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Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 09-21-2004, 07:05 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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NoWorries
A beginning of a new story

I've been swamped for the past two months, a complete tour of Britain, a Jet Engine Class, being promoted at work to a position I wasn't really ready for...and now a class on general aircraft airframes.....

I had to write something, it's the first time I've touched the keyboard besides to click out a quick official e-mail and type in a few URL's...this kinda flowed out tonight, it's midnight and I've got to go to sleep but I'd love to finish it...I'm not really sure where it's going, I was hoping a real conflict would arrise with Robin..maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Whatcha think?

Expatriate (A Title in Work)
A Short Story Beginning
By Canyon Shearer
22 September 2004

A Corneal fold? What was that? What it was didn’t really matter, what mattered was that Robin, an otherwise attractive girl, had an eye patch.

Everyone that knew her, knew it wouldn’t slow down the ambitious twenty-three year old one bit, but a few things had been getting to her. Over the last four days, in the office, on the underground, and at the club she had gone to on Saturday night, she had heard a lifetime of “That’s a right fine booty.”, “You can shiver my timbers.”, “Prepare to be boarded.” And other pirate based obscenities. What’s worse, they were all in the bastardized version of English spoken by those who reside on the Thames.

Sandra, the girl in the office next door had marked the four week mark on a calendar of Scotland and pinned it to Robin’s bulletin board to try to make her feel better. With a thick red marker, Robin marked day four off as she walked into work on Tuesday morning, despite the fact that day four was only beginning.

“Good morning, Robin.” smiled Sandra as she peeked her head through the door. Her soft Aberdeen accent said that she was a long ways from home.

“Good morning Sandra, how are you?” Robin smiled back, though not quite so cheerfully. Sandra was always cheery, which helped Robin’s spirits, since the view out of her fifteenth floor window was usually drab.
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Old 09-21-2004, 08:17 PM   #2
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I like it. I specifically like the pirate-based come ons. thats great. For a beginning its definitely interesting. the word "Corneal" doesnt really show up in many first sentences so it pulled me in.

I'd like to see more when you get the chance to jot more down.
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Old 09-25-2004, 04:00 PM   #3
Rob
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I think for me it shows that you don't know in your own mind where this is going. At the moment it's a group of barely related paragraphs with no real sense of direction for the reader. No doubt it will make more sense when you've had a chance to expand it and revise it, and introduce the conflict that you're aiming for, but at the moment I don't think there's enough here to really assess.

Look forward to seeing the next version when you've had time to extend it.

Omni
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