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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 08-21-2004, 04:48 AM   #1
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Silenced part 2

[an:90a53d301a] I finally got off my lazy butt and wrote something. There will be one more part to this possibly two, depending on if I can end it in the next part. Anyway, enjoy!
Note: There is some mild profanity. I only proof read it once so if there are any horrible errors point them out! [/an:90a53d301a]


Never had a 200-string symphony playing in a compact auditorium sound so loud as did the doorbell ringing throughout the house. Keegan, sweat pouring down his face, instantly dropped Raven’s corpse and looked around warily. He had made it a point to turn all unnecessary lights off and shut all the blinds and curtains. More likely than not if the person ringing the doorbell was just a neighbor they’d leave the house after a few rings. But in the back of Keegan’s mind, he worried that if it were the one who had been causing all the problems between him and Raven, the home-wrecking son of a bitch would let himself in.

Raven’s brother, Jerome White, had been plaguing Keegan’s marriage to Raven ever since their honeymoon. Him and his bastard daughter. Raven had been so kind to Jerome and had been helping him with Casey since she was born. Casey being born a mute had really hurt Jerome, and Raven was right there to comfort him. Casey, was eight years old now, and had been coming over almost daily. Her red hair always vibrant and bouncy, she would come in with such enthusiasm, Jerome wouldn’t dare try and cease the visits. The little girl had a bond with her aunt that she didn’t even have with Jerome. He didn’t mind though, seeing his little girl smile and happy took away some of the pain he felt when he thought about her future.

The doorbell rang again and Keegan hustled out of the kitchen, flicking the light off as he went. He sprinted to the bathroom and began scrubbing at his blood stained shirt like he had an unbearable itch that wouldn’t cease. When the blood wouldn’t come out he ripped off his shirt and threw it in the bathtub.

Jerome used a key he had received from Raven and creaked the door open. Casey eagerly tried to maneuver around her large father. He held her back and stepped inside. It was pitch black.

“Hello,” Jerome shouted. “Anyone home?”
“Yeah,” a voice replied from a distance. “I’ll be right there.”

Casey pushed through and ran into the living room. Even though it was completely dark she knew exactly where everything was. She had recorded it all to memory from her frequent visits. She plopped on the couch and padded around for the remote. Once found, she clicked it on and watched as the room began to light up with a bluish glow.

“Honey, I don’t think you should just barge in like t-” Jerome was cut off by a sharp look from Casey. “Okay, I guess there is no harm, but I don’t think Auntie Raven is here.”

“No she isn’t,” Keegan said, walking into the living room. “She went out for pizza with one of her girlfriends, she should be back in a bit if you guys would like to stay and wait.”

Keegan glared over at the little girl who was busy watching a cartoon. Her feet dangled over the couch and she kept bouncing them up and down like she was running a marathon. He felt the fire rekindling inside. If it wasn’t for that little mute he might not have had to kill Raven.

Raven, after becoming close with Casey had hoped to adopt her. Jerome, even though a wonderful man had struggled for many years with a drug addiction that just kept popping up. A few times the state had threatened to take Casey if he didn’t clean up. Opting for Raven to take her before anyone else, Jerome had agreed to eventually to let Casey live with her. At the first time Raven had mentioned it Keegan reacted with anger. There was no way he’d be bogged down by some kid that wasn’t his and on top of that the kid was a mute. Raven had pleaded with him to let Casey come live with them. Over and over she begged but he never gave in, nor did she ever stop pleading. Now she would never come live with him.

He smiled at the thought of it. Raven was now too a mute, only her case was a bit more extreme. Silenced forever. Casey looked over at Keegan and he immediately stopped smiling. The girls face, covered in the bluish glow of the TV displayed a painful look. Her eyebrows were arched and her small noise was crinkled. It was as if she knew something wasn’t right. Auntie Raven wasn’t there and there had to be something wrong.

Keegan gulped and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I-I think I’m going to bed,” Keegan said slowly. “Are you going to wait or what?”

“No, I think we’ll be going,” Jerome replied. “Sweetie, are you ready?”

Casey shook her had quickly.

“Come on, sweetie, Uncle Keegan is tired. We have got to go. Auntie Raven will be home tomorrow.”

Tears streamed down Casey’s cheek and she shook her head over and over.

“It’s okay if you want to stay till Raven gets home,” Keegan said.
“No, we’ve got to go.”

Jerome walked over and lifted Casey into his arms. She struggled a little bit, then placed her head on his shoulders and began to sob.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“She probably misses Raven,” Keegan said. “I’ll be sure to tell her you guys stopped by.”

Casey lifted her head up so she could see over Jerome’s shoulder as he toted her out the door.
Keegan grinned at her.

In the car Casey signed that she was sad. Casey, having learned sign language quite early rarely used it, except for with Raven.
“You’re sad?” Jerome asked. “Because Auntie Raven wasn’t home?”
She shook her head.
“Well why are you sad?”

Casey turned and stared out the window. Jerome sighed and pulled out of the driveway. Casey stared back at the house where she so often visited until finally it vanished from view.

Keegan made sure the door was locked then went back to the kitchen.
He looked down at the lumpy tarp, his eyes transfixed on the blood leaking out of the side.

“You bitch!” he screamed. “You no good, two-bit whore! Why won’t you just disappear?” Kicking the tarp a few times, he finally felt the anger ebb. It was time to get this over with.

Almost like he had carried her into the hotel room on their honeymoon, Keegan cradled Raven’s corpse close to his. He began to laugh. Not just a tiny giggle, but if he wasn’t carrying a dead body he would have been keeled over slapping his knees. After the hysterical laughter stopped he placed Raven in the back of the pickup’s bed. With the tailgate securely shut and the tonneau cover latched down, Keegan drove out to his favorite hiking spot.

The drive took a few hours. Each mile marker Keegan passed, the better he felt. He was driving into a new future. Sometimes Keegan felt himself drifting off into a half-sleep state. He’d immediately stop and get out, stretch and return to driving. He reached his destination around 4:30 A.M.

It seemed to take even longer dragging the body and shovel all the way back in the dense woods. Every so often he’d get snagged on something and let out a few good profane words just for good measure. The twigs cracked beneath his feet and the leaves rustle overhead as he came to the small clearing that would make up Raven’s grave. It would be where she forever lay, and he had been meticulous in his planning of where just to bury her.

He tossed Raven off his shoulder and immediately began digging up soil with the shovel. As he was digging he took comfort in the cool breeze that was whipping through the trees, if it would have been daylight and hot, he wasn’t sure if he could have done such a labor-intensive job. He dug until his hands blistered. He got the job done quickly and crawled out the hole.

“Goodbye sweetie. I love you.” Keegan began shoveling the dirt over his former wife. If there was a better feeling than what Keegan felt standing on top of the fresh grave of his ex-wife, he certainly hadn’t felt it before. It was absolute bliss.

Keegan tilted his head toward the stars and began laughing.

In the warmth and comfort of her bed, fast asleep, Casey dreamt of monsters. Human monsters.
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Old 08-24-2004, 05:39 PM   #2
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Where is part one?

For some reason it felt lacking in emotion. Kind of barren. Maybe I was just distracted??

Despite that I liked it and would read more.
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:19 AM   #3
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Hi,

I really liked this. The writing is excellent and I like the coldness with which you are writing from his viewpoint. It shows that he is cruel...maybe even sociopathic.

I'd love to read more. Hope you post again.

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Old 08-25-2004, 08:29 AM   #4
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Scroll down a litte ways and you'll see it.

But here is the link to part one.

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=6196

Also, thanks for the feedback.
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Old 08-26-2004, 01:43 PM   #5
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Instead of quoting parts I don’t like and making suggestions, I just decided to go through the whole thing and make the changes I wanted. I hope you don’t mind, but I was lazy and this way is a whole lot easier. I didn’t bother marking my changes, but being the writer, it should be fairly simple for you to spot them.

------

The doorbell rang again. It was louder than any 200-string symphony playing in a compact auditorium ever sounded. Keegan, sweat pouring down his face, instantly dropped Raven’s corpse and looked around frantically. He had made it a point to turn all unnecessary lights off and shut all the blinds and curtains. If the person ringing the doorbell was just a neighbor they’d leave the house after a few rings. But if it were the one who had been causing all the problems between him and Raven, the home-wrecking son of a bitch would let himself in.

Raven’s brother, Jerome White, had been plaguing Keegan’s marriage to Raven ever since their honeymoon. Him and his tiny bitch of a daughter. Raven had been so kind to Jerome and had assissted him in raising Casey ever since she was born. When Casey had been born a mute, Raven had been right there to comfort him. The child was eight years old now and had been coming over almost daily. Red hair vibrant and bouncy, she would trot in with such enthusiasm that Jerome didn’t dare to refuse her the visits. The little girl had a bond with her aunt that she didn’t have with Jerome. He didn’t mind though, seeing his little girl happy and smiling took away some of the pain he felt when he thought about her future.

The doorbell rang again and Keegan hustled out of the kitchen, flicking the light off as he went. He sprinted to the bathroom and began scrubbing at his blood stained shirt like he had an unbearable itch. When the blood wouldn’t come out he ripped off his shirt and threw it in the bathtub.

---

Jerome used a key he had received from Raven and creaked the door open. Casey eagerly tried to maneuver around her large father. He held her back and stepped inside. It was pitch black.

“Hello?” Jerome shouted. “Anyone home?”
“Yeah,” a voice replied from a distance. “I’ll be right there.”

Casey pushed through and ran into the living room. Even though it was completely dark she knew exactly where everything was. Her frequent visits had let her commit it all to memory. She plopped onto the couch and padded around for the remote. She clicked it on. The room lit up with a flickering, bluish glow.

“Honey, I don’t think you should just barge in like t-” Jerome was cut off by a sharp look from Casey. “Okay, I guess there is no harm, but I don’t think Auntie Raven is here.”

“No she isn’t,” Keegan said, walking into the living room. “She went out for pizza with one of her girlfriends, she should be back in a bit if you guys would like to stay and wait.”

Keegan glared over at the little girl who was busy watching a cartoon. Her feet dangled over the couch and she kept bouncing them up and down like she was running a marathon. He felt his anger rekindling inside. If it wasn’t for that little mute he might not have had to kill Raven.

Raven, after becoming close with Casey had hoped to adopt her. Jerome, even though a wonderful man, had struggled for many years with a drug addiction that just kept coming back. A few times the state had threatened to take Casey if he didn’t clean up. Opting for Raven to take her before anyone else, Jerome had agreed to let Casey live with her. At the first time Raven had mentioned it Keegan reacted with anger. There was no way he’d be tied down by some poor mute kid that wasn’t even his. Raven had pleaded with him to let Casey come live with them. Over and over she begged but he never gave in, nor did she ever stop pleading. Until now. So now Casey could never come to live with him.

He smiled at the thought of it. Raven was now a mute, too; he’d silenced her forever. Casey looked over at Keegan and he immediately stopped smiling. The girls face, covered in the bluish glow of the TV displayed a look of pain. Her eyebrows were arched and her small noise was crinkled. It was as if she knew something wasn’t right. Auntie Raven wasn’t there and there had to be something wrong.

Keegan gulped and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I-I think I’m going to bed,” Keegan said slowly. “Are you going to wait or what?”

“No, I think we’ll be going,” Jerome replied. “Sweetie, are you ready?”

Casey shook her had quickly.

“Come on, sweetie, Uncle Keegan is tired. We have got to go. Auntie Raven will be home tomorrow.”

Tears streamed down Casey’s cheek and she shook her head over and over.

“It’s okay if you want to stay till Raven gets home,” Keegan said.

“No, we’ve got to go.”

Jerome walked over and lifted Casey into his arms. She struggled a little bit, then placed her head on his shoulders and began to sob.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“She probably misses Raven,” Keegan said. “I’ll be sure to tell her you guys stopped by.”

Casey lifted her head up so she could see over Jerome’s shoulder as he toted her out the door.

Keegan grinned at her.

In the car Casey signed that she was sad. Casey, having learned sign language quite early rarely used it, except for with Raven.

“You’re sad?” Jerome asked. “Because Auntie Raven wasn’t home?”

She shook her head.

“Well why are you sad?”

Casey turned and stared out the window. Jerome sighed and pulled out of the driveway. Casey stared back at the house where she so often visited until finally it vanished from view.

---

Keegan made sure the door was locked then went back to the kitchen.
He looked down at the lumpy tarp, his eyes transfixed on the blood leaking out of the side.

“You bitch!” he screamed. “You no good, two-bit whore! Why won’t you just disappear?” Kicking the tarp a few times, he finally felt the anger ebb. It was time to get this over with.

Almost like he had carried her into the hotel room on their honeymoon, Keegan cradled Raven’s corpse close to his. He began to laugh. Not just a tiny giggle, but if he wasn’t carrying a dead body he would have been keeled over slapping his knees. After the laughter had stopped he placed Raven in the back of the pickup’s bed. With the tailgate securely shut and the tonneau cover latched down, Keegan drove out to his favorite hiking spot.

The drive took a few hours. Each mile marker Keegan passed, the better he felt. He was driving into a new future. Sometimes Keegan felt himself drifting off into a half-sleep state. He’d immediately stop and get out, stretch and return to driving. He reached his destination around 4:30 A.M.

It seemed to take even longer dragging the body and shovel all the way back in the dense woods. Every so often he’d get snagged on something and let out a few good profane words just for good measure. The twigs cracked beneath his feet and the leaves rustle overhead as he came to the small clearing that would make up Raven’s grave. It would be where she forever lay, and he had been meticulous in his planning of where just to bury her.

He tossed Raven off his shoulder and immediately began digging up soil with the shovel. As he was digging he took comfort in the cool breeze that was whipping through the trees, if it would have been daylight and hot, he wasn’t sure if he could have done such a labor-intensive job. He dug until his hands blistered. He got the job done quickly and crawled out the hole.

“Goodbye sweetie. I love you.” Keegan began shoveling the dirt over his former wife. Standing upon the fresh grave of his ex-wife, he felt better than he’d ever felt in his life. It was absolute bliss.

Keegan tilted his head toward the stars and began laughing.
---

In the warmth and comfort of her bed, fast asleep, Casey dreamt of monsters. Human monsters.

---------

The one change I didn’t really like was the first line. I think it’s better the way I changed it, but the second part still feels a bit awkward. Like maybe it’s too long or something. I don’t know. But great work so far! I’m liking the story. I just thought it was a little strange that Casey has this sixth sense. But it’s still cool, especially the last line. That was great.
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