x Lucy

A little story i'm working on, based on the game of 'American Mcgee's Alice in Wonderland' There are still a few things i have to change, but I thought I'd get opinions.

They must think I need to be put in here, them being my parents. Well, they must’ve thought I need to be in here, with no windows and no source of light.
I’m stuck in asylum and they think I’m mad, but I know he’s coming back for me, I know that ball of purple and pink fluff is going to come and get me.
Every night I hear him walking around outside my cell and every night I get up and stare out of the barred window in the door, trying to see him, but in vain.
Still, I believe he is there, and if I believe, anything is possible, so there must be a chance.
The last words my mother said to me were ‘Alice, your one strange child, your head is full of nonsense. Smarten up, think properly, and you’ll survive this cruel world’
Now to me, that is a lot of nonsense. I’m not strange in any way, I’m not mad, I’m not crazy, I’m me, and I’m just one, lonely, misunderstood girl…
Or rather, I was lonely... But now that cat’s back, I feel warm, I feel at home, even if I am in a four-walled box-room.
But there is one thing that’s bothering me... Last night, I looked out, and the tail I saw before wasn’t there… It wasn’t pink and purple... or fluffy… it was grey. A grey, thin, bony tail… And when I looked again, a piercing smile flashed before my eyes, and two, amber optics glowed, I wanted to follow, but how was I supposed to? Obviously wonderland needs me. Otherwise they wouldn’t let him stroll around at night…

I saw him, I saw him close up.
He was in my room, staring at me the whole time.
A doctor came in and asked me how I was feeling… I wondered why, but I didn’t ask, I simply said ‘I’m fine sir,’ and then he told me to rest…
Then that cat, the cat that once was my only way of getting out of that place, was there, sitting in the corner of my cell, staring with his amber eyes in my direction.
Only his eyes where the only thing that was the same.
His fluffy body or purple and pink was now grey and skeleton like, and two pointed ears stuck out from atop his head, a silver ring dangling from one of them. His body was marked in a series of patterned black stripes and he looked so… so old…
At the sight of him, I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth. He gave one, cold, sinister smile, which somehow disturbed me, and made me feel like I wanted to get up and hug him at the same him.
The doctor, which was exiting through the only door in the place, right next to the cat, turned around and looked at me concerned,
‘Alice? Are you alright?’
I nodded, my hand still covering my mouth, and the cat gave a laugh. It was obvious that the doctor couldn’t see him, or hear him, as he nodded at me and walked out the door, closing it as he left.
I scrambled further into the corner of my bed and pulled the white sheet over me. I was scared and happy at the same time. Maybe it was because finally, after all these years, he had come back... Or maybe it was because now there was someone I could talk to.
He lifted a bony paw and stretched it towards me, his pointed claws gleaming, even though there was no sunlight around. His two, amber eyes glowed softly before he got up,
“Alice m’dear, Alice…” he said his voice deep and dark, “what are you doing in here? The innocent do not belong in asylums, only the mad…”
I scrambled forward a little as he began to make his way across the room and I could imagine that purple and pink chubby cat being in his place.
“I know the mad belong here,” I said, I couldn’t help smiling at him as he jumped up onto the bed next to me.
“Ah, so do you believe me now? Only the mad and the deranged come to wonderland, remember Alice? Remember?”
I looked at my lap after scrambling out from the covers, I couldn’t bare to look in his eyes, that friendly yet crazed glint still shimmering.
“I remember,” I said quietly.
A clawed paw rested itself on my shoulder, and I felt the lightness of his limbs, how fragile they’d become.
“Now now Alice! Do not worry yourself about my worsened state,”
He seemed to be reading my mind, and I could feel his slanted eyes boring into the side of my head.

Kimberly Bird

Hi Lucy, how are you. I read your part story or introduction to a much longer version and rather enjoyed it. There are some areas though that need to be cleaned up a bit, but nothing serious. Most of it is just grammer mistakes, ex...

Well, they must’ve thought I need to be in here, with no windows and no source of light. (There should be no comma between here and with. Try not to repeat words. Why not with no windows or source of light.) Just little things like this need to be corrected.

I was also confused about that cat said only the Mad belong in the asylum and in Wonderland.... Alice was in Wonderland, so wouldn't she be considered Mad now? And was it the cat that had gone crazy as well? If you could clarify this ending a bit....

Good job though, Lucy. I wish you the best of luck with this story.

Kimberly

__________________
There are two types of wisdom in this world; one is seeking and loud, the other is silent and true. (Chief Dan George)

zaoshang

That was great; I enjoyed very much reading it and wish to see the rest. Indeed, the text needs some polishing, though I understand that some "mistakes" must be there to suggest the inner flow of Alice's thoughts. But I find the piece outstanding and original.

Other comments. At times I felt you said too much; some things were already obvious and didn't need emphasis, such as:

Also, I'd enjoy it more if Alice and the cat didn't talk about madness (I'd rather like them to talk about Wonderland or something else). What they say about being mad is true, but I'd like to understand it by myself, not to be told of explicitly. I'm highly subjective here; ignore me if you feel that dialogue needs to be there.

x Lucy

Ooo, yeah, that's what it was supposed to mean, i better change that a little to make it a bit clearer.

and thanks zaoshang for the comments, i'll take them into consideration when writing the story

thank you both!