The Dark Place - Writers Forum

eMBeR Chan · 10-18-2004, 07:08 PM

It's really short and simple..I hope you think it's sad that's what I was aiming for.. please review!!

Jake and Kate were boyfriend and girlfriend, Kate loved Jake very much and Jake loved Kate too. The love for each other burned with a passion that only two love struck teens could have, and they were happy. Jake knew Kate had her imperfections but he still loved her none the less and as far as he was concerned she was great. He loved her with all of his heart and soul but a dark cloud loomed over the young women’s head that unnerved him. He knew about her deep depression that she hid form the world behind a carefree smile and an optimistic attitude and he did his best to make her happy. Although he tried she would still have her dark moments of doubt and mistrust but he saw her through it and the dark cloud that Kate has seemed to shrink and their love grew.

Kate loved Jake and when ever she was sad she could count on Jake to get her out of the dark place. She hated the dark place, she always went there when she got home from school and she hated it. In her dark place faceless voices would mock and belittle her until she wept in her solitude sometimes for hours. Lately her visits to the dark place came less frequent and she seemed happy.

By the time their two year anniversary had come 16 year old Kate was happier than she had been for many years and she thanked 18 year old Jake for this because he was the light in her life and he kept her out of her dark place more than any other person ever had. This is what she told him and he believed her and took great pride in this, he had never seen Kate quite so happy, and he saw genuine unbridled joy in her eyes for the first time.

One fortnight after there two year anniversary Jake and Kate drove to a desolate field outside of town and they made love for the first time. Afterwards Jake held Kate in his arms for an hour or so before driving back home, and he was happy, seeing his beautiful Kate sleeping in his gentle grasp made him feel complete, he wanted to spend the rest of his days waking up to Kate in his arms. He dropped Kate off at her house told her goodnight and he loved her. Kate said she loved him too and she would see him tomorrow. Jake didn’t go strait home that night, he stopped at a Jewelry store and bought a diamond engagement ring that he had been saving up for, for many months and planned to propose to his dearest Kate after school Monday. And at thta moment, he was happy.

Later that night he heard a report on the news that a local highschool girl named Kate Bunnet had hung herself. And Jake felt a horrible pain in his stomach and left the room, and he raced to his beurow, and grabed the jewlry box holding the precious ring and clutched it to his aching heart as tears escaped down his face. Why..he whispered to no one. And he yelled to the celing WHAT DID I DO WRONG TO HURT YOU!?! but he got no answer. So he sunk to his knees and cried.

The next day at school Jake was comforted by his friends the whole day, and was constantly reminded of his dear departed Kate from peers he had never seen or talked to before giving him their sorrows and remourse, but he did not want to hear them. And when school was over he went to his locker to gather his belongings when he saw something he hadn’t seen before, a note taped to his locker in Kate’s hand writing that read:

Don’t be sad my love and don’t blame yourself, you were great last night, but even when I'm at my happiest, when I'm with you, the dark place still comes, and it will never leave me alone. Thank you for trying to save me.

I will love you always and forever,

Kate

eMBeR Chan · 10-18-2004, 09:53 PM

SOMEONE REVIEW RAWR <---(anger cause no one reviews for teh Kyra)

D4rk_3|f · 10-18-2004, 09:59 PM

Why does everyone here write morbid stories as ask with tears in my f*ck|ng eyes!!!!!!

think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. No I dont like it.

Sorry....*Runs*

pgoroncy · 10-19-2004, 02:10 AM

I liked it. Very sad.

sweet_thing · 10-19-2004, 03:47 AM

To be honest, I stopped after reading

Jake and Kate were boyfriend and girlfriend, Kate loved Jake very much and Jake loved Kate too. The love for each other burned with a passion that only two love struck teens could have, and they were happy.

This seems far too cliche, and I think you could easily find a much more sophisticated way of wording this. Or, even better yet, SHOW us that they love each other and are passionate in a bit of an introduction, and leave it up to the reader to come to this conclusion, instead of just spelling it out for us. That will make it more powerful and effective.

gohn67 · 10-19-2004, 04:09 AM

+'s - pretty good idea for the story

-'s - its alittle too short so your set up didnt work that well.
kind of obvious.

I think it was ok, I guess i don't like stories revovling around highschool and the main theme love. You should try expnading on the dark place. I dont know what that is. I ddint really feel she struggled all that much with the dark place. She kind of randomly kills herself for no reason. Try expanding on that it'll make it better. I think. Sorry if that was alittle harsh. If you rewrite I'll read again.

After rereading it over one more time I think it just reads like something I've read before. THe stlye of how you wrote it reads really clique like. Especiallly the first paragraph.

If you want to bash my writing go read my my war story.