Another sad story by me!!! ~Beth! - Writers Forum

r3b3l · 08-31-2004, 08:10 AM

It was a typical Wednesday morning and Kerry was on her way to school.
She was a short skinny girl, with what some might say ‘childish’ pigtails and big thick glasses. She was smart and liked to impress the teachers.
Today was the day they had to take in there history projects. Kerry proudly held her folder filled with work she had been working on for the last 7 weeks.
Kerry didn’t have many friends. She’d moved to the school recently and was very shy. She tried her best to be nice to the children but they thought it was fun to pick on her. ‘Torture’ she described it.
So anyway, she arrived at school early. Great she thought another reason to be picked on. The bell rang and she took her place quickly and quietly at the front of the class, carefully placing her project on the desk in front of her.
Slowly the classroom filled with children. After what seemed like ages, there teacher Ms. Brooke, asked for silence.
“Okay children so who’s brought there project?” she looked around the classroom. Many desks were bare. She frowned. “Ah Kerry I knew I could reply on you to set a good example!”
Kerry buried her head in her hands. She heard Ms. Brooke saying the odd thing like “Yes” and “aha” In other words she liked it.
“Wait here” she beamed throwing the folder on the desk “I’m going to get the head to see this!”
Kerry lifted her head to see Mark stood behind her, glaring evilly at her. Suddenly he grinned and roughly picked up the folder.
“Oh this work is fabulous my little Kerry sweetie” he said between laughs.
He scanned the room for his cronies, stopping on Jermane.
“Catch” He grinned throwing the folder full pelt across the room. Before she knew it people were jumping up and down begging for it to be thrown to them. Kerry jumped up and down trying to catch it. Her eyes started to prickle.
“Don’t cry honey” said Jermane in a sickly sweet voice. Him and his friends doubled over laughing. They thought this was hilarious. She knew they weren’t going to give it back yet so she sat back and watched them.
Suddenly George hit it hard, it flew onto the bookshelf knocking books off and then shooting back and out of the window!
“Score!” George shouting sending everyone mad with laughter again.
“Why?” Kerry whispered to herself. “Why do you do this to me?” She said louder and clearer. A few people stopped laughing and looked at her. “Why” she repeated crying hysterically. “Why, why, why??” Suddenly and unexpectedly she clenched her fists and barged through the crowd. She sat on the windowsill “I can’t believe I’m going to do this she whispered. Ms. Brooke walked in with the head. They stood silently staring at her along with everyone else.
“Wait here we’ll get help” there teacher yelped. They fled from the room quickly.
Suddenly Mark whispered “Jump” the words went through Kerry’s mind. “Jump” he repeated. Suddenly nearly everyone was saying it. Chanting it.
Some girls cried out in protest. “She won’t do it. She has no bottle!” he sneered. The girls slowly joined in.
A million voices sounded in her mind. She was confused, didn’t know what she was doing. Slowly she leaned forward and looked outside. More people. Shouting. She tipped forward the wind hit her hard winding her. She fell to the floor with a bang, people crowded around. Too late. They had gone too far and it was the last time.

this is only my second piece of work posted

i hope you like it its not very good i know but i havnt been writing long since im only twelve thanx for any feedback

~*little_minx*~ · 08-31-2004, 08:32 AM

mmm its good, sad. i hope this isnt written from how you really feel. but its still good

moonandsun · 08-31-2004, 09:02 AM

A nice ending I say, but I'd work on depth. The beginning was ever so predictable, "a shy girl, smart, no friends." It's been done before, maybe add a quirk in there. A girl who is not shy, in fact loves public speaking finds herself better then her classmates and so has difficulty making friends. Bring a bit of depth with it, add some more quirks to make it believeable. How old is she? Would the teacher leave a class alone or ask another teacher to step in? Great Job though, feel free to ignore my crit.

-Amy

r3b3l · 08-31-2004, 12:51 PM

no its not how i feel lol

i never thought of that :S i just thought it went with the story, the idea of a bit of a swot. i dont wanna ignore you and ill consider all the things you sed and thanx both of you for the feedback

NoWorries · 08-31-2004, 04:49 PM

Excellent story. Not that age is a good measure of anything, but for for 12, it's incredible.

I'm a little confused on the ending. "She fell to the floor." Is the floor in the classroom, or is it the ground outside? Considered clearing this up.

Another along the same lines, "She won't do it, she has no bottle." What's a bottle? I'm not familiar with that.

I disagree with moon, "a shy girl, smart, no friends." It's been done before" Everything has been done before, don't let that stop you. The curtness of your description works very well, I don't think anything should be changed there.

What I particularly liked about the story was it's momentum, it started slow and accelerated quickly and never stopped. It was composed at the beginning, then at the end things were moving too fast to be comprehended by the character, the writing reflected this. I especially liked when the teacher fled the room, because you could see her as confused and overwhelmed as everyone else.

And lastly, what the story doesn't need is the line, "And it was the last time." Obviously it was the last time, I think it would end well on the note, "It (or They) had gone too far." It's kind of rhetorical, but at the same time has a powerful message that sometimes people don't see what they are doing until it's done, especially when their adrenalin is running.

I don't think much needs to be changed to having a winning story.

Deadally · 08-31-2004, 07:35 PM

What I judge from this story is a sense of unbelievability to certain degrees. My major qualm is with the keep-away game played by guys against a girl. One never ever sees this kind of bullying, cross gendering, perhaps if the lead was a male it would feel more believable, for it occurs to me that young men aren't expected to be punctual so much as young women, perhaps?

At any rate, some of the imagery was confusing. For instance, the last little bit I had to read several times because it sounded like she fell back into the room onto the floor, and her classmates gathered around. If you had maybe said, "hit the pavement" it would certainly clear things up.

Your style sounded a bit too colloquial (conversational) for your generally serious prose. For instance, "So anyway, she arrived at school early" sounds exactly like you talking to a friend about this girl. I realize that taking the words out would make it sound even more choppy than it already is, so I suggest finding a different way to express such uhhh... things as time. Perhaps "As usual, she arrived long before her classmates." It sounds more interesting, gets the same point across with a more serious tone that you are obviously trying to convey

I hated every character but Kerry, literally they drove me into animosity toward their characters. I felt intense anger in reading this story because of the actions of them. Perhaps your story would seem more fulfilling if the antagonists received more comeuppance than "They had gone too far and it was the last time."

You also need touchups in your grammar and revising. For instance, you often substituted "there" for "their" (They each had there project should be their in this case), and you use some highly repetitive passages, the most glaring was "the wind hit her hard winding her." It's almost comical in its disregard for finding a better thought.

Overall, I'm not condemning the story; however, I think you could use some expansion in your style and storytelling.

If I was too confusing (it was particularly hard to criticize while showing that I liked it), please feel free to PM me and I'll try to clarify!

Continue, if your writing was perfect, why would you post it here?

Farror · 08-31-2004, 07:47 PM

Erm... talk about a fake situation. Playing keep away, fine, it works for elementry students, but if someone sat on an windowsill, next to an opened window, I very much doubt that suicide would be encouraged.

r3b3l · 09-01-2004, 08:06 AM

i never noticed that noworries i will correct it, its meant to be she falls to the ground outside

bottle - if you have bottle it means your brave, it is used quite a lot here in england but maybe your not form here
thanx for the feedback noworries

look at my signiture it says: Queen of typo's - one of my most popular is their and there i have being that since i learnt to write

You said 'Continue, if your writing was perfect, why would you post it here?'
thats why i signed up mainly to read other peoples work and get feedback on mine