tenlilratsies

Short, kind of rough, and might be used for an Oral Story-telling for my Graduation Project. Thank you to all who read it!

The bird flies and soars in the blackest night. If not for the moon glistening off its beautiful feathers no man would have ever known it existed. This bird was more beautiful than anything this earth could comprehend. Her body was of a woman, perfectly carved from Gods mold, dark as if fashioned from the heavens of night. From her back sprout wings, the color of obsidian and of the darkest raven. From dusk till done she flew. Spinning through the darkness full of joy and peace.
In her time humans were monsters. Evil greedy creatures that slinked their way around the earth. They dressed themselves with gold and jewels, sharpened their teeth into points and paraded in red and purple satin. At midnight these creatures would gather to the bonfires. They danced and sung devilish chants that no other creature could bare to listen to.
On the night of the harvest, when the moon shown it’s brightest a man stumbled away from the village. He laughed and shrieked as he fell down by a pool of water. From up above him the bird saw the glittering of its clothes. She landed next to him, and when he saw her he began to weep and her stunning beauty. Even the beauty on the outside was secondary, the beauty on the inside of her depicted everything that mankind is not. He instantly knew what was wrong with his life, and though he tried to tell her, he had never learned to speak, as with most of his people they just didn't care anymore.
She gathered him into her arms and sang to him. Her beautiful voice made a choir of angels seem like nothing but geese. She pressed him tightly to her as she began to fly. She circled the people’s village, as scared Animal afraid of the dangers. The humans below saw the Bird and took her for an evil monster. When she finally got the courage to land the humans gathered around her with a demonic countenance. They lept on her, grasping and tearing at her wings so that they were no more. When they stripped her of that on possession they threw her into their fires. The bon fire now became a wondrous funeral Pyre. She did not scream as she died, but let out one beautiful note. A note that melted the evil of the humans. They lay by that fire, weeping. Days went by, not even the ashes smoldered. They could not comprehend what they had done. None dared to move or open their eyes, for if they were to see a feather they would not have been able to bear it.
One by one they died in the place that they had fell. Only one was left, the man that she had saved that night. He gathered his things and walked in the direction of the sun. He would tell the others of the wondrous bird. Though he still couldn't talk the bird have given him a voice, a singing voice. He would tell every one of what he had heard and what he had seen. He would shout it from the Mountains and the Valleys; no one would ever be left behind again.

__________________
"Quod est ante pedes nemo spectat: coeli scrutantur plagas" (No one sees what is before his feet: we all gaze at the stars.)
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

Malaika

yes, rough, but I love the idea. Its moving. Similar to "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" or Mannfred. A haunting tale. Rewrite it a couple of times and post it again

__________________
If it be life to wear within myself, this barrenness of spirit, and to be my own soul's sepulchre. For I have ceased to justify my deeds unto myself - the last infirmity of evil.
-George Gordon, Lord Byron

demonic_harmonic

this gives me the impression of when jesus came to earth. dont know if that had anything to do with it. it is somewhat rough *like my rear end when i forget the lotion*... but its still good. party on wayne.

Rob

I wasn't sure that I really saw the point, but that might just be me. The whole piece obviously needs a proof read, and corrections. Also, I thought your imagery was weak in places.

I would suggest you either need flies or soars, but not both. If the bird soars, it's flying, so you're effectively saying it flies twice. The imagery is confusing. You start by giving us the blackest night, then give us the moonlight glistening. If the moon is out, you don't have the blackest night.

This is contradictory.

Again, you only need one of obsidian or the darkest raven, as you're effectively saying the wings were black and black. You describe her wings as being black, and yet the moonlight glistens off her feathers.

You appear to have reversed the common imagery of beauty and evil, where the beautiful bird woman is black all over, and the evil humans wear gold and jewels and parade in red and purple satin.

There's more, and quite a lot of typo/grammar errors, but you get the idea.

Good luck,
Omni

demonic_harmonic

how is that contradictory?



[/quote]

Rob

He comprehends her beauty.

demonic_harmonic

not really. people cant comprehend miracles or real love and still cry when they happen.

Rob

I really don't see the point in you arguing about my critique. I've expressed my opinion. You've expressed yours. That they differ is natural enough. You think the story is good. I think it has a lot that needs working on. I guess it comes down to your definition of good.

Cheers,
Omni

mammamaia

i don't advise on work with violent content, so all i can add to omni's on target comments, is that in the first paragraph, you've a confusing mix of present and past tense...

hugs, maia

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tenlilratsies

The critques help alot, will help me if I actually choose this story to do it orally. Will try to unjumble it, and rewrite. I have quite a hard time rereading something that I have written. usually I reread once and run a spell check over to catch any of the blaring grammatical errors. Half the time I don't even make complete sentences. I will take your point and better the story. Thankee Sai.

Also its alot different then most of my other works, because I was taking my hand native american and mythical folklore type things.

.Amber

__________________
"Quod est ante pedes nemo spectat: coeli scrutantur plagas" (No one sees what is before his feet: we all gaze at the stars.)
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

Cipher2

The tense seems to keep changing. Even though it's only a short story I would clarify the position of the narator. I would also correct the grammer and spelling since it's difficult to read and guage the impact with mistakes. It's an idea that needs strong descriptive imagery to work. I like the idea. It seems like a religious alegory. I'm going to edit this because I haven't said any more than anyone else...

On the night of the harvest, when the moon shown it’s brightest a man stumbled away from the village. He laughed and shrieked as he fell down by a pool of water. From up above him the bird saw the glittering of its clothes.

shown-shone
its-his

Even the beauty on the outside was secondary, the beauty on the inside of her depicted everything that mankind is not. He instantly knew what was wrong with his life, and though he tried to tell her, he had never learned to speak, as with most of his people they just didn't care anymore.

Possibly new sentence after 'speak'.

She pressed him tightly to her as she began to fly. She circled the people’s village, as scared Animal afraid of the dangers. The humans below saw the Bird and took her for an evil monster.

as scared Animal afraid of the dangers-
simply 'afraid of the dangers'?

Also bird isn't a proper noun similarly with 'Mountains' and 'Valleys' etc

demonic_harmonic

*laughs knowingly*

i think reading so much of your writing over years of knowing you made me understand what you were going for more.


bird is a proper noun if its a myth or legend. its sort of like the native americans wrote. the Wolf, the Bear, the Gods, ect. right?