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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 09-01-2004, 12:12 AM   #1
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Reeper
The Duel

The Duel

Dust and tumble weed danced around the little peublo of Monterrey, California. The wind wipped the air like a disobedient child to and fro. The dirt began to tremble at the thunderous beat of approaching horses. The soldiers on horse back split through the town like a knife, riding fast and furious toward the outskirts. Riding among them is a man of noble and social elite status. He wears no uniform but is considered to be as good in combat as any soldier. His name is don Enrique Hidalgo, a tall and handsome young aristocrat who takes pleasure in accompanying the local calvery on daily patrols. He is a master swordsman and archer. His eyes bright green stare out into the barren hills with intense fire.
The patrol stops in front of a humble little hacienda on the outskirts of Monterrey. Hidalgo narrows his eyes "So these are the gypsies who refuse to pay their taxes, huh". A corporal nods his head absent mindlely. The men dismount and walk up to the door. Hidalgo grips the hilt of his prize rapier swinging at his side and roughly pounds on the door of the hacienda. The door quietly inches open and a pair of brown eyes peers out. The woman timidly seaks up "What can I do for you senor". Hidalgo coldly looks at her "Open up gypsy woman, we are here for your taxes." He pushes his way into the dwelling, nearly knocking the woman over. Hidalgo looks around the house and sneers at its meagerness than looks back at the frightened woman " Do you know the penalty for not paying your taxes senora?" Just then the back door swings open and a sweaty hard lined man walks in with a young woman. He wipes his brow "Well Helena I got all those shirts in out of the sand, you may need to wash them again" he starts to laugh when he looks up and sees the intuders. Helena runs to him and starts to weep, "Andree they have come for our taxes". Hidalgo and his men advance further and come eye to eye with Andree. Hidalgo looks down at the gypsy farmer "Thats right Andree, your wife is quite correct your taxes are way over due. I was just explaining to her the penalty of not paying." Andree takes a deep nervous breath " I...I know the penalty don Enrique, but we have fallen on hard times. The harvest was not what I expected it to be and I hardly have any money for food..." "I dont care to hear your whimperings Andree, you must pay your taxes just like the rest of the citizens!" snaps Hidalgo. The young don looks around "I tell you what Im going to do for you Andree, Ill find your tax money for you." He walks over to a small table and flips it over " Not under there". He walks over to a small cupboard and ransacks it "Not in there" Helena and her daughter begin to whimper and huddle close to Andree. Hidalgo looks at the corporal "Get the idea Corporal". The corporal nods with a sly smile and he and the rest of the partol begin to ransack to the little house, much to the horror of the gypsies. After their plunder the corporal reports the finding of no money. Hidalgo looks at Andree, his eyes burning with fury "Well I guess this means I will have throw your you and your family in jail." He puts his arm around Andree "But for you, I'll make you an offer. I will give you just one day to come up with the money and if you dont have it by tommorow, you will be jailed." Andree draws back " Thank you don Enrique." Hidalgo smiles "But I will have to take something for colateral, Corporal" The soldiers sieze Helena and the girl as they scream and cry. Andree tries to stop it but Hidalgo punches him in the stomach knocking the wind out of him. Andree drops to the floor on his kness clenching his stomach in pain. Hidalgo kneels to the stricken man and whispers in his ear " I'm sure my men will show those two a good time". He rises with an evil grin on his face and starts towards the door. The soldiers begin to drag the two women out the door. Andree looks up and sees his family being dragged out in tears. He becomes enraged and quivers in fury. He draws a small knife from his belt and charges Hidalgo in a frenzy. Hidalgo swiftly turns around with a pistol in his hands and shoots the man without a second thought. Andree falls to the ground with a bullet hole through his chest. Helena screams and breaks free of her captors. She runs to her husbands side and weeps profusely. Hidalgo walks up to her and stares downward. She stops crying and looks up at his direction. Her eyes intensify and her gaze seems to burn straight through his soul. Helena begins to chant in a strange tongue, all the while never lifting her peircing stare from Hidalgo. "Shut up" Hidalgo snaps. Helena's chanting becomes louder and more intense. Hidalgo narrows his eyes "I said shut up!" But her chanting only becomes louder and he draws his rapier and stands poised ready to strike her down. As her feverish chanting continues Hidalgo notices something in her eyes and a twinge of fear pervades him. For a moment he stands frozen. She suddenly stops and lowers her head. Hidalgo sheathes his sword and orders her to be taken away. As Helena is bieng dragged out the door she turns her head and gives Hidalgo an eerie smile.
When Hidalgo arrives home to his lavish hacienda he stops to lay down. His servant brings him some wine and he thanks her. Hidalgo slowly takes a sip of wine and spits it out. He looks into the cup and dips his finger into the liquid. To his horror he finds its not wine but blood. Hidalgo furiously repremands his servant and slaps her several times. She clammers and tastes the wine, but now it has transformed back to wine. Hidalgo sips it again and is shocked to see it is indeed again wine. He goes back to lay down and falls asleep. When Hidalgo awakes he discovers a cryptic marking on his wall scrawled in blood. The marking is the same as a pecuilair tattoo Hidalgo noticed on Andree just before he shot him. For the next month Hidalgo is plauged by ghostly sounds that awaken him at night, footsteps, objects that go flying off shelves, frightening messages left on his doorstep, eerie voices that call out to him. Finally he can stand it no longer and goes to Helena in jail. He demands to know what she has done to him. Helena just laughs and tells him "You will find out at midnight".
That night Hidalgo stays awake until midnight. When the stroke of twelve hits things go eerily silent. Hidalgo looks out the window to find the streets deserted. A disembodied voice calls out to Hidalgo. It beckons him to go out into the street. Hidalgo swiftly grabs his rapier and storms out of his hacienda. He furiously calls out "Show yourself!" A ghostly mist rolls in and out of the darkness a brown hooded figure emerges, at it's side swings a sword. Hidalgo stares at the figure and cannot see it's face. "Who are you!" Hidalgo shouts. The figure stays silent. Instead of answering it draws its weapon and points at Hidalgo. This seems to enrage the young don and in a frenzy he furiously attacks the figure. At this a spectacular fencing duel erupts and both the figure and Hidalgo slash, swing and stab at each other. Hidalgo chases the figure up a staircase still raging with anger. The battle continues and Hidalgo starts to get the better of his opponent. It one lightning quick move Hidalgo disarms the figure and knocks it down the stairs. The figure tumbles downward and disappears where the stairs turn toward the ground. Assuming his enemy is at the bottom of the stairs, Hidalgo runs down and lunges the last few feet to the bottom expecting to finish off his opponent. But when he gets to the bottom the figure is gone. Hidalgo turns around and feels a blade pierce straight through him. Hidalgo looks up into the face of his killer and is horrified to see the decaying face of Andree.
The next day the towns people find Hidalgo dead at the bottom of the steps with the sword still in him. Next to his body is a crumpled up brown robe and hood.
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Old 09-04-2004, 12:26 AM   #2
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JPPLAY
Okay. It an intresting storie. I thought you start was stronger then your middle and end. Throughout the writing you hope from one thing to another. Then he did this. Then her eyes fillered here. It did this. He did this. Try to smooth it out.
Also please put your story in the proper form using paragraphs instead of a big block of writing.
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Old 09-08-2004, 07:25 PM   #3
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kasparwit
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you probably dig louis lamour too...

i enjoyed the ride on this one. i have been poking around in the forum all day, browsing, searching... for that feeling you get when something draws you in. and you escape for a moment. this was the story that did it.
cc (constructive criticism) it is tight, which is great. maybe too tight, you seem to rush a bit right toward the end. expand those last couple of paragraphs - i want to feel this sonofabitch taxcollector fighting for his life - and remembering what he did to that family... i want to see the moment in the fight when hidalgo realizes he is battling with his own conscience...

nice one dude. i look forward to reading more

kaspar
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