Jamie

Lachley’s Unforgettable Indian Summer

Lachley Simmons whistled to herself as she skipped towarded the Swan Lake, occasionally doing a twirl around the beautiful pinetrees. The pine cones snapped rythmically beneath her tennis sneakers. She stopped a few yards away from the forest opening to make sure she looked presentable. She ran her long, slim fingers through her thick, wavy brown hair that almost reached all the way to her waist. She smoothed out her white camisole and knee-length blue denim skirt. She unzipped her black velvet pursue and applied more glossy red lipstick to her full lips.
“ Lachley?” a male voice that was like music to her ears called out as she reached the grassy banks of the small lake. Dozens of graceful, white swans were gliding across the green water with golden tints from the bright sun up overhead.
It was a warm, late October afternoon with calm breezes. A perfect day for a picnic, Lachley thought, shading her eyes to look up at the clear blue sky with big, fluffy cotton-ball clouds, with pink shadows. It was just perfect to spend some time with the man Lachley loved with all of her nineteen- year-old heart.
Ben Parrkins, tall and graceful as a panther walked over to Lachley, picked her up and swung her around. His dirty blond hair was still wet from a early shower and his kind eyes were shoning with love and adoration. “ I missed you.”
“ I missed you too. Did you have fun in Paris?”
“ No…not without you.”
Lachley smiled coyly. “ Oh yeah? You are not just buttering me up, are you?”
“ Never.” Ben grinned back and took her hand. “ Come on. I have the food all set up. Let’s hope the swans don’t come and steal it all.”
Lachley took a seat on the red and white checkered cloth and picked up a batch of grapes. Ben lay down next to her, his arms crossed to support his head. Lachley lay a grape against his perfect lips. “ Open your mouth.”
Ben grinned, but obeyed. “ Thanks, my love.”
“ I love it when you call me that.”
“ Oh yeah? My love, my love, my love.” Ben pulled Lachley down so she lay besides him. Lachley turned her head to look into his azure eyes. He was amazing…perfect in every way imaginable.
If only if he wasn’t a Parrkin. Lachley immediately scolded herself. Why had she let that entered her mind? Now, the whole day was ruined. Stupid. Lachley closed her eyes for a moment, to hid the tears that threatened to spill.
“ Lachley,” Ben whispered softly…his voice was like the sound of the ocean, sweet, achingly fulfilling and just wonderful to Lachley’s ears.
“ Yes?” Lachley opened her eyes. Ben pulled out an small, dark purple velvet box from the pockets of his pants. He sat up with a nervous grin.
Lachley raised herself into a sitting position too, slowly, desperately praying that it was a necklace or a pair of earrings inside that box. Please don’t let it be… Ben took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. “ Lachley, since the first day we met, I knew you were the one for me.”
Lachley blinked back the tears that scorched and blurred her eyes, making it hard to see passed her trembling hands. “ Ben…”
“ Lachley Sims, would you marry me?”
Lachley rose up to her feet so quickly, she almost lost her balance.
“ Lachley?” Ben rose too, uncertaintly. A puzzled look in his eyes. “What…”
“ I can’t.”
“ You can’t?” Ben inquired quietly. “ I thought that you love me.”
“ I do,” Lachley whispered desperately. The tears now freely glided down her cheeks, leaving a burning sensation at their wake. “ I do. I can’t imagine loving anyone else more than I love you.”
“ Then why…” Ben touched Lachley’s arms with his hands. His warmth brought comfort and soothed away the coldness that was filling her up inside.
“ I can’t marry you, Ben.” Lachley turned around without waiting for his reply, and ran through the forest with Ben calling after her. The once beautiful pine trees might as well be scawny, burnt branches for all Lachley cared. The sky no longer brought her joy…no longer filled her with warmth. How could a day start out so wonderful and end so horribly?
She couldn’t tell Ben her secret. Then he would definitely leave her for sure. This way, Ben would still love her. Ben wouldn’t hate her if he didn’t know the truth. Lachley ran all the way to her house. All the while, she was cursing her family. Why was she born a Simmons? Why was he born a Parrkin? Why do the two families have to be rivals with each other? Why did Ben’s father die because of Lachley’s father? Why did Lachley’s mother die because of Ben’s mother? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? Why does it have to be Lachley and Ben?
Lachley climbed the stairs to the roof of her four story white brick house. No longer did she step foot onto the cement floor did the rain started pouring down on her. Overhead, thunder rumbled, lightning cracked and striked across the deep, dark purple sky with furious storm clouds.What happened to the sun and the clear sky? When did the rain clouds came in? Lachley sat at a corner and cried with the raging storm. She let the rain dripped down her face, let it wet her hair that she had so carefully fixed to perfection just a few hours earlier, and let the rain wet her expensive clothes. Life was not worth living without Ben. There was no happiness without Ben.
“ Lachley?”
Lachley stood up from her corner, shivering from the cold, as she limpd towarded the metal stairway. “ Ben? What are you doing here?”
“ You live here?” Ben demanded, stepping out into the storm.
Lachley stepped closer to hear him, but immediately regretted it. His face was distorted with anger, frustration and disbelief. “ You lied to me,” Ben said quietly. “ I can’t believe that you…”
“ I am sorry. Forgive me. Please. I love you.”
Ben turned away with disgust. Lachley grabbed his arm. “ Ben. You love me too. I know you do.”
“ I love Lachley Sims. I don’t know who you are.” Ben brushed off her hand like she was a stranger. Someone he hadn’t confessed his dreams to. Someone he didn’t share his thoughts with. Someone he didn’t love. Someone he didn’t propose to.
Lachley felt her heart literally brroke into a million pieces, shattering with the violent winds. Ben was gone. She had lost Ben. She had lost the only person in the world who meant anything to her. She felt like she had lost half of her. She was now just a shadow…just a shadow of who Lachley Simmons used to be. This was one Indian Summer she would never forget, no matter how hard she try.

Rayhi

I looked as you asked.

I didn't bother to read a single word.

Please go back and EDIT your post so that it's not one-big-humungous-over-whelming paragraph.

Put spaces between the paragraphs just as you would see in a book. Make it readable.

This sometimes happens when you 'cut and paste' the story from a word processor into the form provided here. But you can use the PREVIEW button to check how it looks before actually posting. If it doesn't look right, then you can make adjustments on the same screen (scroll down).

From what I saw, there is lots of 'talking' going on and I like that in a story but the way you posted the story turns off many, if not all, readers.


(edited to correct a spelling mistake.)

bobothegoat

*I did the spacing for you. It takes some time, but it will help make people much more willing to read it*

Lachley Simmons whistled to herself as she skipped towarded the Swan Lake, occasionally doing a twirl around the beautiful pinetrees. The pine cones snapped rythmically beneath her tennis sneakers. She stopped a few yards away from the forest opening to make sure she looked presentable. She ran her long, slim fingers through her thick, wavy brown hair that almost reached all the way to her waist. She smoothed out her white camisole and knee-length blue denim skirt. She unzipped her black velvet pursue and applied more glossy red lipstick to her full lips.

“ Lachley?” a male voice that was like music to her ears called out as she reached the grassy banks of the small lake. Dozens of graceful, white swans were gliding across the green water with golden tints from the bright sun up overhead.

It was a warm, late October afternoon with calm breezes. A perfect day for a picnic, Lachley thought, shading her eyes to look up at the clear blue sky with big, fluffy cotton-ball clouds, with pink shadows. It was just perfect to spend some time with the man Lachley loved with all of her nineteen- year-old heart.

Ben Parrkins, tall and graceful as a panther walked over to Lachley, picked her up and swung her around. His dirty blond hair was still wet from a early shower and his kind eyes were shoning with love and adoration. “ I missed you.”

“ I missed you too. Did you have fun in Paris?”

“ No…not without you.”

Lachley smiled coyly. “ Oh yeah? You are not just buttering me up, are you?”

“ Never.” Ben grinned back and took her hand. “ Come on. I have the food all set up. Let’s hope the swans don’t come and steal it all.”

Lachley took a seat on the red and white checkered cloth and picked up a batch of grapes. Ben lay down next to her, his arms crossed to support his head. Lachley lay a grape against his perfect lips. “ Open your mouth.”

Ben grinned, but obeyed. “ Thanks, my love.”

“ I love it when you call me that.”

“ Oh yeah? My love, my love, my love.” Ben pulled Lachley down so she lay besides him. Lachley turned her head to look into his azure eyes. He was amazing…perfect in every way imaginable.
If only if he wasn’t a Parrkin. Lachley immediately scolded herself. Why had she let that entered her mind? Now, the whole day was ruined. Stupid. Lachley closed her eyes for a moment, to hid the tears that threatened to spill.

“ Lachley,” Ben whispered softly…his voice was like the sound of the ocean, sweet, achingly fulfilling and just wonderful to Lachley’s ears.
“ Yes?” Lachley opened her eyes. Ben pulled out an small, dark purple velvet box from the pockets of his pants. He sat up with a nervous grin.

Lachley raised herself into a sitting position too, slowly, desperately praying that it was a necklace or a pair of earrings inside that box. Please don’t let it be… Ben took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. “ Lachley, since the first day we met, I knew you were the one for me.”

Lachley blinked back the tears that scorched and blurred her eyes, making it hard to see passed her trembling hands. “ Ben…”

“ Lachley Sims, would you marry me?”

Lachley rose up to her feet so quickly, she almost lost her balance.

“ Lachley?” Ben rose too, uncertaintly. A puzzled look in his eyes. “What…”

“ I can’t.”

“ You can’t?” Ben inquired quietly. “ I thought that you love me.”

“ I do,” Lachley whispered desperately. The tears now freely glided down her cheeks, leaving a burning sensation at their wake. “ I do. I can’t imagine loving anyone else more than I love you.”

“ Then why…” Ben touched Lachley’s arms with his hands. His warmth brought comfort and soothed away the coldness that was filling her up inside.

“ I can’t marry you, Ben.” Lachley turned around without waiting for his reply, and ran through the forest with Ben calling after her. The once beautiful pine trees might as well be scawny, burnt branches for all Lachley cared. The sky no longer brought her joy…no longer filled her with warmth. How could a day start out so wonderful and end so horribly?

She couldn’t tell Ben her secret. Then he would definitely leave her for sure. This way, Ben would still love her. Ben wouldn’t hate her if he didn’t know the truth. Lachley ran all the way to her house. All the while, she was cursing her family. Why was she born a Simmons? Why was he born a Parrkin? Why do the two families have to be rivals with each other? Why did Ben’s father die because of Lachley’s father? Why did Lachley’s mother die because of Ben’s mother? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? Why does it have to be Lachley and Ben?

Lachley climbed the stairs to the roof of her four story white brick house. No longer did she step foot onto the cement floor did the rain started pouring down on her. Overhead, thunder rumbled, lightning cracked and striked across the deep, dark purple sky with furious storm clouds.What happened to the sun and the clear sky? When did the rain clouds came in? Lachley sat at a corner and cried with the raging storm. She let the rain dripped down her face, let it wet her hair that she had so carefully fixed to perfection just a few hours earlier, and let the rain wet her expensive clothes. Life was not worth living without Ben. There was no happiness without Ben.

“ Lachley?”

Lachley stood up from her corner, shivering from the cold, as she limpd towarded the metal stairway. “ Ben? What are you doing here?”

“ You live here?” Ben demanded, stepping out into the storm.

Lachley stepped closer to hear him, but immediately regretted it. His face was distorted with anger, frustration and disbelief. “ You lied to me,” Ben said quietly. “ I can’t believe that you…”

“ I am sorry. Forgive me. Please. I love you.”

Ben turned away with disgust. Lachley grabbed his arm. “ Ben. You love me too. I know you do.”

“ I love Lachley Sims. I don’t know who you are.” Ben brushed off her hand like she was a stranger. Someone he hadn’t confessed his dreams to. Someone he didn’t share his thoughts with. Someone he didn’t love. Someone he didn’t propose to.

Lachley felt her heart literally brroke into a million pieces, shattering with the violent winds. Ben was gone. She had lost Ben. She had lost the only person in the world who meant anything to her. She felt like she had lost half of her. She was now just a shadow…just a shadow of who Lachley Simmons used to be. This was one Indian Summer she would never forget, no matter how hard she try.

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Bobo the Goat

Jamie

I feel very embrassed, sorry all, I was in such a hurry, I didn't realize!

bobothegoat

Hey, don't worry. We were all newbies at one point or another.

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Bobo the Goat

daniela

[ot:a87da1c880]Kudos to bobothegoat for saving the day! [/ot:a87da1c880]

Jamie, you do not have to be embarrassed. Everyone makes mistakes at some point. As for your story, it was interesting but there were many grammatical and spelling errors. In addition, in one or to places you are just too wordy for my tastes. Below I have pointed out an example of a sentence fragment and an instance where you could have cut out a few words and not lost the meaning. I am sorry that I do not have time to do more, but if you pick up a good grammar book, you should be able to find the rest of your mistakes on your own.

If you remove the bit in red, this sentence will no longer be a fragment. I suspect, though, that you would rather find a way to keep it as close to the original as possible. A simple rewording would suffice then.

"A perfect day for a picnic, Lachely thought, as she shaded her eyes and looked up at the clear blue sky that was dotted here and there with fluffy, cotton-ball clouds shadowed in pink."

This is not a very good example, but if you play around with the words a little, I think that you can come up with something that you will like.

It may seem a little ridiculous, but this short sentence has more words than it needs. I have been guilty of this in the past too. Never use an excessive amount of words to convey your ideas. Another thing wrong with this is you should not have used the singular form of the word "try".

"She would never forger this one Indian summer, no matter how hard she tries."

The subtraction of one word makes a big difference, but I would push it even further and do another, more drastic rewrite as this sentence may have some tense issues.

"Despite all effort to forget, this one Indian summer was etched in her mind forever."

My second attempt is not perfect either, but I think you can see where I am going with this. It has fifteen words like your original, but every single one is necessary and cannot be deleted without the sentence losing some of its meaning. When you do your own revisions, I am sure that you will be able to write this better than I did.

Thank you for the entertaining read. I do hope that you will go through your story line by line and see what you can do to improve it. You will learn a lot and your next piece of writing will better for it. Keep writing!

--DM--

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain