Scratches

Hey LoneWolf - I feel I owe you an (almost) in-depth analysis, so here goes.

Heh - this line sounds maybe a little too narcissistic, which doesn't seem like your character from the rest of the passage. You could approach it as something her boyfriend or mother used to say?

I adore how ho-hum this chunk of text is. The casual way she mentions it is priceless.


Now I think from this point onwards you may mention the word "fuschia" a little too often. When a motif reveals itself in a short story it will usually do so of its own accord - don't try and force it too much.


I assume the "wit it" is a typo, because even if he DID speak like this, it would grab too much attention in the sentence.


Firstly, "such as bitch"... secondly, I think the "tomato" image is such a cliché and you're capable of much better. Plus it's slightly too comical and childish since he's about to hit her.


I don't know if you intended this, but your character is actually fantastically warped. It starts to creep up on you that she must have some issues, since she feels compelled to spy on people, laugh at a woman's pain and describe it all like a soap opera. Maybe you could explore this?

Anyway... a nice little snapshot story that I enjoyed reading. I'd like to see the character herself revealed a touch more.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

LoneWolf

Hello again Scratches!

Yes, that's a really good idea. I could say something like, The sky is fuchsia. My boyfriend and I used to sit on his porch, watching it, and he would always tell me that it was strange and beautiful, like me....or something like that...


I get you on the fuchsia thing...I didn't know exactly how many times was too many, so I just put it in there when it felt right, but I'll check on that. But I did feel kind of uncomfortable putting 'fuchsia' in there so much...dunno why I did it, then lol

Yes, it's "deal with it", and after reading the 'tomato' line a few times I began to get an image of like a cartoon man in my head, so I'll definitely have to fix that.

Actually, when I was writing this, I didn't realize how crazy I had made her, but after reading it, I found that I had unintentionally made this girl have some issues, but I think it's creepier that way lol...I guess, now that I have to explain it, I made it so that she was so hurt about her bf cheating on her that she went a bit coocoo. When she first started watching Seth, she thought she'd get over it, but she became more obsessed with punishing him for his cheating. Hahaha...I'll have to add that in the story now because it sounds so good! And I worried about not putting her name in there and stuff...I tried to be a little mysterious, but it obviously isn't my strong point!

Thanks for the critique and I'll see you soon!

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

zaoshang

I enjoyed this. Well written and insightful.

I’d probably like it better if there was a more powerful “message” there, a clearer implication of Seth’s story for the narrator’s life, although I find this story good enough in its present shape, too. Well done!

Novicewriter

Lonewolf...I really enjoyed your story... Very well-written and emotional I like stories that grab you emotionally and pull you in. Keep up the good work.

Novicewriter

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

LoneWolf

Thanks everyone! I'm so glad you liked it! Like I said, I've never written in the present tense or in 1st person (much) so this is an entirely new concept. I think I'm doing well with it, though!

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

kitaria

I like the idea of you working around this colour, however it is true that the word is over used... maybe you could describe the colour rather than to repeat the word over and over....

I like the way this person 'observes' someone elses relationship though and also integrates the idea of colour into it...

__________________
Hollow hearted, and want only his love to invade my emptiness

LoneWolf

Thank you, kitaria! That's a good idea, describing the color instead of just flat out saying it. I'm still working on rewriting this one, so thanks for the suggestion, and thanks for reading!

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway