Spaztikfingers

It was just a little bit of blood.

He looked at the crimson on his hand. As he turned it over, he watched a drop form and try to make it's way to the edge where it could free itself and join the others gathering on the ground. He kept rotatating his hand back and forth slow, to watch and to stop the inevitable. And it happened. In rotating his hand back to see his palm, that red pearl, loosened its chains and fell to the others.
It was useless and he was wrong. He couldn't prevent the escape and it wasn't just a little bit of blood.
He put his hand back to the hole in his chest. Holes were supposed to be empty and cold but this wasn't. It was warm. It was full but it was becoming empty. He couldn't stop it. He was losing. He didn't know what he was supposed to do so he just kept looking at his hand over the bleeding hole in his chest.
This is bigger than the pain.
It was the first time he actually thought about how badly his chest hurt. But he didn't care. It didn't matter that the pain kept him from unclenching his teeth. It didn't matter that splintered ribs tore at his skin trying to bore their way out. There was only one thing to care about and it was the spill flowing from him.
His hand was now a weight on his chest, too heavy to be his own. With strength blown away in breeze, his hand unburdened him and slid down to his waist. He watched it slide; it wasn't his anymore. Eyelids heavy and sounds evaporating, he gazed back at his own seeping blood and followed it out

__________________
...ideas only cease when the fear of acknowledging them grows to strong
...oh, and when I miss dinner

Hakeem

Hey Spaztikfingers, your story is good (a little bit too short), still I liked your writing and the Idea is magnificent, good work.

__________________
"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

Rob

I didn't think there was a story here, just part of a scene. We're given no reason to care about the guy with the hole in his chest, so it's just a description. As it is, there's not much here, and what there is doesn't spark much interest. Perhaps you could expand it and repost.

Consider also, a hole in the chest, with the damage you describe, would probably give the guy huge difficulty breathing, too.

Good luck,

Omni

DawnMorningStar

I enjoyed the descriptions here--very vivid and realistic. And your writing style flowed very well. Is there more to this story? I'd like to learn more about this guy and why he was shot, etc.

Spaztikfingers

Hakeem, Omni and Dawn... thanks for the feedback. I'm looking for any and all I can get.
Yes, it was just a scene at the moment. Didn't have time to go further. Omni, you are right in saying there was no reason to care, you know nothing about him. But that is what I wanted. I wanted to know if I could draw the reader in simply from a sympathetic view. It works, but like you say it's not enough since you all agree there needs to be more.

Haha, I love this: These forums rock.
Thanks again

__________________
...ideas only cease when the fear of acknowledging them grows to strong
...oh, and when I miss dinner

Rob

I would have to disagree with you when you say 'it works'. As a reader, I have no reason to sympathise with the character, as I know nothing about him. It doesn't draw me in. It's just a description, and invokes no feeling in me as a reader, hence the need to add more.

Hope that helps.

Omni

Spaztikfingers

Omni, you reiterated what I wrote last. I did say that because one did not know about him, one did not care or 'learn' to care for him. The hook of the scene was he was dying. It's like driving by a car accident. You know nothing of the people involved (or you hope you don't) but you still want to know what's going on. I wanted to know how much one would be willing to follow. And I got it, the hook was really the worm.
Maybe this wasn't the proper forum for this scene but I did (and do) appreciate any criticism.
Thanks

__________________
...ideas only cease when the fear of acknowledging them grows to strong
...oh, and when I miss dinner

feedodeedo

I must say... a very wonderful piece of writing... Concise but still meaningful... and Spaztikfingers i agree with others... may be u can a little more to it...

anywayz... well written....

feedodeedo....

__________________
some peeple see things as they are and say why, i dream things that never were and say why not !!

gohn67

You did a very good job desrcibing the man's pain. I wish i could describe something in as great detail as you. I feel it is very difficult to write that much detail about just a small incident.

My only critisim is you start alot of your sentences with "It". But thats it.

Spaztikfingers

Gohn, thanks for the reply and support. Awesome point on my use of 'it'. A few times were intentional but the rest got to be a bit excessive. Had completely missed that. Thanks again!

__________________
...ideas only cease when the fear of acknowledging them grows to strong
...oh, and when I miss dinner