Mob_Princess

Stephanie's story.
Based on a story by the Author.
Tis fiction darlings.
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In Gary's vision:

She was in that room again. The one with the padded walls. I hated seeing her in there, but it was the only way i could talk to her properly.
I walked in. She was sat down, with her legs sprawled out and her head down. Her long scragged brown hair hung loosely over her face. I sat down at the table and watched her through the glass. Her unsteady breathing made her sway slightly.
She hadnt been the same sinse the operation a year ago. She had scars on her neck from it too, always a constant reminder to me. Before then she had been so lively and willing. She'd chat away for hours but.. now.. all she could do was mumble.
She looked up at me, through those deep desperate blue eyes. She stood up on her knee's and attempted to crawl towards the glass, before her nighty caught under her knee's and she fell, smacking her hands on the glass panels.
She shifted her legs and leant against the glass, close enough for her breath to leave cloudy marks before disappearing. She ran her finger tips over the glass and whispered hoarsley.
I had to see her up close.
I got up from my seat at the table and walked quietly over to the glass and knealt down to her. "Steph?" I asked. She continued running her fingers over the glass. I put my hand on the glass to steady myself as I shifted my weight to the floor. When I looked back her hand was on the other side to mine. We were palm to palm.. or almost. She watched our hands for a while, before letting hers slide down oddly. Followeing her hand downwards she twisted herself awkwardly and put both the undersides of her forearms on the glass her head down. "Stephanie?" i asked again. She looked up. She knew her name still. She attempted to speak but nothing came out. I believe she could change but the 'doctors' who ran the place said she couldnt. She sighed out and pushed out the rest of the air in her lungs before taking her huge breath in and sitting upright. This wasnt Stephanie Lock anymore. She swayed and shivered unknowingly. "I'll be back soon Steph. I'll come and get you out." I stood up and turned to get my breifcase to leave. I opened the door and she banged on the glass! "D- Do-"
She was trying to speak.
"Don't let me die here."

__________________
I'll make him a milkshake he cant refuse!!

We wernt sister by birth, but we knew from the start, fate brought us together, to be sisters by heart. <3

Rob

Hi Mob,

It didn't feel to me as though you had a whole story here, just a scene from one, but you've posted under Short Stories so I assume this is everything.

I thought the description was over-done in places. Sometimes less is more, and you can afford to be selective about where you add a lot of description and where you don't. By adding so much description to all parts equally it becomes a little flat, like everything has the same importance. I also felt that your prose was plain, and could be improved through the use of some carefully chosen similes and metaphors to bring it to life. There are some obvious typos which you'll probably catch when you proof read again or spell check.

I think if you were to develop this further into a more complete story this could be a useful scene.

Cheers,
Omni

Queasy Dillo

I'm going to agree with what Oz said. That done, there's some things I noticed that started bugging me the second time I read through this.

Keep in mind these are only the things I'd think about changing. Some of them are grammar, punctuation, etc. Some are stylistic differences. I've gone back and added emphasis to those I found.

Overused or awkward words are bold italic.

Spelling or capitalization errors are bold.

Missing punctuation items are inserted, in red.

Hope it helps,
Dillo



***

She was in that room again. The one with the padded walls. I hated seeing her in there, but it was the only way i could talk to her properly.

I walked in. She was sat down, with her legs sprawled out and her head down. Her long scragged brown hair hung loosely over her face. I sat down at the table and watched her through the glass. Her unsteady breathing made her sway slightly.

She hadnt been the same sinse the operation a year ago. She had scars on her neck from it too, always a constant reminder to me. Before then she had been so lively and willing. She'd chat away for hours but.. now.. all she could do was mumble.

She looked up at me, through those deep desperate blue eyes. She stood up on her knee's and attempted to crawl towards the glass, before her nighty caught under her knee's and she fell, smacking her hands on the glass panels.

She shifted her legs and leant against the glass, close enough for her breath to leave cloudy marks before disappearing. She ran her finger tips over the glass and whispered hoarsley.

I had to see her up close.

I got up from my seat at the table and walked quietly over to the glass and knealt down to her.

"Steph?" I asked. She continued running her fingers over the glass. I put my hand on the glass to steady myself as I shifted my weight to the floor. When I looked back her hand was on the other side to mine. We were palm to palm.. or almost. She watched our hands for a while, before letting hers slide down oddly. Followeing her hand downwards she twisted herself awkwardly and put both the undersides of her forearms on the glass, her head down.

"Stephanie?" i asked again.

She looked up. She knew her name still. She attempted to speak but nothing came out. I believe she could change but the 'doctors' who ran the place said she couldnt. She sighed out and pushed out the rest of the air in her lungs before taking her huge breath in and sitting upright. This wasnt Stephanie Lock anymore. She swayed and shivered unknowingly.

"I'll be back soon Steph. I'll come and get you out." I stood up and turned to get my breifcase to leave. I opened the door and she banged on the glass!

"D- Do-"

She was trying to speak.

"Don't let me die here."

***

__________________
You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

Scratches

I agree with the comments on grammar and repetition, but I think it's a great basis for a story. It's got an interesting vein of uneasiness running through it.