Sweet subtext, How I loath you - Writers Forum

Mithose · 11-28-2004, 07:55 AM

Well I was toying with the idea of allegory, and I rather like how it turned out. Perhaps someone could give me a more solid critique though! It would be much appreciated. Also post your thoughts on what you think I’m talking about too! Am I right? Why? Do I sound like an essay question in English class?
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Autumn was nearly over; the season of change had almost found cold resolve. Snow already laced the once green campus of this quiet Calgary school. Stained a rigid white, everything; there was almost no chance of finding the smiling reds and browns fall once promised. But snow held its own benefits; you can build a fort with snow. You can bundle up warm when there’s snow, and you can have an angel, only in snow. Well that’s what people keep telling me at least.
Through a cold crunch the sleepy student sped, a muffin in one hand, and books in the other. Now he could indulge in that delicious breakfast/lunch/dinner, but what about the books? he wasn’t that balanced, he couldn’t carry both.
‘Why would you consider it?’ said the cold voice of reason ‘you can get to class, and then eat, moron’
And so he waited for indulgence, after all what was more important? The essay he had written last night or a stupid chocolate treat? The boy got to class a little late, and hurried to scrawl down his future. A stupid chocolate muffin went stale that night, watching pale snow fall through a dark classroom window.
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Out of a seventh floor window the boy ignored the setting sun. ‘How is the author using subtext in this piece?’ drummed his mind. ‘How the fuck should I know’ came a simple reply. Laughter of the friends he didn’t know echoed into his room. ‘Hitting the bars again are they? What a surprise’. The boy told himself that he had no time, the essay was due tomorrow and he couldn’t afford to procrastinate now.
His door opened, un-knocked, to the silly brown hall filled with a tiny figure, Erin. She was a sweet girl, not like most here; quiet, smart, funny, just perfect in this boy’s eyes. “Hey… uhmm you probably heard that some of us are going out tonight” she mumbled, eyes turned down to the obviously interest of the ground beneath. “I don’t really drink much, but hey I’m willing to learn if you want to teach. I do still own you a night out!” she said, turning a nervously cute smile up to him.
A panicked throbbing of his heart confused the witty things he had planned to say. His eyes fumbled away from Erin’s, to the blank paper before him. ‘Well you do have to write the paper’ he suggested. ‘Yah I do’ He replied to himself, regaining the balance Erin had just disrupted. “Oh geez Erin, I really would love to” he began; his eyes chasing hers back to the ground. “But I’ve got this retarded paper due tomorrow and I haven’t even started.”
‘An honest excuse’ his brain justified, Erin would still be there tomorrow, and it’s not like bars close because of snow. “Alright… I guess I’ll see you around then” she said, turning back down the hall. A large grey door swung closed on the luminous brown hall, locking him back with his work. Through the safety of his window, he watched Erin and the others walk off into whiteness. At last he was alone with his work.
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“Remember your essay for next week” cried the professor to a careless audience, already spilling out the doors to a noisy hall. The boy left class unfulfilled as usual to bleak mobs of students that never seemed to thin out. His grey eyes fell outside to the beauty of mid-autumn. The leaves were still ruby reds and hopeful browns, speckles of green grass streaked in-between beds of these colours, struggling to grab his attention.
With an unprepared thud, he walked flat into what could well have been a wall. But it wasn’t, the small girl, now covered in the various texts he had been carrying looked up with shock to the tall boy she had walked carelessly into. “I’m so sorry” the two echoed at each other. She brushed brown hair from her chocolate eyes while being helped to her feet. “I’m Erin” the small girl said, looking up to him and forcing the shock and pain from his mind. “I’m sorry I was just looking out the window and… well… sorry” she said, handing back his copy of Romeo and Juliet.
“Don’t worry about it” he said, eyes still fixed on hers. “Hey I’m done class for today, do you … do you want to go get some coffee or something?” He barley managed, still a little awestruck.
“Oh geez…” she began, turning her eyes down to the grey cement floor. “I’ve got to study for my English midterm tonight. But uhmm… I live on floor 7 in residence, come by sometime and we can do something, I just really need to do well on this test tomorrow.”
“Yah sure” the boy said, crushed, “I’ll see you around”. He walked through the cold cement building back to floor seven, and didn’t leave his room that day, or the next. When finally he decided he had best go to class, the first snow was already beginning to fall over the brown joy of leafs.
---
Winter was now here, Colder than anyone could have foreseen. But life presses on. It’s clear to see on the white earth, the little footsteps showing exactly how far you’ve come. And those footsteps will lead on forever ahead of you, but they have to slow down someday right? Springs got to come around for everyone some day! Why don’t you build yourself a snow fort for the time being? In your cold castle, in a womb of white security you can wait out the better times. Sooner or later spring will find you, and then you can have warmth, then you can have happiness, maybe tomorrow, or the next day, soon.

mammamaia · 11-28-2004, 12:16 PM

sorry, mit, but to me, this is two things: confused and confusing... both in content and execution... the grammar and syntax is garbled, straining too hard toward 'literary' to make sense in too many places...

what happens is mixed up, as well... if the kid is already crunching through the snow with a muffin in one hand and books in the other, how can you say he can't balance both?... and, if he wrote the essay last night, why does he have to 'scrawl' it in class the next day?... and why is the muffin left in the classroom, uneaten?

as for 'allegory' i don't see any... what is it you think this is referring to?... the piece jumps all over the place, with no seeming connection to any single story line or point being made that i can determine...

time frame is totally confused/confusing, with snow covering the ground in the first paragraph and only beginning to fall in the next to last... and that last section's total switch in pov leaves my head spinning... what is its purpose?

i wish i had better news for you, but you did ask the questions... bottom line: i've no clue what you meant this to be or where it's supposed to be going... and though you seem to have significant potential, your basic writing skills need honing... as i'm guessing you're quite young, you've plenty of time to do that, which bodes well for your future as a writer...

love and hugs, maia

Mithose · 11-29-2004, 01:29 AM

Hehehe You have no idea what I’m talking about? I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed! Well in either case,very true, grammar is not my friend – and I do definitely need to improve that. As for the confusing way the story jumps around, it’s not really jumping around it's jumping backwards.

The 1st paragraph is chronologically the last event that takes place, similarly the last paragraph is the first event to happen (again, referring to when it happens) the rest of the story follows this same pattern. I thought this was fairly obvious... by the snow fall, by the Essay's due date, and by the paragraph Erin introduces herself in. what more were you looking for? "The boy looked to the calendar, 'why its the 7th today', he noted for no reason.”

As for the boy’s inability to balance both the muffin and his books, It may not have come across clearly that he can hold both without incident, but if he tries to eat the Muffin while walking his books will fall. The situation may have been more vivid in my mind as it’s actually happened, so I probably didn’t make that part too clear to the reader. *whoops*

You don’t see any allegory here? Are you serious? I thought I was being too blunt!

Quote:

and why is the muffin left in the classroom, uneaten?

Why indeed? *heavy sigh*

Well I think that about wraps things up for me, I dont want to point out specifically everything that I was trying to say, But it is pritty much summed up in the 1st and last paragraphs... and.. throught the story... just look at the muffin people! LOOK AT THE MUFFIN!

Dairy Pharmer · 11-30-2004, 04:20 PM

I don't know if this was one of your intents either, but all I can see is colors. white vs. brown. the brown leaves being smothered by snow, and then brown eyed and hair colored girl and THE MUFFIN being smothered by white papers/books/essays.....

its almost like a poem.

I liked it eventhough i had to read a few spots a few times over to see what was going on.

Spintherism · 11-30-2004, 10:14 PM

I enjoyed the style, but it's difficult to mix up chronology in a short story and have it make sense on the first read. I would recommend either straightening it out or expanding it somewhat. If there's a lengthy continuous description, when there is an interruption the reader will notice the break and take the time to figure out what's going on, but when each paragraph lacks context, the jump from one time to another can be a bit hard to follow.

As for the allegory, it's hard to make a good allegory in a short story, especially when it's confused by all that description of fall/winter. The metaphor could just as easily been about the snows of academia and ephemeral snow castles of good grades obscuring the autumn promise of Erin. Also, "chocolate eyes:" no. Again, this would be okay of the story were a bit longer, but as it is, it's just a bit too obvious and seems a little desperate.

A few mistakes: "leafs" "Eyes turned down to the obviously interest of the ground" "I still own you a night out."