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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: not actually IN mumsville... uk really!
Posts: 1,633
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I wish I had never left him.
A story I have had for a while as you can see, I had it on lit and have now changed it so now it makes more sense... well i say that but...
word count - 945
02/07/03
06/09/04 - revised
I wish I’d never left him!
I am watching him all the time now, as he wanders through ‘our’ house like a shadow. I know he doesn’t want to be there, not on his own, not without me.
I watch him when he gets up in the morning, goes to work, comes home, has something to eat and then goes to bed again. I have no idea what how he behaves whilst he is at work, but I can imagine that he does the same thing as what he does at home… just wanders… He doesn’t see any point in it now, watching television, going out or even seeing his family.
They all know at work. Well of cause they did, there wasn’t a day that passed when I wasn’t mentioned in conversation. They all knew that he has lost the only person that had ever mattered to him. She has gone, and taken his heart and soul with her.
He doesn’t see me watching him; I don’t think he sees anything now. In the beginning he did see me; he used to talk to me too, we would have these wonderful conversations like we did when I first came into his life about, two years ago now. But now he sees right through me, ignores me. There is nothing I can do for him now though; he is lost, just like I am.
There was a time when I would have done anything for him. I would have even given my life for him, would he have done the same? I’m not sure I would want him to.
Before I left, he had said that I wanted too much from him, that I was too demanding.
All I wanted was the loving relationship that you would see in the movies, with the music and flowers, and the happy ending. Ours wasn’t disappointing; in fact it was all that and more. We thought we were the luckiest couple in the world. We thought the sun rose, shone and set for us, and everything in between was all for us.
We used to start out each and every day with whispering ‘I love you’s’ to each other and thanking God or whoever for this wonderful day, then we would make love before going to have breakfast in the garden if it was nice enough to do so.
In the very beginning it was agony just leaving him to go to work, and the day would pass so slowly until we saw each other again. And when we did it was like the ‘meeting up after so long apart’ love scenes in the movies.
When we came home together, we would sit and drink tea in the garden and tell each other about our days at work, and laugh at the stupid people we had come into contact with because they couldn’t comprehend the depth of our love.
All that stopped however… about six or seven months before I left, not on my part though, I was still as loving as caring as ever, but he…he became distracted.
At first I thought it might have been another woman, but only for a second, I knew he wouldn’t do that to me. But still he wouldn’t tell me what was going through his mind.
So I came to the conclusion that he didn’t love me anymore…
I began dropping hints that I knew something was bothering him, I began to distance myself from him too, I thought then maybe he would come around and realize what I was doing and make everything better again…
But he didn’t suspect a thing.
Or maybe, as it was my understanding, he just didn’t care anymore.
This went on for the last five months before I left, the last day that I was in that house, ‘our’ house, we bid each other goodbye, but there was more meaning in my goodbye, his was just for the day… mine was forever. I knew I couldn’t take it anymore!
Then he left for work, we didn’t go together now, he always had ‘early meetings’ and I went back into the house and packed everything I had that was mine into the biggest bag I could find. There wasn’t much really, I had started a new life with this man, I didn’t need any reminders of my life before him.
When he came home from work that day it hit him as soon as he came through the door, that something was amiss.
There was no cup of tea waiting for him he noticed, no arms to wrap around him… he noticed that too! And I thought I had lost him, I thought he didn’t notice me anymore… how wrong I was!
All that silent and moody treatment, avoiding my eyes, avoiding me sometimes… when I asked him where he was going, or had gone, he wouldn’t me a straight answer – he was just ‘out’
How was I to know he was planning our wedding?
And now as I watch him drag his feet from room to room my heart bleeds for him, I would have never have left if I had known that he still loved me, still wanted me, still needed me as much as I had loved, wanted and needed him.
But now it is too late to go back to him.
Too late to undo the thing that I have done.
Too late!
I wish I had found another way to leave him.
But I didn’t know that he still loved me.
I wish my attempt to kill myself had failed… but then I wouldn’t have known then what I know now
Now I can only watch.
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