Pawn

Author's Note:

Not so much a short story as a pleasant morsel. Enjoy.

I crossed my legs and took a number of contemplative puffs on my cigarette. My companion and I enjoyed the habitual silence of those well used to each other. In all, the evening was impeccable; the fire exuded pleasant warmth, and a cosy light supplemented by the nearby oil lamps. Smoke swirled in entrancing eddies, thickening the air to an amiable haze. The soundtrack was an instrumental in alternative percussion – the gentle crackle of the fire, our steady breathing and the comforting rasp of fingertips on pages. My companion readjusted his gaze, took a healthy puff on his pipe, carefully placed his newspaper aside and looked up.
He cleared his throat and, glancing t’ward the long stopped clock in the corner, asked,
“Quelle heure et il?”
“I’d say around a quarter passed nine,” I replied, laboriously taking out my pocket watch for conformation.
My companion gestured towards the bell on the mantelpiece and began tapping out his pipe.
“We’d best be away then.”
I rang the bell, and shortly after the Butler appeared from some unseen local.
“Butler, we’ll be going out for a short while, see that there’s Stilton and Madera ready for our return, and some of those crispy morsels I’m fond of.”
“Would that be this ‘Popcorn’ of yours sir?”
“Quite. Good evening, Butler.”
And with that, we left Lev’s residence, slipped into his black Morgan and, accompanied by Queen’s Greatest Hits Volume Two, went to work.

Clive Euan was a telesales executive. He, unlike almost all of his companions, took great pleasure from his work. To him, the business of marketing double glazing was something of a religion – a matter of sanctity and faith. Half passed nine in the morning found him firmly entrenched in his desk, with no less than four telephones operating in one capacity or another at any given time. On his lap balanced an enormous folder, in which resided the number of every ‘potential client’ in the area – an area which, given the low success rate of double glazing telesales, was expanding constantly to facilitate Clive’s fanatical zeal. Juggling telephones and paperwork and endeavouring to hide his adrenaline induced erection beneath his colossal red folder, Clive barely noticed Lev and Anton enter the room. Even the site of Lev’s billowing black cloak cascading outward to reveal his bespoke, silver embroidered waistcoat failed to attract his attention. It was only the site of Lev unsheathing his rapier with a contemptuous grin that finally provoked a response. Whatever response this was we will sadly never know, as it was only just leaving Clive’s brain when it become unexpectedly separated from the rest of his body.

Personally speaking, killing had become only a mediocre pleasure. Whilst you can indeed have too much of a good thing, it was still with a certain satisfaction that I drew and aimed my masterfully crafted 18th century pistols. Executing hapless telesales execs was both tedious and highly satisfying. Pistols spent, I glanced over to Lev, who was lazily disembowelling a freckled women with conditioned ginger hair. Lighting a cigarette, I drew my rapier.

On the way home, we stopped at no less than three motorway service stations. After some two hundred years of eating nothing but the finest in French cuisine, Lev had recently developed a wild penchant for fast food. Whether it was a Wopper, McChicken Royal or KFC Kids Meal, Lev devoured it with unbridled relish. Personally, I limited myself to a small portion of fries and a Mars bar. In the car, ‘Killer Queen’ was making full use of Lev’s more than adequate in-car hi-fi. Dusting breadcrumbs from his waistcoat and gesturing for me to turn down the music, Lev broke our not unusual hours silence,
“I think we’re doing well you know. What was that, the third place this week?”
“The fourth, I believe,” I replied.
“Good show, good show. All those decades of degradation, and I finally feel like I’m doing something with my life.”
“Indeed, it does feel rather good to finally give in to ones social conscience. Immortality does have its responsibilities, I suppose.”

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Carpe Noctem
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daniela

Nice work Pawn. I think I spotted a few spelling errors, but the story as a whole was so good that unless someone is looking for the mistakes, I do not think anyone will notice them. The story flowed well and was very enjoyable to read. Thank you for posting this "pleasant morsel."

--DM--

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

Spaztikfingers

Pawn,
a great read and a good laugh. Short and sweet, exactly what I needed to end my day. My only suggestion is that you make your characters available for hire!
cheers!

petrel}

Hey Pawn, I guess your characters would not be singing along with Bohemian Rhapsody?
I love the misleading way the story started out. Quite amusing.

__________________
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

P. G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money

Verago

I like your pleasant morsel. Kinda cool. If you took the idea further, you could probably write a very interesting book on it...then it could become a very interesting movie.

Pawn

Aye petrel}, I doubt it.

Many thanks for the charming feedback @ daniela and Spaztikfingers.

Thanks Verago - I'd love to extend this at some time, and I can definitely see this on screen. You never know, film student as I am, you could be watching this at your local cinema in ten years.

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Carpe Noctem
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Tori

Entertaining and vivid in description. I read on absolutely confused and continually amused by the words. My favorite lines:

Oh how I loved reading that!

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http://www.greendodo.com/sense

Leapord

Computer trouble, incomplete post. In the immortal word of Strong Bad: DELETED!!!

__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.
People would sooner die than think. In fact, most of them do. -- George Bernard Shaw
Leapord is my name, leopard is the animal.

Leapord

I agree with Tori's favorite lines. I was chuckling for quite a while after reading that portion. Superb morsel, Pawn.

The only part I think could use some improvement is Somehow the wording didn't work quite as well there as in the rest of the story.

__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.
People would sooner die than think. In fact, most of them do. -- George Bernard Shaw
Leapord is my name, leopard is the animal.

Pawn

Thanks Tori! Agreed on that line Leapord - felt straight out of a Douglas Adams book.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
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Verago

: )

DawnMorningStar

This was a fun read. There were a couple spots where it seemed like you left out a word, but other than that, the story flowed smoothly. And oh, how satisfying to see the brutal end of the telemarketer! Hee hee...nicely done.

feushin

Yes, I think I like it. A good, solid opening sentence. Already I feel there's a sophisticated story coming through.

Excellent! You immediately explained the opening sentence using the declarative sentence structure. It's also pleasing to see good grammar - "My companion and I ..." and "... each other."

"In all, the evening was impeccable ..." It would be more correct to write, "All in all ..." instead of "In all ..."

"... the fire exuded pleasant warmth, and a cosy light supplemented by the nearby oil lamps." Did you mean to say that a "cosy light" was supplemented by the oil lamps - in other words, the oil lamps added to the cosy light initially made by the fire? Or did the fire not produce the cosy light? You need to be more clear here; otherwise it is grammatically incorrect and, therefore, confusing.

I loved this particular sentence. Very soft and poetic ... it really set the atmosphere for the beginning of the story.

While I wouldn't quite call "steady breathing" a form of percussion, I suppose I'll have to allow it - everyone sees these sorts of things differently. I did like "the comforting rasp of fingertips", though. I have never read of fingertips rasping on pages! Originality is my weakness, you see.

This sentence brought to my mind a Victorian/Edwardian gentleman's smoking room. The imagery portrayed by the words you employed is quite vivid. And I loved the oxymoron in "... took a healthy puff on his pipe ..." It's like he's healthily hammering away at the rock representing his life. Brilliant!

"... glancing t’ward ..." Why did you deem it necessary to omit the O in 'toward'? I'm not complaining; just curious. It, once again, establishes that old, gentleman's smoking room image in the mind.

I realise that you may not know French all that well, but you could have visited a translating website for more correct information on how to ask for the time. The correct form would be, "Quelle heure est-il?" It was a good stab nonetheless.

"... a quarter passed nine ..." should be "... a quarter PAST nine ..." Watch your grammar. And "... for conformation" should be "... for CONFIRMATION." I wonder, also, why was it such a heavy task for one to take out one's pocket watch? Perhaps the man was tired or ill or old or even just too stuffed with food ... The pocket watch, again, brings to mind the smoking room. I like these continual references to the latter.

At first this rapid retreat from French into English seemed to me rather odd, but then I remembered Tolstoy's War and Peace, which is peppered with French sentences, and I decided to allow it. Just shows the more you read the more you understand.

The comma is missplaced in this sentence - it should be before the 'shortly' and another following the 'after'. Also, unless "Butler" is a name, it should not have a capital B, as it is not a place in this story but a position in a household. In addition, it is incorrect to say that the butler "... appeared from some unseen local." Perhaps you mean a 'locale'? Watch your spelling, dear. (If you do, a bit of proof-reading never hurt anyone).

Ah, I loved this bit of dialogue! So pompous and holier-than-thou ... representative of a typical Victorian/Edwardian master-servant relationship. Excellent! However, there is no need to put the word "popcorn" into inverted commas in the butler's line. Also, if, by "Madera" you mean the type of wine, then it should be "Madeira" after the island where it was first made.

I'm not sure I like this particular sentence very much. It somehow doesn't fit in with the rest of the beginning, especially the "... accompanied by Queen’s Greatest Hits Volume Two, went to work." The image of a Victorian/Edwardian gentleman's smoking room is dispelled and the reader is left utterly bemused ... at least, I was. Perhaps you should omit that part or work on the beginning (or its conclusion), depending on what kind of an image you want to convey.

Now, this next paragraph, beginning with "Clive Euan was a telesales executive", in my opinion, needs quite a bit of work. There is no spacing, making it appear like one big chunk of godforsaken words. That's something you definitely need to work on, and not just here but in the whole story. There is also a distinct lack of correct punctuation - sure, there're commas and full-stops; a dash here and inverted commas there; but their presence doesn't mean you don't need more.

For example, "... Lev’s billowing black cloak cascading outward ..." should be "... Lev's billowing, black cloak, cascading outward ..." If you're not sure how to use punctuation for more than lists and ends of sentences, there are more than enough websites to teach you all the rules. All you need to do is make the effort.

"... the business of marketing double glazing ..." Eh? What on earth does all that mean?

"Half passed nine in the morning ..." Watch your grammar - it's 'half PAST nine'.

"... firmly entrenched in his desk ..." Erm ... I take it he wasn't actually stuck in the wood, now, was he? How about "firmly entrenched behind his desk in his chair"?

"... double glazing telesales ..." I suggest you make a footnote, explaining what exactly these are, because people like I, who are illiterate in the language of telesales, will most certainly not understand what you mean. Sorry.

"... expanding constantly to facilitate Clive’s fanatical zeal." I really liked that little bit - so many long, extravagant words ... very, very nice.

"Juggling telephones and paperwork and endeavouring ..." It would be better with a comma after paperwork.

"... adrenaline induced erection beneath his colossal red folder ..." Was the use of the words 'erection' and 'colossal' in the same sentence intentional? If it was, well done. If not, a good coincidence.

"... his bespoke, silver embroidered waistcoat ..." Comma after 'silver'. Also, maybe that's too many adjectives ... all three to describe a single waistcoat? Must've been a hell of a waistcoat, then!

This sentence seemed rather out of place to me. You'd been writing in the third person all before, then suddenly, the narrator becomes aware of the fact that there's a the reader, with no warning at all! Perhaps you should omit the "Whatever response this was we will sadly never know ..." bit and leave the sentence as "The response was only just leaving Clive’s brain when it become unexpectedly separated from the rest of his body." And I trust that it was Clive's brain that became separated from his body?

Oh dear. Now, again all of a sudden, the reader is transferred to a first person point-of-view. I wouldn't recommend doing something like this, unless you're writing a novel with clearly marked sections of different points-of-view. In a short story it just seems too jumpy and abrupt. You could just write in the third person and use, for example, "In [insert character's name here] opinion, killing had become only a mediocre pleasure." I also recommend using 'one' instead of 'you', when talking generally. E.g. "Whilst one can indeed have too much ..." Also, don't use shortenings of words, e.g. "execs". While the rest of your story is written in more or less formal, elegant language, this sudden transformation into slang and colloquial language is too startling and very out of place.

"Pistols spent, I glanced over to Lev ..." Not very useful pistols, then, are they, if they only contain one shot ... By the way, it's more correct to say that you 'glanced AT' instead of 'glanced to'.

"... conditioned ginger hair ..." Is 'conditioned' really necessary? Brings to mind a Pantene commercial. This is not the time, dearie.

"... I drew my rapier." To do what with it? Help disembowel the freckled woman?

"After some two hundred years of eating nothing but the finest in French cuisine ..." Don't tell me - French vampires? Reminds me of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles - "Interview With The Vampire", "Queen of the Damned" and all that.

"... Wopper, McChicken Royal or KFC Kids Meal ..." I believe it's "Whopper" and "McChicken Royale"; and it's more correct to write "KFC Kid's Meal", WITH an apostrophe.

"... in-car hi-fi." Two-hundred-year-old vampires with a car and in-car stereo? Um ... well, I suppose they could adapt to the technological revolution ...

"... not unusual hours silence." Apostrophe before 's' in 'hours'.

“I think we’re doing well you know." Comma after 'well'.

"... ones social conscience." Comma before 's' in 'ones'.

" ...Immortality does have its responsibilities, I suppose." This really clinched the vampire theory. A good note to end on.

Overall, I wasn't particularly enthralled by this story, to be honest. I'm afraid I don't understand its aim, its purpose, the meaning of its existence. Were you trying to be insulting towards telemarketers, or revolutionise the vampire scene, or what? The vocabulary used for descriptions is excellent, showing you have a broad knowledge of the dictionary and thesaurus, but I'm sure that it can be utilised in a worthier project. Try something more serious perhaps, more descriptive, and emotionally appealing. Also, pay close attention to your grammar and punctuation, and do try to improve.

All in all, I think this piece may be improved by extended work on it, though I recommend that you try your skill at something different. I'm sure you can do much better. Don't be deterred by all the criticism, though; you made a good effort and achieved an OK result. Personally, I just think that you can use your skills for something else that'll really expose your talent to its best extent. Good luck and don't give up!

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Pawn

My thanks for the in depth critique. Your numerous comments on grammar and syntax are most useful and will be considered in my archived version of this work. You must understand however that is, as the title suggested, meant as nothing more than a brief moment of amusement or enjoyment. I appreciate your devotion to improving my work, but feel that in future you'd be wise to save your slightly patronising tone for works of a serious nature. Thanks anyhoo!

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
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feushin

Oh dear, I didn't mean to sound patronising. My apologies. *bows low*