gossip about a girl - Writers Forum

Dairy Pharmer · 11-19-2004, 07:28 PM

I'm a spoiled brat, even at 23 years old. I openly admit it to my friends who gawk at me when I tell them how my daddy races out every morning that we're out of coffee to get me a Dunkin Donut's cappuchino as a peace offering while topping off my gas tank in the process.

Last year I had a friend named Timmy. He was one of the funniest guys I knew. But we had a fight because I'm a born-again christian and he came out to his closest friends, and I told him I didn't approve of his lifestyle. He came back by attacking me for wanting to date some stuck up Jewish guy from the Bronx.

Timmy told me I was "distracted" because all I wanted to do was shop and go out to dinner with Stanley and I was letting my studies slide. I dropped out of Organic Chemistry. My parents were forced to pay for my 8th consecutive undergraduate semester without graduating. I'm such a slacker, I know. I didn't want to hear it. I told him I didn't want to speak to him again.

It turns out my boy I liked was just using me for a "local" last minute friend and stand in sex partner, since suddenly I learned the hard way that he had a girlfriend back home in NYC. I was used! Timmy was right!

Just yesterday, I was eating breakfast, and revelling in my summertime slavery of having to work to pay off my needless Macy's debt on my credit card. You don't understand, you're nobody unless you're wearing TOMMY HILFIGER! Nothing bothers me more than people who fake namebrand designers! UGH!

Nevermind my parents slogging away at work trying to put me through college, while I was carelessly pissing money into every store possible for clothes I can barely fit into cause I'm such a chunker! I'm hilarious! I'm fat and spoiled! I even feel sorry for myself cause I'm fat and I hate all skinny girls! They'll get what they deserve. I know this.

I was eating my 3rd bagel with creamcheese when my daddy got up from the table and left the obituaries lying open. My eyes wandered the page, and I saw Timmy's picture! I spun the newspaper around to face me and read that he had died suddenly last week.

I haven't heard from him since December, and immediately felt terrible about what I had done. I tossed him away. I had kept his AIM name on so I could keep tabs on him and his AWAY messages, I know its pathetic, but we never talked anymore. I felt so guilty! He never got to understand how sorry I was for, for, something...I dunno.

I called his house and his mother told me his father had found him dead early one morning while hearing a THUMP come from the bathroom. He supposedly had suffered a heart attack from the steamy water in the shower. Who ever heard of that? A 22 year old guy dropping dead with no history of health problems from hot water? They said it wasn't an overdose, but I'm not so sure.

I was so scared. What if my friends hate me now cause they know that we stopped talking months ago and I wasn't there for him or his family at all? What will people think? I devised a plan. I wrote a very descriptive essay on why Timmy was special to my life and how I'll always remember him. I'll tell people how we were talking again and resolved some issues we had and had plans to get together one day, but it never happened due to unfortunate events.

I detailed his death and his odd living arrangement, being with two very protective parents who assumed every girl he was friends with was his future bride-to-be, and this was why I never met either parent in person. I swear!

I mass emailed this delusion to all my friends, and waited to get hugs and pats on the back. But can you believe, one of them got angry with me, and called my bluff? Carrie actually accused me of being a crappy friend for bailing on Timmy, and then lying about our relationship to make myself feel better about ditching him. I'm not like that! Am I? This in turn spouted WW3, and I got my other friend to email her and yell at her for being such a jerk to me, after a close friend died. I couldn't deal with her myself. Oops, need a Xanax. Aaah, there-we-go!

Finally I emailed her myself to set her straight on how I was too a great friend to Timmy and how I didn't tell her EVERYTHING that went on in my life eventhough we were class mates for the passed 2 years and saw eachother everyday. She also thought it was DISGUSTING that I could make a campaign of and publicly broadcast a friend's death to win "votes" for being a good person. That pissed me off. I told her when she dies I won't do anything that nice for her. I just want to be able to apologize to Timmy for being so uncaring about his life. I never did anything wrong to Carrie, and she was great for helping with homework and listening to me vent. Though we had nothing in common.

I guess I kinda used her as a stand in friend too, only a person I discussed negative things in my life with. Someone to dump on. I do wish I hadn't told Timmy I never wanted to see him again though. Okay so maybe I am feeling guilty. She doesn't need to know that. She doesn't need to know that she hit the nail on the head and somehow saw through my plan; she saw that I was trying to look innocent of killing a friendship and ultimately a friend. That's how I feel anyways. Maybe she was right? I'll never know, and never admit that maybe I was wrong, I'm never talking to her again. Oh well, church is on Sunday, they always make me feel better about doing nasty things.

Deadally · 11-19-2004, 07:42 PM

Alas, the story went nowhere...I hated your protagonist. The ending wasn't all that surprising, really...the cause of death was imaginative but WAY overblown (hot water?)

It seems a little bit like you don't have the right perspective to write a story like this. I'd kinda like to see what other things you have written...do you have a link? Something just tells me that you have written something else that redeems you.

Smurf Mamita · 11-19-2004, 08:22 PM

I like the idea. And you had my attention until you wrote fat ass and dumbass. Then you wrote some words that really shouldn't be in a short story like this. (At least I think so.) Your paragraphs are really short too.

I kind of like it though.

Dairy Pharmer · 11-19-2004, 09:42 PM

Actually it's a true story....imagine that. I know I have to work on it, its from an odd perspective. But hey, thats why I posted it. The girl that I was writing from her perspective is a girl I actually know.

I don't find it necessary to "redeem" myself, being a new writer. In fact from your behavior I'm not sure I want to post anything else here.

Mammamaia, I will re-work it, however the words used were true to their source, the girl is half crazy I'm thinking. tried to convey that in the random cursing, but I guess it didn't work.

zaoshang · 11-19-2004, 11:45 PM

Wow. For one, I'm speechless.

It's hard to write from such an untypical POV as this one (unreliable, immature, self-contradictory). I think you did it brilliantly; you've shaped the spirit of your character very well. I wouldn't really change anything to this story. Everything is in its place.

But I don't understand why you got upset. That's why we are here: to give and accept honest feedback.

Deadally · 11-20-2004, 10:34 AM

Dairy, I'm a touch offended...all I emoted was an offer to WANT to read some of your other work because this one fell quite short of the mark, and whether it's true or not, I just don't believe that it is in your style of writing for soem reason

I believe you could do better, but it's really no skin of my nose if you choose not to post any more...

touchy...you should see some of the posts I've gotten for my compositions on a certain other forum! Please allow me to quote...

Quote:

That sucked. I'm being honest here. I won't sugarcoat anything when it comes to compositions. You don't really understand composition outside of putting shit in and hoping it sounds fine, do you?

This is not an atypical comment on the forum...they jsut do not tolerate new people unless they are willing to grow. Albeit, it is not the VERY best way to get people better, but it does weed out ther crap

So stop being a condescending newb and grow up...post something else so we cna help you out

BlackHoleEnvy · 11-20-2004, 07:03 PM

Interesting piece here. While it doesn't read fluidly, more like a brainstorm or a page out of some errant teen's diary, I commend the somewhat daring choice of narrator. Despite general choppiness, you capture her voice well. It's just too bad that she is such an annoying person I'd rather strangle her than read a single thought that ping-pongs through her head. Such is the gamble when writing for socially unredeemable characters.... Needs work if you want to take it further, but kudos anyhow.

Don't let needlessly negative criticism get you down. Running away from that kind of thing will not make you a better writer. Standing up to it and perhaps trying to take something away from it will thicken your skin (if indeed anything can be taken away at all.) Opinions are like assholes, to each his own, et cetera....

Dairy Pharmer · 11-22-2004, 06:52 PM

It's not that I can't take criticism, its that Deadally didn't mention anywhere for improvement just what sucked about it. I'm new at this still and never claimed to KNOW WHAT I'M DOING quite yet, just experimenting.

Sorry to offend you Deadally, but just because you received a shitty post doesn't mean others want nasty comments, right? Why not give me a suggestion on how to improve somehting rather than blow it to pieces and ask me aboutother work? Truth is, I have nothing typed up right now. I'm sorry you took my post the wrong way, but I took your post the negative way t was intended, didn't I?

Farror · 11-22-2004, 08:00 PM

He didn't blow you to pieces. He said what he thoughtm, and said he was certain you could do better. I'm afraid that if this is an overly harsh assesment to you, than you need some thicker skin.

And describing it as a nasty thing to say? That's jusr ridiculous. This forum is not about patting each other on the back and saying "Yeah, that was absolutely fantastic!" It's about helping people learn to write better.

By the way, I liked your writing, it salvaged the plot, which was, in my opinion, somewhat lacking.

Understandable, since this is apparenty a true story.

Dairy Pharmer · 11-22-2004, 09:50 PM

As I said before, I am looking for criticism on helping my work, not just teling me how bad someone thought it was. To me there's a difference. If I don't like someone's work, I'd tell them that and then I'd feel compelled to say what I did like about it and what I would try to work on. It's a matter of respect for me. I like my skin just fine thanks!