Rob

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daniela

You know your grammar pretty well, so I will not be a pest and point out the mistakes in "A Miracle." I will say that this is the most original explanation for the "where do babies come from?" question that I have ever heard. Adding the tooth fairy was a brilliant move. The only concern that I have with this piece is that the narration does not seem quite right to me. It is hard to put my finger on, but I think bringing out the mood a little more, especially in the middle section, may help.

Have you ever thought about getting "A Miracle" published? If you spice up the narration a bit, I think this story would be excellent for children in the six to eight age group.

Good job!

--DM--

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Spaztikfingers

Hey Omni,

Been waiting to read some of your writing! I appreciate you critiques and was wondering what your writing would be like. I liked this a lot, made me smile. I have a 5 year old and I could already see the pictures that could follow along with the story. I agree with Daniela on making it a kids book... go find yourself an artist!
With the story itself, it reminded me of "'twas the night before Christmas." (And you know how long that story has stuck around!) The only thing that bothered me was trying to figure out why the Christmas story seemed more captivating. Like Daniela said, the narrative doesn't seem quite right. After reading it a couple more times, I think it's not the story at all but the style needs to be even more 'innocent'. If you think of the Christmas story, Santa's actions are very identifiable, to children especially. ie. belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.

for your story maybe:
handing the bag of teeth to a little gnarled old woman with a bright red head scarf.

So if anything, add colour, both visually and verbally. It appeals to children much more. If you need a little insight to other kid writing, check out Robert Munsch. My 5 year old loves him... and so do I!
Again this is a great fairy tale and if I saw it on the shelves, I'd pick it up immediately.
Don't stop writing!

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DawnMorningStar

I enjoyed this as well. I found your writing style to flow easily and it kept my attention throughout. Very creative premise.

I think maybe people are finding the narrative a bit "off" because this reads more like an adult story, but the reader comes away finding the subject matter more geared toward children. Does that make any sense?

I also agree that a tad more description would really polish this off.

This was nicely done though, and I don't see any reason why it would be turned away for publishing if you so wished.

BlackHoleEnvy

I agree that the story is written well. What seems lacking in the narrative is not only a unique voice, but a clear tone. At first the tale is rather ominous, and I was expecting it to twist itself into paroxysms of horror. But then it turns out to be a harmless children's tale. I am left without a clear impression of your intentions. The idea is unique and worth pursuing, but the flat and somewhat lackluster narrative voice robs it of any true charm.

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FoggyImagination

Like BHE I was expecting this to be a horror story or something. I like the story, its charming and well-written, however I disagree about the children's book thing...I just find the fact that babies are made out of teeth and chocolate drops by a gnarled old woman to be mildly disturbing.

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