Oopgrub

I didnt really edit it yet, im a bit tired but i'd like a few people to read it, hopefully enjoy it a bit.

Deep in the forest, beyond the high trees and shallow streems. Within the bird chirps and thick pine eroma, the elderly woman walked on. Slow and short she found her footing deliberatly in the maze of tree roots, pine needles and moss. So fragile seemed her frame, shrouded by her brown worn cloak. She was looking for something. Ever-so-slowly she neared another, more frequented path, which about two hundred paces past would lead to an opening in the wooding, to a small field with a large oak tree in the center, though the bush and thorns vines around the field were too thick for any other paths with the exception of the two ones opposite eachother. Upon reaching the opening a grin was forced on her dirty face.
"Halt!" Yelled a large man weilding a wood club, standing ten yards in front of the oak, and twenty from the woman. "You must pay the toll of one silver piece to me, or you may not pass."
"Who says?" The old lady said, looking up, squinting as the light entered her eyes.
"I say, and my companions cannot seem to find a reason to disagree with me." He said, looking left and right to gain support.
Upon the conclusion of his statement, the woman walked onward, slowly, with a goal in mind.
"Are you hard of hearing? I asked for a toll nicely, now hand it over before I am forced to collect by force!" He said, with a hint of confusion in his voice, as if he didn't know what to do.
Soon, when the woman was five paces in front of him, her would-be mugger stepped forward only to be stopped, struck dumb. Her back hunched dangerously lower, and she seemed to be twitching under her cloak which was now fully draping her body, she was shaking violently. Within seconds, in one quick burst smoke clouded all around her, the mugger looked down to see her cloak at his feet. He stood, jaw drooping staring into the smoke, he made out a dark sillouete, standing nearly five and a half feet tall. seconds past and the smoke cleared. He no longer saw an old women, but a beautiful one, with the darkest eyes and hair alike, and black leather straps holding together a suit of leather armor protecting her body's vital points, breasts and girth. The thief's eyes wondered down her toned body, revealing to him gauntlets on each hand with a nearly eighteen inch blade connected to each, who's black handles ran the length of her lower arms, one resembled a tiger, and the other an ape. She was on guard.
"Attack!" The man yelled, charging in at her, club over his head ready to deliver a deadly blow. Two arrows flew in on each side of the woman as she broke into a deadly dance. Both blades flew up, she delivered a devestating kick to the thief's mid section, sending him a few steps backwards as he fell over in agony. Her deadly blades seemed to catch the arrows, stopping them and throwing them up straight, then pulling them back down, juggling them as she weaved her hands inside and out, spiraling them down the length of her blades. They nearly reached the deadly ends when, with a flick of her wrists the arrows went flying, each catching its past owner in the gut.
Two swordsmen jumped from branches of the large oak, running at her with swords over their heads cocked back to strike. They closed in, the attacker to the left brought his sword down for a stab at her rib cage, she leaned back, delivering a kick with her left leg to his wrist, shattering it, while simultaniously blades clashed and she hurled his companion's sword out wide while countering with a slash on his bicep, tearing muscle and stopping deliberatly at the bone, rendering the arm useless, he fell over in pain, grasping his arm. Without even putting her foot down, she delivered another kick to the swordsmen who was still standing's jaw, he abruplty fell over unconcious.
With no other threat in site, she walked forward, stepping over over the first thief, holding his stomach and gasping for air, walking by the swordsman, holding his arm, he seemed to be crying. She picked up her cloak, twirling it around herself every which way, spin after spin until it lay over the crouched back of a dirty old lady, who walked slowly and deliberatly onward, smiling and chuckling.

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~*little_minx*~

hmm strange. haha, deceptive little old ladies, funny.

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Laugh it up, fuzzball!

Oopgrub

Any more comments would be cool. I always like to hear feedback,good or bad.

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Rob

Hi Oopgrub,

I have some comments on your story below. These reflect my own personal opinion, and as you know opinions are subjective, so it would be wise to obtain several opinions before deciding whether and how the story might require revision. Nothing below is intended to offend (though even constructive criticism may do so at times).

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Your story is essentially about an old woman walking through the woods. Her path is blocked by a group of men. She magically turns into a younger woman, who fights off the men, then turns back into the old woman and continues on her way.

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Much of what we might expect from a short story in order to engage and entertain the reader appears to be missing or weak, which suggests that you're relatively inexperienced. I won't, therefore, dwell too much on these, but would suggest that in order to improve your story telling generally it would help to invest in a good book on writing, or check out some of the web sites devoted to it.

We know little about the old woman from the story opening except that she is passing through the woods. She is the main character in the story, but we don't have any reason to feel sympathetic towards her, and we don't have a goal with which we can identify other than walking through the woods itself. What are we to feel if the goal isn't met? Because of this, we don't have reason enough to care about the old lady and whether or not she succeeds in her journey, and therefore our interest in the story is not greatly stimulated.

You put the old lady into a threatening situation once in the story, when she is attacked by the group of men blocking her path, but you immediately resolve this by changing her into a young lady - with no explanation of how this comes about - who is capable of fighting them off with ease. There is consequently no real tension.

Some of the longer sentences need to be broken up into shorter sentences, partly to make it easier for the reader to swallow, and partly because they express two or more unrelated ideas. Ideally sentences should address a single self contained idea.

The most positive aspect that I see is that of imagination. It's clear that you have a good imagination, which is essential, and with more experience in the craft of story telling I'm sure this imagination will serve you well.

Omni

Oopgrub

Yes I understand that, but I will just explain myself. This was never actualy meant to be a short story, it was piece of a larger book, a fight scene. Now don't get me wrong, I am no expert by any stretch, and this definatly needs revising. But keep that in mind.

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