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Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 12-24-2004, 02:29 PM   #1
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Pats
Jack and Jill, an altered version

One day, trudging up a hill

We found a lass, whose name was Jill

Meeting Jack along the way

To fill their pail that sunny day

A top the hill they found a well

And sat did they, to rest a spell

Jack found Jill to his surprise

To have a pair of sparkling eyes

Dazzled, struck by love’s first sight

He would demonstrate to Jill his might

Cart wheeling down the hill

Jack the klutz had tripped fair Jill

Bucket filled and task completed

He tumbled down, and was defeated

For Jack, you see, had broken his crown

And ruined Jill’s most beautiful gown

Before it began, the affair would end

Jill didn’t even want to be his friend
______________________________________________

Not really a poem, nor is it truly a short story. I'm just trying my hand at children's rhyms. How do you think I'm doing so far?
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Old 12-24-2004, 02:46 PM   #2
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Hehe, that was entertaining. At the same time I found it almost cynical, but not really. I much preferred it over the original.
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Old 12-24-2004, 03:41 PM   #3
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Wonderful. Poor Jack, poor Jill. They shall never know the bliss of romance with one another. Alas.
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Old 12-24-2004, 11:44 PM   #4
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I've been wondering if I should change the ending, or add a verse where Jill has a change of heart?

Thanks for the compliments. There were very nice.
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