|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 192
|
My latest finished prose, "Her Feet Are Bare"
This is the first part of what i have typed up. If anybody cares to read more of it, I shall post the rest (once I get it typed up, of course!)
Be honest in critiques, as I'm sure I would give any of you no less.
"Her Feet Are Bare" Part 1
By Zach Hartman
The rubble in the streets from the various explosions had never been cleared. The people of Kazurk lived their lives around debris. The children played on the mounds of clutter, and it only took one slice from a broken, rusty piece of metal for them to stop wanting to play near it –that is for the children who did not succumb to tetanus- The streets were still never cleared of rubble, and the children eventually stopped playing.
Amina Tengo walked the ruined pathways of the city every day to her job. Ever since her parents had died, she was forced to help her foster family make ends meet. She trudged through the streets very carefully, for she was experienced with cut legs and avoiding the debris. She had no shoes, but, being the resourceful ten-year-old that she was, Amina was able to fashion a pair using a few pieces of wood and string.
She remembered her true parents vaguely, that they had been hard workers for Government. Amina was raised to worship Him, and they even had a portrait of Government in their living room. She would stare at the picture for hours in her more idle days, but one night men in black coats came took her parents away. Mr. And Mrs. Tengo were put in charge of caring for the girl while her parents went on a trip. Amina wondered when they were coming back.
A snake wriggled from underneath one of the blocks of concrete, and Amina stood watching it intently while keeping her distance. Suddenly, she realized that she had been dawdling too long and would be late for work, so she sprinted through the street. Some of the rubble tripped her up, and she fell to the ground, snapping the wooden sole of her left shoe and skinned her leg. She got up and forced herself to walk with the horrendous stinging of her leg oozing with blood.
Jakol W’Thali, an imposingly tall and dark man with black hair and deep, penetrating, terrifying eyes, was Amina’s boss. He saw the girl limping toward her post and rushed to her side, looked at his wristwatch and screamed, “You stupid girl! You’re late! I should fire you on the spot!”
With that Jakol struck the girl in the stomach with the barrel of his gun, and she fell to the ground, tears welling in her eyes. “I give those damned Tengos some financial help, and this is the thanks I get! This is the filth I am always stuck with! Ignorant peasants!”
Amina rose slowly and hobbled to the armory shack. The guard handed her a rifle, and she began her appointed rounds. Her job was to guard against the evil men who stole into Kazurk to cause explosions. Government had been sending military to aid the town ever since the first attacks, and since General Jakol was an expert on explosives, Government appointed him the leader of the resistance against terrorism. Unfortunately, even someone so powerful as Government could not stop those evil rebels who chose not to strike at day but at night, and their attacks had been growing in frequency. Alas, General Jakol said that Government would not allow possible harm to come to children, for the terrorists could easily strike out of their child-level perception. Amina still did not understand why she was not allowed to help General Jakol and his elite squadron at night guard, but she recognized his authority as absolute just like Government’s voice. She made her patrol, pacing back and forth on her hurt leg and looking out past the outskirts of Kazurk. She was given a break after two hours, and she took the opportunity to obtain a drink of water from the rationing station. Her sweet break was all too short, and she felt with every step searing pain of her torn leg when blood coursed through it. An hour into her second shift, Jakol broke a loaf of bread and gave each worker a piece. Amina took this lunch break and spent it with her friends under the awning of the bakery (which had long been closed down). Bailo and Juga were nearly on the top of her list of favorite people; the three would spend their idle time chatting frivolously of Government’s glory and power. As Amina sat down, Bailo greeted her warmly, and his sister followed suit. They ate their pieces of bread and spoke of nothing for about fifteen minutes before the three were broken up again by their appointed rounds. Every day Amina dreaded this shift in her day. It was a long stretch, four hours of pacing without a significant break.
At one hour into her march, Amina’s leg was throbbing so badly that she could barely stand. Two more hours passed, and Amina’s tongue had become so dry and swollen that she forgot the screaming pains in her leg. Amina dwelled upon the thought of the terrorists that had managed to sneak into Kazurk and steal most of the water. She vowed to find the responsible men and bring them to justice and end the terrible rationing. If only she knew where the cowards hid! At last four o’clock came, and Jakol provided the briefing of day’s end.
“Everyone! You managed to avert yet another disaster today! While you dutifully guarded your country, no terrorists attacked us!”
A cheer let out from the group; Amina cheered loudest of them all.
“Your work for the day is done! You are the greatest soldiers in the world, and you all deserve blessings and a feast. Please report to the armor station for your pay. Thank you all!”
Amina thought bitterly to herself as she walked to the armorer. She might actually HAVE a feast if the rebels hadn’t attacked the aid trucks. Almost nobody could safely get into or out of Kazurk except powerful men from Lord Government’s army, for evil men nested just past the outskirts of town, and they despised and envied the people of Kazurk for their blessings and freedoms. Amina guarded against men like that every day, and they were the most blatantly fearful cowards for their subversive night efforts. They feared the might of the Kazurk militia! The heathens would pay for their treachery.
Because she had been late for work, Amina received two iron coins instead of her usual three. Bailo and Juga collected their pay and joined Amina on the trek home. The three children were far too tired and hungry to feel like talking, and none of them thought much of it. Their line of work was difficult. They passed the rusty sign, and the three went their separate ways home. After the long walk, Amina finally arrived at her foster parents’ home. As she limped in through the doorway, her mother asked where her pay was, and Amina handed her the coins, “Where is the third?”
Amina explained her wound and the consequences of her delay. Her mother was nearly in tears as she gave Amina a hug to make the pain of hunger and wounds go away. “There will not be enough for food. The collector is coming tonight.”
The girl liked the collectors, for they were rather kindly men. They also ensured that the money of Kazurk was kept flowing. She could not understand what made her mother so nervous about their coming. To pass the time, the two played a game of scraps with an old and worn stack of playing cards. Amina would throw a card to the floor, and her mother would try to take the card by aiming and hitting it with a card of the same suit. They let out a chuckle when Amina overthrew her card and watched it flutter to the ground. Amina decided to end the game when her mother’s aim became too shaky to pose a challenge. She also kept peering at the doorway until Amina asked, “What is wrong?”
“The collectors are coming, Amina.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Her mother shuddered, “…nothing, dear… I’m just so excited to know…”
The squeak of the opening door startled the woman, and she stood quickly to look at the intruder. She realized it was her husband and relaxed slightly, “It’s collection day. Do we have enough?”
He replied, “I made seven pieces today, what about Amina?”
“She made two because she arrived late.”
“Well! I’ll be damned if I allow them to…Amina, you’re leg is hurt! What happened?”
Amina answered, “I fell in the street when I was running to work because I was late.”
Her father bent down and gave his daughter a hug, and then he got to his knees and placed his palm on the wound, a sign of forgiveness and empathy. “For whatever happens tonight, it is not your fault. Here is one piece,” he said, placing a coin in Amina’s hand. “When the collector comes, go buy as much bread as you can from the vendor in town. Do not come back without the bread, but do not be out after dark, ok?”
“Yes, sir!” Amina respected only one man more than her stepfather, and nothing could make her go against his wishes.
Another knock came at the door, and a tall man dressed in black stepped into the house. “It is time to pay your taxes, Tengo! Let’s see…you have one working daughter, that’s two pieces, and your house tax is three…and your, erhem…amnesty tax will be 5…” He paused his speech to give Amina a pat on the head, and she decided that the time was right to get the food.
As she exited, her father said, “We only have 8 coins to pay you.”
Amina was already away from the house, hearing the collector say, “Well, then you’ll not be able to pay the amnesty tax, so…” before the sound trailed off into mumblings. A sudden shout from her father was quickly cut off, and Amina stood still in the street. She began to walk back toward the house slowly, but she remembered her father’s wish and continued toward the center of town. She stopped for another moment when she heard her mother scream. Amina was fearful of the consequences wrought from her father not being able to pay. Perhaps the collector would like to have her coin, as well? As she thought, she looked through the street and saw a large building with Government’s face plastered on it, and her heart rejoiced. She remembered her discipline and continued on her quest to gain some bread even through the distant cries of her mother in the sunset. When she finally reached the plaza, she saw men in black coats operating kiosks selling bread and more luxurious foods like apples and tomatoes. She stepped up to one of the covered stands and asked for as much bread as one piece could buy her, and the tall man handed her a small portion of bread from a stale loaf. Amina happily began her trek home, and on her way back she heard a couple speaking in whispers. “I have seen the soldiers and Kathgar’s mercenaries. They’re getting more nervous every day!”
Amina wondered who Kathgar might be.
“Nobody is coming. Who would be foolish enough to take on the armies of Ilan? Certainly not some outlander!”
Amina was jolted into remembering her father’s command as she heard the thudding of boots walking into the room where the couple spoke.
“Well, all I know is that Kathgar has been persecuting our kind long enough! I…what are you…?”
Amina was already gone from the window when she heard gunshots echo through the street. She was desperately trying to get home while the street was still visible. Walking in the dark with broken shoes would certainly have been a nightmare. She figured the firings came from terrorists, but she had no weapon with which to fight them, so she jogged home as fast as she could.
End the first part...this is about half of it, and don't hold back on ciritquing just because you don't have the whole story yet! Please, show me what you think of it!
|
sorry, I guess I expected the worst. Ignore my comments then; I hope I can be more helpful when I read the whole text. I'm really looking forward to. Happy typing! 
