Dec. 7th: A short story. (Viewer discretion is advised) - Writers Forum

BIG RED · 10-21-2004, 06:52 PM

Here's my first entry at "Writing Forums.com" Enjoy!

[disc:a7ab673077]The following may contain graphic and disturbing battle scenes, and is not reccomended for the squemish.[/disc:a7ab673077]

DECEMBER 7TH
PART 1:

***

DECEMBER 7TH 1941: 7:50 in the morning.

The hot wind-like breeze of the Hawaiian Islands wafted its way throughout the passageways, decks, and berthing compartments of the Battleship USS Nevada, one of eight WWI era dreadnoughts moored along Pearl Harbor's "Battleship Row" like a string of pearls around a lady's neck. Sailors swabbed down the Nevada's 14-inch guns, and readied the massive 600 foot long battlewagon for another day at the idylic anchorage. A flock of seagulls arched highover the immobile battleships searching for a place to pearch. One of the seagulls let loose some droppings on the deck of Nevada's sistership USS Oklahoma. A seaman who had been Holystoning the decks cursed his brains out, turning the indigo-blue sky even bluer. Every morning about this time, the ships began their daily routine of raising their "colours" meaning the national flag that flew at the fantail.

Down in the bowels of the Nevada, Marine Corporal Doug Hartmann checked himself over making sure his uniform was neat, pressed and that he was presentable in order to attend his 8 to 11 watch this morning. He switched watches when his buddy Jim Carlyle came down with appendicitis. He was at Kaneohe Bay Naval Hospital undergoing surgery (The Nevada had run low on medical supplies, and was preparing to receive some temporary replacement supplies from the Hospital Ship Solace later on that day.)

Satisfied with his appearance Hartmann put on his "Cover", or Hat, grabbed his cartridge belt and M-1903 Springfield .30 caliber rifle, and chambered a clip of ammo into his .45 caliber M-1911 sidearm, and marched his way up to his station, the after gun turrets # 3 and #4. So far so good, Doug thought to himself as he huffed his way past the Marines mess area and up the ladder to topside. He was oblivous of the large formation of planes buzzing their way towards Battleship Row, and his ship. In a few moments, Cpl. Doug Hartmann's life would be turned upside down...

TO BE CONTINUED...[/img][/code]

BlackHoleEnvy · 10-21-2004, 07:06 PM

Are you fishing for an in depth critique, or...?

BIG RED · 10-22-2004, 02:04 PM

Yes in fact, a critique or opinion would be nice.

Rob · 10-22-2004, 02:20 PM

There's not much of a story here to critique yet, but still ...

Quote:

The hot wind-like breeze of the Hawaiian Islands wafted its way throughout the passageways, decks, and berthing compartments of the Battleship USS Nevada, one of eight WWI era dreadnoughts moored along Pearl Harbor's "Battleship Row" like a string of pearls around a lady's neck.

Feels like quite a long and busy first sentence to me. Plenty of options for cutting it or splitting it, if you wish to.

Quote:

One of the seagulls let loose some droppings on the deck of Nevada's sistership USS Oklahoma. A seaman who had been Holystoning the decks cursed his brains out, turning the indigo-blue sky even bluer.

This seemed out of place to me. Your opening para does a reasonable job of setting the scene for what comes in the next paragraphs, but this attempt at humour seems misplaced, not in keeping with the tone of the opening. Personally, I would cut it.

Quote:

He switched watches when his buddy Jim Carlyle came down with appendicitis.

You mean he switched watches with Jim?? Sounds unlikely. If the guy is having his appendix out someone else would have to cover his watch.

Quote:

(The Nevada had run low on medical supplies, and was preparing to receive some temporary replacement supplies from the Hospital Ship Solace later on that day.)

I would refrain from using parenthesis except in rare instances, generally on those days when unicorns collide with flying pigs. If the text is part of the story, just add it, without the parenthesis.

Quote:

Satisfied with his appearance Hartmann put on his "Cover", or Hat, grabbed his cartridge belt and M-1903 Springfield .30 caliber rifle, and chambered a clip of ammo into his .45 caliber M-1911 sidearm, and marched his way up to his station, the after gun turrets # 3 and #4.

This is another very busy sentence, with lots of details to parse. I would be tempted to trim or split this, for the benefit of the reader.

Other than that, it's not bad as far as it goes, but we'll know more when you've posted more.

Good luck,
Omni

BIG RED · 10-22-2004, 03:33 PM

Thanks for the tips Ominus. I'm new to this whole writing of short stories thing. I should've paid attention in English when I was in school. I'll try to refrain from making the same mistakes when I do Part 2 today. Not bad for a Newbie though.

BIG RED · 10-22-2004, 04:47 PM

PART 2

***

At 8:00am on the dot, the Stars and Stripes was hauled up the flagstaff on the Nevada's fantail. The ship's band then played the "Star Spangled Banner" to start off the day. Hartmann and several other marines had gathered on the quarterdeck to act as honor guard, and to keep an eye on proceedings. So far so good, Hartmann thought as himself and the others brought their rifles to the "order arms" position.

Suddenly their was mild vibration felt in the air. The cresendo of rousing music was mingled with hum of aircraft engines. Doug and a few of the others in the honor guard turned their heads slightly out to the water. a formation of aircraft was making a beeline towards the ships. Ah Jesus Christ not the navy again, Hartmann thought. The Navy always had a nasty habit of launching suprise practice bombing against the U.S. Fleet moored at Ford Island. "Can't those jackasses practice on another day," muttered PFC Stanley Martin as he gazed over the water at the approaching hoarde.

"Whadya expect," snapped PFC James Martindale "Its the Navy, they love to rob our sleep from day to day with their stupid practice runs." What do you think Doug?" snorted Cpl. Luke O'Neil.

Hartmann didn't answer. He was too transfixed on the long, slender shapes that were dropping from the five or six aircraft roaring their way towards the battleships. four of the torpedoes streaked their way towards the West Virginia and Oklahoma. When the torpedoes impacted into their steel hulls, Hartmann's ears were not met with a metallic *thunk* but with a ear shattering blast that crackled through the crisp, clear air.

A geyser of water, shattered and twisted armor plating, and fire towered over the masts of the two stricken battlewagons. Blast lifted the ships from the water and threw small numbers of men to the ground. Hartmann looked on-his face a bizzare mix of anger, terror, and bewilderment as men were thrown over the sides of the ships like rag dolls and hurled into the waters, or into the steel sides of their ships to die a horrible death.

"Holy shit its an attack!!!" O'Neil yelled out. One plane arched over the Nevada, its rear gunner letting loose a fusilade of machine gun fire that stitched itself across the teak decking, throwing slivers up into the air and sparks as the rounds splattered into the thick armoured faces of the gun turrets. Two saliors still standing at attention were cut down by the intense fire and slumped in pools of their own blood. Hartmann looked on as the plane pulled up over the Nevada's mainmast, revealing two bright red circles on the light grey wings of the plane.

"Its an attack!!! the F**king Japs are here!!!" Hartmann screamed out. The corporal and his detachment ran to their stations as the PA system blared out: "GENERAL QUARTERS...GENERAL QUARTERS... ALL HANDS MAN YOU BATTLESTATIONS!!! THIS IS NO SHIT...I REPEAT THIS IS NO DRILL!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

gohn67 · 10-22-2004, 04:56 PM

have you done any research on this? Since this is a historical event I think you need to do at least some research on it. I think hte fact that I'm questioning the facts while I read is deterring me from enjoying the story.

I bring up this because I'm don't think that the soldiers on board knew it was the Japenese.

Basically that one sentence made me think that most of what all the names of the ships are just fiction. And since this is about Pear Harbor, I think you need to make it a factual correct as possible.

gohn67 · 10-22-2004, 04:58 PM

I think your writing is good, but its seems a little hurried.
Try adding some dialogue, dialogue is a good way to lenghten a scene and show character traits and move the plot along. Also dialogue is farily easy to do.