Heart - Writers Forum

Shianra · 09-06-2004, 09:15 AM

I make no excuses for this. I was delirious with a fever in the middle of the night and words were running rampant through my head...I was getting up about every thirty seconds to turn on the light so I could write ideas and words down. It was hell! Anyway, one short piece that I managed to decipher when I awoke was this....umm.

*****

Digging. Down and down and ever down. What will you uncover? What do you seek? But perhaps the questions are meaningless, for you just enjoy the sensation of digging: dirt under your nails, sweat on your brow and muscles stretching and relishing in their purpose.

Yes, perhaps you just enjoyed digging. You did not expect to find your heart there, under the soil, did you? That’s right, your heart and your heart’s love trapped in that little sphere of enchantment. It had waited under the ground for you to find it for ever so long.

So when you did uncover it, the jewel that is your heart, what did you do? Did you merely look upon its simple purity and take pleasure in its being, and then put the little ball in your pocket and go home?

Or perhaps you opened the ball? Released what was kept within? Yes, let us say that you did that. And then a faerie, or maybe a winged ball of light, emerged.

And it flew. And it flew high. Above the garden walls of suburbia, higher then the utmost reaches of the trees, beyond the top of the tallest buildings. It flew. And you watched it fly. And tears of joy and pain rolled down your cheeks. For what if your heart was to fly too high? What if it were to fall?

But the joy was worth the fear and the pain of separation. For you too were flying, you know. High above the earth. Because surely you are your heart and it is you and you are one. So you to feel the feather-brush touch of the clouds. And you too see the sun closer then you ever have before.

So while your earth-bound body wept your heart was light and dancing in the sky. And it did come back to you, oh yes. Once the stars had come out and your heart had known the moon it did, ever so gently, float back down to earth.

Back to you.

And you welcomed it and embraced it as your own dear soul and love. And it slipped back inside your chest where you could feel it warm and safe and content – for it had seen the sun and touched the stars.

So yes, you held your heart once more and kept it bound to you with the physical bonds of love. But once free, forever free. So it is and so may it ever be.

SallytheRagDoll · 09-07-2004, 02:51 AM

Wow...that was intense..and yet...it was about digging. Okay, watch me. Are you watching? *slaps herself* That was for me ever doubting this story.

It was amazing! I don't see how you could take somthing as mundane as digging and make it into a fabulous little story like this. I am shocked. Utterly amazed! I love it!!! Keep up the AMAZING work!!! I'll be keeping an eye out for your stuff!!

Creative_Insanity · 09-07-2004, 12:01 PM

Wow, this is a really impressive piece. For some reason this reminds me of one of Zarathustra's tales from Friedrich Nietzche's book, Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

Only a couple suggestions.

"So while your earth-bound body wept your heart was light and dancing in the sky. And it did come back to you, oh yes. Once the stars had come out and your heart had known the moon it did, ever so gently, float back down to earth."

I think you should delete "oh yes", and replace "and" with "but".

"So yes, you held your heart once more and kept it bound to you with the physical bonds of love. But once free, forever free. So it is and so may it ever be."

I think you should delete the "so" in "so yes".

Overall an amazing piece. Not only was it well-written, it was full of wise thoughts and ideas.

I especially loved the way you ended the piece -- very inspirational.

And you gave birth to this perfect child during a fever? That's amazing. I mean, sorry about the hellishness of the situation, but this is really really great work.

Anyways, take care, keep writing,
Adria

Shianra · 09-08-2004, 07:48 AM

hey, thanks!

feeling like I should have a looksee at Zarathustra's stuff now...

cheers for the critique too. I'll have to re-read it and see if it actually makes sense now

oh, and if you really and truly want to see an example of my other work *g* you can look in the critique forum under "and in my sleep i dreamed"

that's be great^^

Creative_Insanity · 09-08-2004, 10:33 AM

I think I'll do that. ^_^ If you ever want an in-depth critique you can email me at goldenfool9@aol.com. I enjoy editing and I do it for people for free.

DanTheMan1535 · 09-08-2004, 09:48 PM

Man that was deep! I've been reading these short stories and this gets my vote for most original, and I think the circumstances under which you wrote it are great as well! Some of the best works come from delirious minds!! I think I'll search the forums for more of your writing now.

Dan

Shianra · 09-10-2004, 12:07 AM

hehe, thanks.

It IS more fun writing when you're not in your right mind.

and I'll definately e-mail you too. Editing is gravely needed.

I mean, its been nearly 2 years since I escaped highschool and any need for grammar and the like...I've forgotten it all.^^

Creative_Insanity · 09-10-2004, 09:26 PM

This short piece you did here seemed pretty well polished. Are you sure you've forgotten it all?

And a reminder: I reserve the right to take as long as my little heart desires in getting your work back to you. I get busy sometimes. . .

Shianra · 09-12-2004, 03:27 AM

I will forgive you, promise.

And if it's polished I guess that means there's little elves in my room drafting and re-drafting as I sleep...scary.

Nope, that was the first draft.

Shianra · 09-12-2004, 03:40 AM

I will forgive you, promise.

And if it's polished I guess that means there's little elves in my room drafting and re-drafting as I sleep...scary.

Nope, that was the first draft.

Creative_Insanity · 09-12-2004, 03:18 PM

Wow.. I need to borrow your room sometime.. MINE sure doesn't have little elves..