feushin

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This piece was written mid-2002 for a Creative Writing assessment at school; it received the grade of Excellence (the highest possible). However, I'm interested to think what others apart from my Year 11 English teacher think of it. Thank you to all who read and offer reviews; it is all much appreciated.

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"Illusions" - A psychological thriller

From the first time I saw her, I was bewitched. I had never seen anyone like her before. She held me entirely in her control and I was too weak to break free.

Not that I really wanted to.

She amazed and delighted me, made my life worth living. She was the only thing that I looked forward to; I was always sorry when the morning came and I had to rush off to work.

She visited me every night and all her visits were a joy; and when the tones of my alarm clock would sound, I'd grab for her, but never fast enough. She always managed to slip away into the darkness, and I was always left alone in the world of light. But when the sun had faded from the sky and the moon took over, she was there; there in my mind, my heart, my soul.

I remember the first time I saw her. She had her back to me, her dark chestnut hair flowing in cascades down her back. And then, she turned and saw me. The blueness of her eyes startled me. It was a clear jewel-like colour and I stood mesmerised.

Her lips held no smile and no grimace; her forehead was smooth, her skin unblemished; she stood like a pole, tall and straight. Her arms were limp by her sides, and she spoke not a word, but her eyes were communicating. I could feel them boring into my own, as if trying to see behind them and into my mind.

Nothing around us moved, not a sound was made. It seemed like that moment had lasted a year, as if it could go on forever. But it ended. She turned to go and I found myself running after her, pleading.

"No!" I cried. "Please don't go!"

But she slipped away, just like she would the next night and the next. I could never catch her and she tormented me me with her eyes.

I was infatuated. She drove me mad, filled me with foolish thoughts and unreasonable longings. I envisioned her everywhere I went, becoming wild and unruly. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. She became my worst obsession, an angel from hell.

I always chased after her, but I always failed. This made me angry, so I turned to the tempting crystal decanter for aid. It had always promised me an escape route, and, as always, I took it. The liquor sustained me and gave me hope, because when I drank it, I was always on the verge of touching her skin when I chased her every night. And one night, I saw her reflection in my glass.

She was lounging against a wall, her lips curved into a mocking smile. Her eyes twinkled and seemed to say, "You can't catch me no matter how hard you try!"

I stood up and shouted, "I can and I will!"

I poured myself another glass of alcohol and drank it in one gulp.

When I turned back to her, she was no longer smiling and her eyes were no longer twinkling. I noticed her skin was now tinged grey and her hair was a charcoal black. Her lips were curled back in a snarl, revealing ugly yellow fangs. When I looked in her eyes, there was no sparkling blueness to greet me. They were now dark and frightening, full of hate and malice. Her fingers were long and gnarled, her nails bloody and dirty. Her body was rigid, and her clothes were old and torn. She wasn't even remotely beautiful now. This was not the same person I loved.

"Demon," I whispered.

"I am what you are," she growled, and her eyes travelled to the crystal decanter, which was now empty, and slowly back to me.

"I don't understand you and I don't want to. Get away from me! Go back to your hell, evil spirit!" I cried.

"You wanted me; now you've got me. I told you, I am what you are," she said, and again she looked at the decanter and back to me. She grinned. "Would it make any difference if I told you that you are what I am?"

I shook my head and reached for the empty decanter. I wanted this monster to disappear and I knew the liquor would help, but when I found that it was empty I was surprised and enraged.

The demon laughed - a low growling sound that made my flesh crawl. "You won't find any help there. It's all gone, too. All made you into me," she said.

But I was only partly listening. I couldn't believe that I had drunk so much. But had I? I couldn't remember drinking all of it. This had to be a joke. But who made it?

My eyes caught sight of the mirror hanging opposite the demon. I moved so I could see myself in it and what I saw made me gasp.

A gaunt pale sickly face stared back at me, from the place where a round handsome one should have been. I touched my cheek and so did the person in the mirror. My fingers met cold flabby flesh and hard bone, which, a few months ago, could not have been mine.

The demon laughed again. "Found out, have you?" she said, in her low rasping voice. "Took you long enough. Do you like what you see? That's how you were helped."

I turned to stare at her, but she was gone. I looked all around the room, but she wasn't anywhere. My eyes rested on the empty crystal decanter, which was still tempting me with a promise of escape, even though it was devoid of contents; but I knew that there was more in the glass cabinet in the next room.

I heard the demon's laugh in my ear and turned around - there was no one. I saw her face laughing at me in the mirror and turned again. Still there was no one. Her laughter filled the room, my ears, my head. I grabbed the crystal decanter and hugged it close to me, staring wildly around the room.

I saw her reflection in the mirror again, turned around and threw the decanter to where she had been standing. I cried out as the crystal crashed against the wall and shards of it went flying everywhere. The laughter stopped and there was only me, on my knees, sobbing and shuddering convulsively.

I fell asleep on the floor that night and nothing bothered me. The blue-eyed beauty didn't visit me and neither did the demon. I was safe.

I didn't see either of them ever again. I poured out all the liquor in the house, vowing never to drink again. I kept that vow for the rest of my life, though I was tempted to break it many times; self-discipline prevailed.

I became a psychiatrist and married a redhead with green eyes.

Leapord

Hm, I can see why an 11th grade English teacher would give this an "Excellent." It is a very intriguing story, and well written (especially for a high-school student). Still, there is always room for improvement. Here are some pointers on sentence structure and such.

The work 'communicating' feels a little awkward here. I think avoiding passive voice here would help as well. So try something like "she spoke not a word, but her eyes spoke volumes."

Should be "I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't think."

Somehow the wording here seems a bit awkward. I believe splitting the first sentence into two would help, along with tweaking the second half of it (again, removing passive voice - note: I don't go hunting for passive voice to fix, I just go hunting for spots where it sounds odd. While doing this, I tend to keep finding sections using passive voice). "The liquor sustained me and gave me hope. When I drank it, I could nearly touch her in my nightly chase." For the last sentence there, it is generally better to avoid beginning a sentence with "and" or "but." So simply remove it, and try "One night, I saw her reflection in my glass." It also may be a good idea to move that sentence to the beginning of the next paragraph. So that whole section would end up something like this:Note that I also played around with the first couple of sentences some as well. I removed "tempting" from the first sentence, and I restructured the second to avoid overusing the word "always," and to make it flow a bit better. Personally, I don't feel that this is quite right either, as I do not like the term "chase" at the end there. I can't come up with a replacement for either at the moment, but I hope you can see my point.

First, a grammar point. "A gaunt pale sickly face" should be "A gaunt, pale, and sickly face." Second, it's generally a good idea to avoid using too many adjectives and adverbs. Perhaps "A gaunt and sickly face stared back at me from where a round handsome one should have been." I would also remove " the place," since it's a phrase that does nothing besides lengthen the sentence.

I don't think this should be the last sentence. It should probably be removed or embellished a bit. I'd lean towards embellishing, since ending at that last paragraph seems too abrupt.

All in all, it was a good story with a good concept (although the moral was rather obvious). I hope to see some more of your writing

__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.
People would sooner die than think. In fact, most of them do. -- George Bernard Shaw
Leapord is my name, leopard is the animal.

Nobles

I belive this may be parataxis, er, I think it the term is parataxis, there are so many taxisis. I think that in this situation the lack of "and" is appropriate because it hints at a certain mind set.

Also here, while what you say about the use of too many adjectives rings true, if you removed the pale you might not have the same affect. How about, "A gaunt, sickly pale face"?

You wrote a great response Leapord, and I hope my own will be half as good, but I just had to argue a few points.

__________________
"Teaism is a cult founded on the adoration of the beautiful among the sordid facts of everyday existence." - Okakura Kakuzo
(Oh Tea, how I love you)

Nobles

And now your turn Feushin. I think that the story is well written, you were pretty successful about getting inside the characters head, which in a piece such as you were doing is important. I found, however, that the read itself was a tad bit bumpy.

First off, I do not know if this was intentional or not, but you have very little background. When reading the story, this threw me off once or twice: imagine a room with white walls, a white floor, and a white roof (just saying white). Now imagine a man is standing in this room, drinking from a crystal decanter, and there is a mirror on the wall. I find that a hard image to cope with; so much is lacking, light, furniture (he gets drunk standing?), etc..

Secondly the writting style seemed like it could have been better phrased in parts (the previous poster covered that well). One spot I noticed was:
I belive this could be better written, but style is in the hands of the author, so I will write an example of what you could do with it and let you ponder.

"I remember the first time I saw her. Her back was to me, covered in her cascading, dark-chestnut colored hair. She turned, blue eyes absorbing me. Her eyes were so blue, a clear jewel-like blue which mesmerised me."

After reading them both a couple times, I'm not sure that mine is any better, but i'll leave it to give you a different perspective on how you could write it.

Basically I think you had a great concept, well thought out, and well written, but a little rough around the edges writing-wise. I look forward to seeing if you do anything different to it.

__________________
"Teaism is a cult founded on the adoration of the beautiful among the sordid facts of everyday existence." - Okakura Kakuzo
(Oh Tea, how I love you)