xxisniffgluexx

She pulled her hair back as she leaned over the toilet. It had finally hit her... the pain, the anger, and all the drama that follows. "Why did he do this to me, why me? Why couldn't he do it to that damn slut he's been trying to hide from me? I've absolutely had it. I'm going to call his ass now!"
As she stood up from the porcalin throne she had idolized for the past three hours she glanced in the mirror. Behind the running eyeliner and the patches of cover up stood a once riegning prom queen. Her king was picture perfect. All star quarter back of the high school football team. Lately he's been acting strange though. Coming in late at night smelling like a dirty... well you know. The first thing he does is demand her prompt "attention". But the spark wasn't there. It had left after he moved in. Things just weren't the same.
When she walked through the kitchen she grabbed the phone. She started to speak the numbers as she dialed.
"Five, five, three, seven, five, nine, two."
She pushed talk and put the phone to her ear. While the phone was ringing she paced aroung the kitchen. Maniacal thoughts went through her head as she listened to the melodic tone of the ringing. Finally a voice.
"Hi." She promptly jumped at the phone and began to chat but only to be interupted by the finishing answering machine. She pushed the "Talk" button and threw the phone across the room. As she threw the phone she started to run outside. When she got to the edge of the door she tripped over the stair that led to the pool gate. When she finally realized what had happened she looked down to find the one loose fencepost through her stomach. As she sat there and cried she realied that it was over. All the drama, all the pain , all the agony. All of her life.

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How many times do I have to tell you?! Stop humping my leg!

Sluag

Not exactly pg but well written I thought it was a good short story leaving you wanting more of an explanation of events as to what happened before to cause such misery you get an idea but not specific ,overall Not bad at all.

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There goes the nuclear family, they blew up!

petrel}

How horribly sad. The story simply reeks of despair. Good job.

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A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

P. G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money

Verago

Wow...its really believeable. Sounds exactly like what someone would do...the ending was surprising. So despairing. Endless grief... (at least...until she died...)

xxisniffgluexx

Thanks guys for the encouragement and criticizm i appreciate every bit of it

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How many times do I have to tell you?! Stop humping my leg!

Rob

I didn't think the ending suited the story. You build something up, then bring it to a climax by having her fall onto a fencepost and die, which is unrelated to the story you've developed - it's just a random event. To me, this leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.

I think it would be a useful exercise for you to try again with the ending, to have something that stems from what you've developed rather than sidesteps it.

Although simple in nature, you do enough to create some sympathy for the character, though not enough to empathise with her. You could make it stronger by including more about what she feels and senses, rather than just what she does or has been through. By empathising with her we will care more about her and engage better with the character.

There's something here to work with, and I hope you come back to this and revise it, to make it stronger.

xxisniffgluexx

Well the point of the ending was to make it unsatisfying... o make you want more. I wanted it to be sorta realistic and one of those peices that will pull the chair oput from under you when your at the very edge. I will have to go back though and give it a little more sytmpathy. Hope do u think that i sould do that though. Do you think i should turn in into a "personal narrative" parsay? I'm not sure. Please help me out with this.

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How many times do I have to tell you?! Stop humping my leg!