Nice Story.
This is the only ending I've seen, but I like it! The story was sound, but there were a few places that I'd like to see polished:
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Originally Posted by zaoshang
Cheerful, distant voices outside. Rebecca stood up, crossed to the little window, and listened tensely.
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The "tensely" is clumbsy and sticks out of the story. I would like to see it left as "...and listened." But if you'd like an adverb on the end(I HATE adverbs, but sometimes they do have a place), I'd choose something softer, like 'carefully', or similar...but I'd lose the adverb all together.
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Her dad was fixing something in the cattle shed and her mom had to be with some relatives of theirs.
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Lose the 'of theirs', it's redundant, we know who's relatives.
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Rebecca sat back on her little three-legged chair by the old clay stove.
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This line came across as a sterile and too descriptive. I'd like to see it clipped down to something like, "Rebecca sat on her three-legged chair warmed by the aged clay oven.(or stove)" Then the stove(which probably would double as an oven, right?) isn't just filler, it's serving a purpose.
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The voices grew louder right beside her window.
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This reads clumbsily, simply, "The voices grew louder outside the window." conveys both the proximity and that it's her window.
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She stood up again almost shivering--anxious and elated at the same time.
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Again, a clipping would do this line good, first of all, lose the "almost" it's cheapens the emotion, she could be "on the verge of shivering" or "shivering", but the use of 'almost' is too ambiguous and loses some meaning. Then, the anxiety and elation don't need to be felt at the same time, just saying the two is enough. I'd like to see this line as, "She stood up, her body shivering in anxiety and elation."
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It was too early, she realized quickly.
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No reason to reliaze 'quickly', just realize. My opinion, again.
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Rebecca hurried and opened it ajar.
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I like the 'ajar', but she doesn't need to open it ajar, I think it'd read nicely as, "Rebecca hurried and threw it ajar."
The end of the piece flowed a lot better than the beginning, did you write it at different times? Just curious.
I liked the feeling of the piece, it builds nicely to the end, you can tell some twist is coming but you can't figure out what until the second to last line, then the whole story comes together.
I like it, and with a bit of polishing with some of the tense changes and spelling, it will be a strong story.
