TheUnnamedhero

I guess this could be considered a vignette, but its okay, im new, ill take my chances. It is just a really really short story. BTW: I know that the grammer and such is not perfect, I wrote it that way for effect.

And You'll Always Ask Me Why...

It took a long time, but I finally came around.

I realized it while I was driving myself crazy, heading down a dead end road. 'Im lost,' id say with a half hearted laugh, as i look over at you. 'Watch the road!' you'd scream. Yet there's nowhere to go. I'm lost.

Thinking there may be a turnabout at the end, I kept on down the road, but when we see the end come into veiw, we realize there is no going back now. So we went our seperate ways after that, although we both know thats what you wanted. And now that I think about it, thats what I wanted too. The very next week id go back again, different person, different plan.

No one ever really questioned,

was it love?
or was it fear?

All the same, I'm happy now, thats what I tell myself. Smiling at you as you push me away. Getting too close to hold your hand. But that's what this is all about, isnt it?

As time goes on, we'd see that road all too often. I always try to turn back before we get too far along that road.

...and you'll always ask me why.

*

Rob

It's a pleasant enough read for a very short piece. Only real comments, it seemed to jump tenses a little, and the deliberately poor grammar didn't work for me, it was a distraction. I would suggest correcting the grammar and letting the strength of the words come through.

Cheers,
Omni

mammamaia

well, i didn't find it all that 'pleasant' a read, as it seems to be just the maunderings of a serial cad...

but i do agree that the poor grammar is distracting and i can't see why it would have been 'on purpose' so i suspect that's more an excuse than a reason...

you also need to apply the standard rules of punctuation, if you want to do anything with this...

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desired_destiny

Pronouns are overused. I'd like to know who and what you are talking about.

It also changes from past tense to present tense. Please try to keep it one or the other.

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TheUnnamedhero

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I forgot, you wrote this, right? I wrote it this way for a reason, whether or not you choose to accept that is your own deal. But, DO NOT tell me you 'suspect' something other than what I said. I told you all it was on purpose, it was my own artistic touch. So maybe you didn't like it. Tell me that, do not tell me I was just being lazy, that will piss me off.

Thank you for your advice everyone else.

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"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD

mammamaia

if you post your work for critique, that's what you're going to get... to demand that all here obey your orders in re observing certain conditions for that critique is silly...

i did not tell you that you were being lazy... you projected that idea into my general observation, on your own... as far as what you call your 'artistic touch' is concerned, it isn't one, in my opinion... to my half-century-long experienced eye, it's just an unseasoned writer's conceit that turns off the reader from the git-go...

and that's MY OPINION, whether you like it or not... and that's why other people post their work here... to GET opinions... if you don't want anything but unqualified praise for your stuff, post it on your bedroom wall instead...

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TheUnnamedhero

Exactly, you said it great, I want opinions on my work. I do not want to hear that you think my artistic touch is an excuse, I do want to hear that it is distracting or what not; like others have said.

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"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD

MA2

You use too many commas. In many spaces a period or other punctuation would be more suited.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. I forgot: You wrote this, right?

If we could just somehow indicate that this is to be said in a "Woody Allen" voice, you'd be all set.

Whether or not you intentionally chose to make mistakes in your story is irrelevant to me. I didn't like the way it was presented, and I'll leave it at that.

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Hakeem

Hey TheUnn (Your nickname is too long, I'm too lazy to scroll up and type it in the right way!). Anyway, I liked it alot, and this is your 'artistic touch' and you're free with it and like it too. That's what I think, it's all about opinions mate.

As mentioned above, you use many commas, and do work on the grammer a bit, no, actuallty alot! And add some more paragraphes in the same style, also tell us who is the person at the end and the overall would turn out just great.

Anyway, I liked it. (Hey all, don't bite my head of, that's only 'my opinion').

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TheUnnamedhero

Thank you for your replies, I will remmeber them if/when I feel like rewriting this peice. Thanks again.

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"Slowly I'm driving myself crazy, headed down a dead-end road." -WASTeD