writerprincess15

Hey PPL! So i just thought i would post one of my short stories and see how you like it. This one is a bit creepy and i wrote after my friend had a dream similiar to this. I hope it's alright that this is just 164 words, i realy like it that way. It is short and to the point and i think that make this peticular story of mine best. So i hope you enjoy!

You open your eyes and there she is. She’s always there. Every night.
Tonight is the night. You know it. And she knows it.
She starts out like she does every night. Floating over the floor as though she is part of the wind.
You recognize her snarly gray hair, her pure white eyes, and her wrinkly skin as she nears you.
You want to scream. But you have no voice.
You want to get up and run, but you are paralized there in your bed.
All you can do is lay there and stare as you do every night.
Each night she gets closer, but you both know tonight will be the night.
Her breathing is raspy and uneven and your fear greatens when she has finally reached you and is standing there staring over you.
This is it. There is no way of escaping this.
And as she wraps her vainy old hands around your throat you wonder who will be next.

__________________
"Its better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you're not."

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love then to be a winner at something you hate."

Devon

Eek! How freaky! Just the way I like things. Lol. I liked this piece. It pulled no punches. The reader knew exactly what was going on and didn't overdescribe or 'spoon-feed.' (There's nothing worse than having a writer 'spoon-feed' an audience, leaving nothing up to the imagination) I thought the fact that it was written in the second person was a great added touch. One doesn't see that much nowadays; it's either first or third person. And having a specific set amount of words can be challenging. You did a nice job, writerprincess15.

__________________
There's a fine line between a land of paradise and a land of nightmares -- Les Stroud, Survivorman

Long live the Golden Retriever!

writerprincess15

Thanks! I was so afraid i would get these replys of people saying it was so terrible! Thanks for replying! I really appreciate that! This is my first ever short story. I might write more because i have other ideas in my mind. Anyhow, thanks! Hugs!

__________________
"Its better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you're not."

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love then to be a winner at something you hate."

kitaria

I like this... but the idea is kinda twisted... I'll have a different perspective on lil old people from now on... heh heh...

scary...!!

__________________
Hollow hearted, and want only his love to invade my emptiness

swing_it_away

That was done nicely. It was fine being as short as it was, much better then in you expanded upon it. I've never been able to write anything decent under 200 words. I applaud you.

The only this I might suggest changing is taking the adjectives out of this line

personally, I think it might read better as something like "...hair, eyes, and skin..." or "...her hair, her eyes, her skin...", but I tend to favor all things minimalistic and artfully repetive (if that makes any sense).

Anyway, I liked it.

__________________
Shameless self promotion

Novicewriter

Writerprincess...I really enjoyed the piece...I knew what was going on the entire time. It was creepy, which I really like Have you thought about turning it into a book? Just a thought b/c it was that good.

Novicewriter

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

writerprincess15

Hey! Thanks for your great reviews! I was afraid none of your liked it!
Hmm, i have thought about making it into a story, but i am not sure if my idea is good enough. this was my idea:
The old lady is evil and has much more to her then you think. The only way you can get rid of her and the other ones that are like her is by making dream catchers. She only exists as this certain cabin in these certian woods in these certain mountains far away from people. And all of these familys that have gone there for vacation have 'mysteriosly' died in their sleep. A family, who doesn't beleive in the stories of the people dieing decide to go and stay at the cabin for a few weeks for vaction. It is far away from the town and the first night there things start to happen. The family has problems and they argue..and well, i still have alot to add to this idea..but do you think that would be a good idea for a story? If you think so i will write up a few pages or so and see what i can come up with. Then you can tell me if you like it. Do you think i should?
Once again, thanks for your reviews! They are very very very much appreciated! Hugs!
writerprincess15 aka Terra!

__________________
"Its better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you're not."

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love then to be a winner at something you hate."

Rebecca

Sure, if you have an idea by all means explore it. I can't write horror to save my life. I really enjoy what you have posted here, you develop a v. cool voice in very few words.