Queasy Dillo

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Michael

I enjoyed the story. The final paragraph was great - blunt and to the point, which made it very effective. I thought that the ending was a little be telegraphed, though. You could probably tell the reader a little bit less about what was going through Sean's mind, and they could connect the dots at the end when the shooting goes down.

The opening description of the park was also excellent. The feelings and memories of innocent childhood play were a good juxtaposition for what's coming. It might be really effective if you ended the story with a few sentences about the park. It would give the story the feeling of coming around back to the beginning again.

I didn't see a whole lot of grammar errors, though a few jumped out at me, like "trees shrubs" in the first paragraph. It was a solidly written piece.

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Michael

Queasy Dillo

Thanks for the feedback. I wrote down this sordid little affair this morning (about 45 minutes from first concept to finish) and wasn't sure how it would go over. My stories tend to be longer than three pages and I wanted to try a bare-bones kind of story. Wasn't sure if I'd cut in the correct places.

Like you've pointed out, the ending was a tough one. I wasn't entirely happy with that last line, as it seemed a bit awkward hanging there on its own. I'm still working on an improved one.

As for the rest, I had a spur of the moment urge to write something nice and stark (lots of contrast, three prominent shades, stuff like that). I wanted to make Century Park an ethereal sort of place. It sounded that way when I did a final check before posting. Not sure if it came across, though.

Anyhoo, thanks for the comments and advice

Dillo

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Michael

I think the park did come across as etheral - but only at the beginning. The aspects of the park don't really make an appearance after the opening, and it might kind of cool to work it in the middle and end a little bit.

And I think you succeeded in writing a bare bones story. You got an awful lot of plot into a short amount of space. Being concise is something that's been hard for me in the past, and it was nice to see someone who could a full story out in a short amount of text. (My "short stories" range from 10-15 pages. )

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Michael

Rob

I liked the story. My only negative comment would be that I felt the pace of the first few paragraphs was too slow, and that you didn't have anything in the opening to really grab a reader's attention and make them want to carry on reading.

But overall, and that aside, I think you did a nice job.

Good luck,
Omni

Queasy Dillo

Glad to hear you liked it, Omnius. I hadn't noticed the pacing of the first paragraphs, but in hindsight I can see you make a valid point.

I guess that's the good thing about three pages - you get to the action pretty quick.

I'll see what I can do.

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You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

jetmanjake

I like the story, and I like what you manage to do in three pages. A few things:

For the most part your language use is good, but on occasion you haven't looked hard enough for the right word: "his shined leather shoes the only sounds in this still and quiet environment." "Enviornment" is weak.


The story is set in Herot? Is that the area of a larger city or a city in itself? If the latter is the case you may want to relocate; I generally think of mob activity mainly restricted to large cities.

I think things do get started a little slowly; you may want to give some metion of why Ryan is there and then digress to the memories, coming back to the present when he sees Short on the bench.

Keep it up with the short fiction; I think you're getting the hang of it.

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The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Queasy Dillo

Thanks, Jetmanjake.

To clarify, Herot is a large fictional city I use as the setting most (if not all) of my mobster fiction. Basically, it's a knockoff of Chicago through Prohibition and Depression.

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jetmanjake

Ahha. Makes more sense now.

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The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

crzywriter

hiya!

my one negative comment that I have to make about this piece is Short's reaction to his family's death. I know that you say he looks dull and changed and dead, but i'm not sure that it would be that mild. hell, if you killed my family, i'd either be raging mad or so incredibly dead that you couldnt force words out of me.

whatever.
other than that, I like this. I like your ending paragraph.

no grammar or spelling mistakes that i found.


~Crzy

Queasy Dillo

See, the deal with Short is that he's still pretty well stunned. I know most people would probably be more visibly upset, but right now he's more concerned about avoiding Daley's bunch.

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You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

crzywriter

yeah, i guess that makes sense. that would be importnant to me too

~Crzy

reni

This story got really interesting once Ryan met John Short in the park. From that point on, I was hooked and wanted to know more about what was happening. The beginning few paragraphs, however, were a bit slow and hard to get through. The descriptions were good, it was just that I wanted to get right into what was happening. Perhaps dispersing some of those descriptive parts within the latter part of the story would help keep the reader more interested from the get-go.

I liked the story and the ending, though. It's an interesting personal conflict for the narrator and an abrupt and hard-hitting conclusion.

LoneWolf

I have to agree with what everyone else said: I think the word 'enviornment' stuck out, and it was slightly slow paced in the beginning. But it was like, very nice descriptive slow paced...when you wanna know what happens next and you're antsy, but at the same time what you're reading is beautifully written and nice...if that made any sense at all...

I liked it though. It took a lot of twists and turns; I liked that. The ending was great, I wasn't really expecting that, but it made tons of sense. Kudos, nice work as usual!

L. Wolf

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Queasy Dillo

Thanks Reni and Lonewolf.

This story's got more attention than expected. Cool.

__________________
You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.