pwauburn

In the summer of 1996, two buddies and I loaded up a Toyota Corolla and headed on our way out west for no reason in particular. The 3 or us together weighed over 650lbs, so it was a tight fit. We left from central Alabama and had to go down to Pensacola, Fl. in order to pick up some tents and sleeping bags. We had decided that sense we were broke, it would be best if we just camped out every night. At our first stop for gas, Paul, the youngest of us, asked me "Pat, can I borrow some money?" I didn't mind loaning it to him, but I did want to know what his monetary plan was for the next 10 days of this cross country trip. He claimed that his parents would deposit his pay check into his account in a day or so, after it arrived.

On the first day, we drove 3 hours to Pensacola, Fl. and then drove on to a little town in Texas that was just west of the Louisiana state line. I can not remember the name of that town, but it was the first night of a long trip. We arrived at the camp ground at about 2:00 a.m. As we were digging through the trunk, getting out the sleeping bags and tents, I asked Paul, whom had brought the tents "Paul, where are the tent stakes?" Paul replied with one of the dumbest answers I had ever heard "I thought you brought them?" I never understood why in the hell he thought I would have brought the stakes. It's not like we were a bunch of hippies that go camping every weekend. I didn't even own a tent, much less an extra set of stakes. Paul, of course, had brought himself a little pop tent. I don't know if that is how it is spelled, but that is how it sounds. He didn't need stakes for it, because all he had to do was throw it on the ground and it popped up. The third guy, Leotus, just grabbed the remaining tent and rolled himself up like a burrito and slept on the ground. I decided to just sleep in the car.

About 5 in the morning I was awoken by some toothless guy screaming in my ear about his money. NOTE: When I first wake up in the morning, I'm pretty confused and angry. So he and I yelled at each other for a minute, and then I realized that I really did owe this guy some money for having used his camp site. As it turned out, the toothless guy was pretty cool, once he got paid. He let us use his shower, which was surprisingly clean, and told us where to go in town so that we could get a good Texas size breakfast (every store in Texas, serves a Texas style something or other.)

I really can't remember where we went from there exactly, but I do remember spending an uneventful day at the Alamo, and walking around San Antonio. By uneventful, I don't mean it wasn't enjoyable, we just didn't do anything terribly stupid. We left San Antonio and drove west on I-10. I drove that day, while Leotus and Paul drank whiskey. I guess that was my good deed for the day, being a sober driver. My other good deed came when we stopped at a hole in the wall gas station to get gas. By that time, my two drinking buddies were plastered, and unfortunately there was a pissed off looking sherriff at the gas station. He didn't seem to be pissed off until Paul and Leotus stumbled out of the car and came into the gas station, wreaking of whiskey. I thought that the cop was gonna arrest us and bury us in the dessert someplace, so I dragged the two drunks out and put them back in the car. That sherriff had scared me worse than the Mexican police we encountered later on in Juarez, Mexico. After leaving that gas station, we traveled to another small Texas town and this time we rented a cabin at the KOA campgroud. We also bought a few cases of "Lone Star" beer. That is the National beer of Texas. So just in case you were wondering if Texas claims itself as a state or a nation, they have a beer that answers that question.

Since I had driven all day, I decided it was time for me to drink, and unfortunately Paul continued to drink so that I wouldn't be the only one drinking. I say that it was unfortunate that he continued to drink, because after about 3 hours of drinking we ended up getting into a fight. Leotus still laughs about this fight to this day, because it was all started over an argument as to whether or not the planet Jupiter can be seen with the naked eye. You see, I watch the Discovery channel religously and Paul is a science freak. Due to our devotion to the sciences, we were both convinced that we were right, and that the other was an idiot. One thing led to another, and the next thing you know, the guys at the KOA campground that have Alabama liscence plates, that are wearing camoflauge, and are drinking beer like it's water have gotten into a fight.

Damn, I'm stopping there. This isn't going too good, I don't think. What do you guys think?

Rob

To be honest, it doesn't hold my attention much. I read it through, as far as it goes, but it's a little dry. Much of the writing is simply listing events, in a sort of we-did-this, we-did-that manner, so the style is quite dull to read. There's no real emotion in what you've written, and it invokes no emotion in me as a reader, there's nothing to make me care about the characters.

Sorry to sound so negative. You obviously have an idea for a story here that you want to capture, but the implementation doesn't entertain me.

Consider some of the traditional story elements, for example, give the characters - or at least one main character - a goal that needs to be achieved, and then thwart attempts to reach that goal. Give us a reason to want to read more. Show us the characters' emotions. Let us feel sympathy for the main character, let us feel empathy.

Good luck,
Omni

pwauburn

Thanks, that is very helpful. I like honesty.

This is actually a real account of something that I did when I was much younger. I'm having trouble deciding how much I want to include, and the emotions have some what slipped my mind. I should probably recall the story line before writing it, and then add what emotions I can recall. Right now, it's still coming back to me as I write it.

pwauburn

Dang, you're right. I re-read it and it really does have an "and then, and then, and then..." feeling to it. Plus it's boring.

DawnMorningStar

Hi pwauburn...

I think like Omnius pointed out, if you can just go back in and add some emotion, more description and a hint of suspense, you'll have a much more intriguing story here. Your writing itself isn't bad. You just need to add more points of interest. Keep at it...I'm sure you can make it work!

pwauburn

thanks. Again, I greatly appreciate the honesty.