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Life and Times of Magnus Peterson
A story by Andy
1
“I dropped a bomb last-night” said Magnus with such a demonic demeanour his brother took note, “really, where did this happen?” said G with surprising curiosity “in the dog and duck” with that Magnus got to his feet and walked like a wounded soldier to the fridge to look for some milk. “Did anyone get out alive?” asked G with a frown, “presumably, I evidently did…” Magnus swivelled staring incredulously at his brother “I was speaking metaphorically you great Charlie, why do you have to take everything I say so literally for christ sake, what I mean is I spent a humongous amount of money down the pub last night…crikey you’re getting worse by the day!”, G looked down at his bowl of cornflakes muttering “I knew exactly what you meant …honest” he got up and left the room thinking deeply about his mental state and about psychiatrists.
Magnus mean while was in the bathroom chundering having gulped down a mouthful of milk that he thought must have been almost as old as Hadrian. He was cursing his luck why does this sort of thing always happen to me he thought “why not me” he said aloud “why not indeed” a husky female voice came from his bedroom, he glanced in the mirror and what he saw was not pretty, black tired ridden eyes, a partially receded hairline and a confused almost constipated looking face staring back at him, an expression that if he could freeze the frame he could imagine a million and one different faces across the globe/western civilization looking back at him the morning after the night before who to had had a sinful amount of alcohol and trying to put their lives back together afterwards; trying to regain the 10+ hours of ‘lost time’ and mental strength regained.
Right Magnus Peterson be very brave- he took a deep breath and entered his bedroom and shuddered at the sight of what was before him. A middle aged forty something lay on his bed not wearing a stitch save her glasses, by the look of which were obviously not for a sophisticated look but to in fact see with, the lenses were as thick as his brother was thought Magnus. Legs like tree trunks, Hands like Ray Clemence and as for the hair, pubic hair or otherwise, goodness me thought Magnus it must have been decades since she shaved- Christ what a mess. All a speechless Magnus could do was look up at the ceiling and tut in denial thinking that this latest conquest pipped the lot. “you can’t even look at me can you” the whale said. “No not at all” replied Magnus in his poshest English accent, nervously trying not to laugh “I was just wandering how that condom came to be perched on top of my silk lampshade”. “the mind boggles indeed” said Magnus casually staring; his eyes a bulge at what lay before him on top of HIS bed.
G was on yahoo.com looking up psychiatrists when he heard voices, he looked around manically as if expecting the voices would transform in to something physical in his bedroom. He looked out of the window and saw an old man walking his dog, the old man looked up and smiled. G dived down to the floor like a spook and the old man continued his dog walk thinking why he had this kind of an effect on people, it seemed to get worse as he got older, as soon as his hair went silver nobody seemed interested in him anymore, including/especially his wife…he knew that his impotence didn’t help him on that level. The old man continued on his way looking down at his dog lovingly “you still love me though” he stated as a matter of factly and continued on his way with a stupid grin on his face. G mean while had closed his curtains. He stood in the centre of his poorly lit room looking around for nothing in particular.
“technically speaking the age is paramount to me being your illicit love child…I mean you’re married for Christ sake”, “I know you want me” she teased “look its usually older men who chase younger women not vice versa, you’re a mature woman and exceedingly voluptuous but…” Magnus’s argument petered out into a whimper and he stood there like a petulant school child, “I am not going to be your bit on the side, I have got morals you know” stated Magnus after an eternal minute “that’s arguable…” sighed the woman glancing up at the strawberry coloured sheath “…you sound like a half sensible young man now, but last night I think you’re words were ‘eff the condom it doesn’t feel the same’ and you then proceeded to snatch it away before I had time to stretch it”. “Well I’m very sorry that’s completely out of character” not realizing what an animal he could be after a sinful of alcoholic beverage “…did I withdraw in time” continued Magnus. “you mean you don’t remember” she replied unsurprised “as a matter of fact there was more chance of my husband getting an erection; with or without Viagra, there was no way I was giving up this opportunity” it was the woman’s first sexual experience for an eternity, her plan had worked, wait outside the dog and duck for a paralytic young man and carry him home, it was pure chance that she found Magnus Peterson who’s address she new from happening to be his brothers teacher a decade earlier. She fantasised about doing it for sometime, the amorality of her idea had been overtaken by her uncontrollable desire for sex, she fireman lifted inebriated Magnus as he had collapsed on a park bench as his attempt to tie his shoe lace failed miserably. There was plenty to choose from, the previous week she had watched a BBC documentary about yob culture in England, the binge drinking and piss head mentality that had engulfed the UK in particular from the early 90’s, towns/cities everywhere, it was costing the tax payer millions in damage to property and violent assault and so on, but to her it was a melting pot of young hunks who were open to violation by her!…. “you mean it doesn’t work on him I thought via…but that’s besides the point, I cant remember any of this, I mean I don’t even know your name, Christ for all I know you’ve made all this up” Magnus looked at the condom and then at the ripples of flab reminiscent to blubber on sea lions that rippled on top of his bed and almost broke down, he shook his head in disbelief.
2
G was listening to the voices coming from Magnus’s room with an intensity in his eyes that Mohammed Ali himself would have been proud of. Not much of what was filtering through the walls was penetrating through to G’s brain but certain words he could recognize. G’s summarizing of the situation was that his brother had done something illegal that involved Viagra, condoms and an impotent lovechild, what in heavens name was his brother up to? G collapsed on his bed and fell asleep mentally exhausted.
It was mid afternoon and Magnus was sipping on a pint in the dog and duck contemplating the events of the morning and trying to regain some of his ‘lost time’ from the previous night. Magnus took a sip from his second pint thinking how quickly he had drunk his first and stared bleakly at his packet of cigarettes. “I’m gonna have to stop this drinking me-larky I know that much” shouted Magnus across the bar to Conrad as he stood up and joined his friend at the fruit machine “is it playing?” Magnus proceeded to bend down and look at the reels as if he new what he was talking about, he in fact didn’t understand the ‘bloody things’ as he often called them when he played them and once quite famously got barred by one pub in Bristol while at university after hurling a pint glass at one in disgust after failing to win. “No it aint” grunted Conrad in a ‘fuck off’ kind of a way. “Where did ya go last night, you left well early didn’t ya” asked Conrad, “I got rather drunk, I cant remember to be honest” Magnus strained to say guiltily as he usually did the ‘day after the night before’. “I’m off bye” Conrad use to be a good friend but I guess we had drifted apart…Magnus went to the bar ordered another pint and sat in silence in the corner of the pub as if he had been told by someone to ‘go and sit in the corner and think about what you have done’ Magnus sat there in an anxious mood waiting desperately for something to happen to his pathetic insignificant life.
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