Are you ready for this? - Writers Forum

Czerez · 10-21-2004, 02:17 AM

I was suddenly awake. What the hell, I thougt to myself...what time is it?
Glancing at the clock I realize it’s about 5:30am. I roll over with a groan but don’t get very far. The words “dads having a heart attack” float to the surface of the grogginess.

Upon looking at my doorway I see someone standing there, pale and talking at me. It’s my brother. That’s when his words hit me.
“Get up dads having a heart attack!!”

I’m up before I know how. Sleep is suddenly the last thing on my mind. I rush through the living room, past the TV, then into my parent’s room. First I see my mother. I notice she has tears, and is shaking almost uncontrollably. Then I see my father. He is lying unmoving on the other side of the bed.

I move to that side. “Call 911!” My words scare me at how calm they sound. I grab my father’s lifeless body and quickly try to remember CPR. I check for a pulse, then breathing. I grab my mother’s arm and tell her to breathe when I tell her to.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. “Pinch his nose and give two breaths!” Her slowness makes me mad. Wish she knew what she was doing. I pump again...One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I realize that I’m still calm. It’s strange because I’m thinking how I should be panicking. Two more breaths, but I’m trying to hold his head back. My mothers not listening. She keeps repeating how we should have taken him to the hospital last night. How he was just sitting up in bed when his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell over.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I am so frustrated at my mother’s incompetence, and mine. I’m angry my father was like this. She finally gives two reasonable breaths.

One, two…why was this happening? Three, four…how stupid this was! Five, six, seven…how I could be so calm?

Finally I snap, and storm toward the phone dialing 911 again. “Hello 911.”
“We just called…Where’s the ambulance?!” I give my information and emergency again, but I really just want her to give me the answer I want.
“We have one on the way it should be there in a moment.”

The phone goes dead. I don’t remember anyone telling me that they hang up. I move back into the room but someone’s at the front door. The Ambulance!

I rushed that way but the man had already moved inside. It was a Volunteer fire fighter; he was from the fire department down the road where I have scouts. He doesn’t recognize me when he moves past. He moves into the room and grabbed my father and moved him to the floor. He pulled out one of those plastic mouth covers and began CPR.
Now what was I supposed to do.

My mother was trying to tell him how he had complained of shoulder pains the evening before. He was trying to help but had no equipment.
Finally, what seemed like hours later, the ambulance arrived. The paramedics came into the house with their bags and began working. I had nothing to do so I paced. Time seemed to crawl along. Why weren’t they taking him to the hospital?

“I’ve got a pulse.” A voice spoke from the hallway. I was only slightly relieved. Finally they moved him out of the house, and toward the awaiting vehicle. It had to take them almost ten minutes before they got going again. My mom told me to call everyone and tell them what was going on. I took her phone number booklet and nodded.

Then she went with them and the ambulance pulled away with the siren wailing.

My grandparents show up a few minutes later, I don’t know who called them. I grabbed the phone and called my two aunts. My grandmother was asking questions and trying to comfort us all. I didn’t want to be comforted; I wanted to go to the hospital.

Then the phone rang in my hands. I picked it up and said hello. It was my mother.

My father was declared dead at 7:35 am, Monday September 10, 2001, at Memorial Hospital.

Chris · 10-21-2004, 04:11 AM

Czerez,

I like how you maintain tension throughout this piece. I like that there is movement in the narrative, and as a result it's easy to get hooked in and be able to read it until the end.

I don't think it's perfect however.

The major issue of this story is tense. You're primarily telling the story in present tense, but you occassionally dip into past tense, and not only is this frustrating (particularly for me because I have problems), but jarring and breaks you out of the moment. Here are some examples:

Quote:

I was suddenly awake. What the hell, I thougt to myself...what time is it?

Quote:

He moves into the room and grabbed my father and moved him to the floor.

Read that out loud. Does it sound right? It shouldn't.

Quote:

My grandparents show up a few minutes later, I don’t know who called them. I grabbed the phone and called my two aunts.

Upon reading it again, it seems the first half is present tense and the second half is past tense. You need to pick one tense and stick with it. Present tense suggests urgency, but past tense is more conventional. You need to decide which one works for you.

There are also a few odd sentences:

Quote:

I was suddenly awake.

Maybe "I wake suddenly," or "Suddenly I awoke."

Quote:

Upon looking at my doorway I see someone standing there, pale and talking at me.

Talking "at" me? Maybe talking to me works better.

Quote:

First I see my mother. I notice she has tears, and is shaking almost uncontrollably.

Why "almost uncontrollably"? Why not just "controllably"? "Almost uncontrollably" doesn't sound right, I can't imagine someone shivering almost uncontrollably.

Quote:

My words scare me at how calm they sound.

Perhaps "The calmness of my voice alarms me."

You know, I could do this for the entire night. I think you need to go through this story with a careful eye, try reading sentences out loud and see if they flow or sound comfortable.

As for story and characters:

I like the internal conflict of the protag being concerned at his apparent calmness. Maybe you could have taken that further.

I think you could express character a bit more. I don't want you to do anything expositionary or fly into a flashback, but maybe something like "I knock over my mum's voodoo doll of Mr. Flick and wince." I mean that reveals a lot about the mother doesn't it? Little stuff like that goes a long way.

I hope my advice helps.

Good luck with your writing.

- Chris

Czerez · 10-21-2004, 07:46 AM

Thanks for the critique. I do see some of your points. Others, well i actually intended some of the thinng i wrote.
one being no character development. Second, I dont think i could ever bring myself to add more detail. Why you ask??

It was Rome Memorial Hospital, its just over 5 miles from here. And the Volunteer was Rick Rundel. Yes this is my personal expirience. No i didn't want detail. I was looking for realism, and working the way i did gave me the impression of it being almost like a dream state. Which is how things appear in a situation like that.

Basically my try at writing my memories down. Thanks again.

Chris · 10-21-2004, 03:49 PM

My critique is just my critique. If you don't agree with my suggestions feel free to discard them.