zero

It was cold, and very dark on top of that lonley mountain deep in the Unforgiving Colorado wilderness. I made the three hour hike from the base of the slope in two and a half, and now looked upon the great Rocky Mountains and all its magestic splendor from the second branch of an old, dead, decrepid half tree, waiting to exhale the herbal smoke that i kept so carefully hidden in my lungs for so long. As the cloud rose from deep in my throat it seemed to engulf the entire landscape with hints of dopey goodness.

Or at least thats what i thought of at the time. It was one of those strange things that happen in the midst of a head rush when the whole world around you changes, and all of a sudden becomes a bit more colorfull, the point where everything just seems so much cooler. For half a second, i thought i could see others like me, dotting the canvas-like landscape, All waiting for that right moment to blaze down the dangerous mountain's in a fit of rage and glory that can only be described as crazy and, in some circles, even suicidal.

But there was no way anyone could be anywhere near my position, that was the whole reason for picking this mountain. Looking back, it may have not been the greatest decision in the world, seeing as how I was alone, and there is no cell phone service out in those parts. Getting hurt or trapped would have meant certain death in a climate such that, but the only thing bothering me was the nine millimeter digging into my rib cage. God damn cheap shoulder holsters.

It was almost time. I could see it coming, the blunt was becoming a roach, and my anticipation level had reached a code red. I could feel myself coiling up like a snake about to snatch its prey, and the mountain was my mouse. I took one last pull from the phillie before i flicked it out down onto the glowing white snow, and slowley dropped my goggles into the proper eye sheilding postition. One last deep breath, the quiet before the storm, the final calming moment before I let loose all my blood and rage upon this cold, unpredictable path. And then, in the flick of an eye, i was gone.

When it starts, its like a major rush of adrenaline and everything around you disapears except the path set forth before you by nature herself. At this point, there is no feeling the mountain out, it's either give 120% or die. By the time I got a few hundred yards away from the old tree, i was looking for airtime. The first was a small jump, which i took as hard as i could, the second a bit bigger than i had calculated, and i ate snow. Now, Crashing on a snowboard isnt as easy as it may seem, snow hurts at a fast rate of speed, and the sudden abrubt stop can make your organs leap from one end of your body to the other in a matter of microseconds. Regardless, i pushed on, by that time, i had no chioce.

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zero

So, Im halfway down the hill, covered in snow, higher than the Rocky mountains themselves, when I take another bad spill off a hidden log. Now, the first one was decent, but this one, this one hurt. For about a second and a half, while I was laying in the snow, staring at the sky, I nearly got the fear. Intense pain shot up my leg, and I was afraid that it was broken and I was gonna have to lay there until some animal came and chewed it off for me.


But, like I said, that feeling only lasted for a second and a half, maybe even less. It was the sky that snapped me out of it. The stars and the enormity of the universe that hit me all at once, making the cold, my pain, and the distance to the car all seem insignificant. It was then when I realized exactly where I was in comparison to the rest of the world. I was here, where no other man was, in perfect harmony with nature.


The wilderness I was in has killed men before. I remember thinking about how one ancient night on this very mountain, another man may have sat here in this very spot, and his future would have been very bleak indeed. Had his spirit been watching from the trees, the great smile on my face may have confused him to no end. Right then, at that very moment, I was right where I was supposed to be. Alive, in the middle of nowhere.



It took me about twenty minutes to leave that spot. I felt like I was a part of that mountain. I had imagined it as one big organism, and me as the life blood that ran down the slope. When I got on my board again, it was just a whole different feeling. I was no longer a visitor in this strange, wild land, I was as much a part of it as it was a part of me. It was one of those places, you know, the places that you only visit for a few minutes, but that stay with you the rest for your life.



I’ve never been back to that place. But I never really left either. I remember when I got back to the car, when the run was all over, I just couldn’t leave. I thought how to some this may look like a dark and lonely mountain, but to me, there was something greater out there I could feel. It was as if I was fighting the mountain, and when I stopped fighting it, it opened up, and we became inexplicably linked. When I got there five hours ago, I came to do battle, but in that process I made the greatest friend I will ever have. I looked at my watch. It was 5:20 in the morning.



To this day, if I make it to 5:20 in the morning, I remember the mountain. I swear, some nights she even calls to me. I can still see the landscape, still feel the wind, still see the stars like I’m still right there, and time is frozen. Like I never left the mountain, or maybe, the mountain never left me.

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daniela

This section of your third paragraph seems unnecessary to me. You are beating us over the head with the fact that he is alone in the middle of nowhere. Your first line conveys that perfectly with "the unforgiving Colorado wilderness." Do your best to not be redundant and move on with the story.

The way you started the forth and fifth paragraphs, "So, I'm halfway down the hill..." and "But, like I said...", are unwelcome breaks in the story. I would suggest revising the beginnings. The rest of those two paragraphs are all right.

Other than that, this story is interesting. You picked a good subject to write about and did it fairly well. When you do your revisions, try to tighten it up a bit by taking out any unnecessary words. Definitely at least take the time to fix your spelling and grammar mistakes; some of them were simple and should have been fixed right away. I see potential in your writing and hope you will continue to grow as a writer.

--DM--

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zero

I appreciate the complement, and hope this place does help me grow as a writer. Im happy to see people reading my work and taking it seriously.


I really dig this forum

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desired_destiny

Nice piece of work. I enjoyed reading this short story, I haven't read one like it.


You're sort of changing from past tense to present tense. I'd change the "is" to "was."

I like this simile. Job well done.

Perhaps you could replace "got" with "was."

Ooooh, I like this one, also.

Best of luck with your writing.

~desired_destiny

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stigmatax

Hell ya im going to mamath in like 5 minutes. Snowboarding rocks

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mammamaia

there were so many spelling and other basic mistakes in the first paragraph that i didn't bother going any further...

hint:
before you post anything to be critiqued, it would be a good idea to clean it up and make sure it's as good as you can get it... yes, even if it's a 'first draft'!... nobody wants to read a mess, no matter how good the story might be...

hugs, maia

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kerpoe

it was...interesting