NoWorries

Lemonade
A Short Story
By Canyon Shearer
Sept 2002



Lee pulled over to the side of the Interstate; it was just after three in the morning. Looking in the rearview mirror he could vaguely make out the young lady illuminated in the brake lights and full moon. She walked to the passenger door of the onyx black pick-up.

“Where ya headed?” Lee inquired of the girl through the window.

“Albuquerque,” she said, “Or as close as you can get me.”

“Hop in, I’m going though there.” She tossed her two mid-size bags of luggage into the bed. They fell in with a small, black suitcase; shirtsleeves and tails were pinched in its lip. As she opened the door, Lee was in the process of shifting the pile of soda-cans, CD cases, and Subway wrappers to the center of the truck’s floor.

Glancing to the left, he pulled onto the Freeway, about three-quarters of a mile West of Flagstaff, Arizona. “It’s too cold to be standing outside on a night like this,” Lee said while turning up the heater, “and it looks like it might snow.” The girl didn’t answer as she put her hands up to the vents on the dash.

“I’m Lee,” he announced across the clammy darkness of the cab.

The girl glanced at him, and then extended her hand, “I’m Nicole.” Lee shook her hand gingerly, the icy feel of her skin soared through his veins and he shivered quietly.

On they drove, trees faded away and brush became dominate. As they passed a sign for “Meteor Crater”, a Shania Twain song came across the radio, “Home Ain’t Where his Heart is”, about halfway through the song Nicole reached over and turned the radio off.

“You know where I’m going, where are you going?” She asked abruptly.
“I’m not sure yet, Dallas maybe, or Wichita Falls. I haven’t decided.”

“Oh,” she said, accepting his reply as an invitation for her story. “I’m going to Albuquerque to live with my mother, me and my boyfriend just broke up.”

“Is that why you were standing on the Freeway in the middle of the night?”

“We didn’t break up well,” She said, glancing across the cab, her contempt lost in the dark. “I decided I just needed to go, right then. I just finished a Semester at NAU; I was studying to be a nurse. Now I don’t know. Can you turn the heat down? It’s getting pretty hot in here.” Lee turned the heat down, and she took her jacket off, depositing it against the front of the seat. “Anyways, I just need to get my life together, maybe take a few semesters off, find a job in Albuquerque.”

Lee wasn’t too interested at this point, his own thoughts were drowning hers. In an attempt to be polite he offered some strategic, Oh’s, and That’s interesting’s. For a few miles, there was silence. Nicole looked from the road, to the silent CD player, and back to the road.

“What kind of CD’s do you have?” Lee turned on the dome light, and handed her the CD case, and said there were some cases on the floor. She flipped through it, apparently disinterested in the collections of Vivaldi, Wagner, Etta James, Nat King Cole, Jim Croce, Gerry Raferty, and Billy Joel. She paused momentarily on the leaflets devoted to Dire Straits, then continued thumbing. Glancing over, he saw she was looking at two James Taylor CD’s, this was the first time he’d seen her illuminated. She couldn’t have been twenty-one, she was average in weight, her dark blonde hair was trimmed neatly just below the ears, her eyes appeared to be a steel blue, but an ever present redness made that hard to determine. He couldn’t help but notice how nicely she filled out her baby blue sweater. Finally she spoke, “Do you have James Taylor’s new CD?”

“Yeah, it’s that last one.” He pointed, “It’s not very good though, at least compared to the others.” She slid it out of the case and into the CD player. She turned the volume control up, the music had not yet begun to play. She turned it up higher. A deafening reverberation of twangy acoustic guitar assaulted the cab. She quickly turned it down. The first song said something about a king and a queen, she thought about changing it, but decided to see where it was going. He leaned against the window, the frosty glass made her scrunch her nose. As the song progressed into a slow comfortable melody, she drew a heart in the forming haze with her nose.

Lee noticed this behavior and chuckled. She glared at him; her hurt look was masked by the darkness. They drove into the night. For nearly an hour, the only sound was the drone from the engine, and the happy melody from the speakers.

Nearing Winslow, Lee announced that he needed to get gas. She didn’t answer. He turned the light on, she was sleeping, her head propped up against the seatbelt shoulder harness. He took the first exit and found a gas station that looked open. Pulling under the lights, Nicole sat up and glanced sleepily around. “I’m getting gas, if you need to use the bathroom or anything, now is the time.” Lee said, as he was getting out of the truck. Glancing at the digital clock, it was just after five am.

Nicole got out a little after he did and wandered into the store. After fueling the truck, Lee went in to pay. Nicole was walking away from the counter, holding her stomach with her left hand, and reading the back of a small blue box in her right, she disappeared into the restroom. Lee gathered some snacks, a few bottles of Pepsi, and paid the cashier, a sleepy eyed teenager.

He sat in the truck, eating the first of his candy bars. It was almost twenty minutes before Nicole emerged from the bathroom, he was about to go check on her. She was empty handed as she got in the truck, her eyes were moist and bloodshot.

Not knowing what to say, Lee asked, “Are you ok?” She said she was, then gazed distantly out the side window. “I got you a Pepsi and a Snickers, I didn’t know if that would be ok, I’ll go get something else if you want.” She said it would be fine.

Lee pulled back onto the Interstate, a pinkish glow was replacing the deep blue, most of the stars had already faded out of sight. He looked at Nicole beside him to see if she was ok, she had fallen back asleep. A few minutes after getting under way, his cell phone rang. It was held to the dash with Velcro. The caller id prominently displayed the name ‘Suzi’ and a list of numbers.

Nicole stirred, and looked over at him. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

“No.” Lee said without taking his eyes off the road, the phone stopped ringing after the fifth ring, followed a moment later by a beep, signifying a message had been left.

Nicole returned to her sleeping position, but not for long. She retched, and looked helplessly at Lee. “Pull over.” She pleaded. Lee made a hasty deceleration to the rock strewn shoulder of the road. Nicole flung open the door and vomited before she could barely lean out. Lee threw off his seatbelt, opened the door, and ran around the rear of the truck. Nicole was finishing her first spell. Lee helped her out of the truck, and held her by the waist while she convulsed dryly. He lightly rubbed her back. She stood-up, once he was sure she was steady, he ran to the truck and got a Pepsi. Nicole swooshed it around a few times in her mouth, then spat into the desert.

She was crying by this time. “I didn’t tell you before, but I’m…”

Lee interrupted her, “I know.” And hugged her tight. From the inside of the truck, a cell phone rang, followed by a beep.

Underway again, Nicole chose to listen to a Jimmy Buffet CD, she had more than enough to choose from, the last six pages of Lee’s CD case were dominated by Parrot Head culture.

The cell phone rang. “Who’s Suzi?” asked Nicole as she took a bite of her Snickers bar.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” was all that Lee returned.

The cell phone beeped. Nicole sang along to Margarittaville.

The illumination of the Eastern sky continued, the pink dominated the sky now, a fluffy set of clouds high in the atmosphere displayed a brilliant purple.

The phone didn’t ring again until the sky had assumed the blue that it would maintain for the rest of the day. Nicole looked at the phone, then at Lee. She snatched the phone from the dash. Lee shouted no, just as Nicole accepted the call. This outburst kept Nicole from saying hello.

“Lee! Don’t hang up!” A female voice emanated from the telephone after a brief silence.

Nicole couldn’t constrain herself anymore. She held the phone up to her ear, muffling Suzi’s voice, and said, “This isn’t Lee.” Nicole listened. “Oh no! It’s nothing like that. I can assure you. He’s just giving me a ride.” Nicole looked at Lee, he was glaring and his face was red with anger. “I don’t think he wants to talk right now.” Nicole looked back at Lee. “Ok, I’ll tell him.”

“Which button do I push to hang up?” Asked Nicole. Lee reached over and turned the stereo up all the way, “Come Monday” was never meant to be heard at that many decibels.

Nicole turned the volume down. Lee turned it back up. Nicole turned it down.

“She told me to tell you…” Lee covered his right ear and pretended to read the signs as they passed through Gallup.

The telephone rang. Nicole answered it before the first ring had stopped. “No, he won’t listen.” Silence. “We’re in Gallup, New Mexico.”

The expletive carried far from the speaker of the phone. “I’ll try again.” Nicole hung up.

“She wants you to come back.”

Lee took a deep breath.

“She says you will work this out.”

Lee exhaled.

“She says she loves you.”

Lee snickered under his breath.

“She says you know you don’t want this, but you need to talk about it.”

The telephone rang. “Hello,” Nicole answered, “yes, I told him. Just a sec.”

She covered the receiver, “She wants to talk to you.” She handed the phone across the cab.

Lee hung up.

The phone rang a few seconds later, Lee hung up. Nicole snatched the phone back. The battery light was flashing. “Where is the charger?”

“Phoenix.” Lee laughed.

The phone rang. Nicole immediately said, “The batteries are about to die. I’ll try to talk to him and have him call you from a payphone.” Nicole Paused. “Ok, I will.” She paused again. “Hello? Are you still there.” Nicole held the phone up, the display was blank.

“Lee, she sounds like she loves you. Don’t you think you should talk to her about this? She really wants to talk.”

Lee glared. “She got us into this, it’s not my fault.”

“Do you want to talk to me about this? What did she get you into?”

“She said she was taking them.” Lee yelled into the windscreen. “That liar! If she was taking them, this wouldn’t have happened!”

Nicole thought she understood. “Those things aren’t fool-proof you know..” Nicole ended in a whisper, “I know.” and looked down at her lap, then quickly out the side window.

Lee glared at her. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The distance between Gallup and Albuquerque can be done quickly at ninety-five miles per hour. Occasionally Nicole would look pleadingly at Lee, he stared straight ahead. She dared not change the CD’s when the Jimmy Buffett CD ended.

As they reached the city limits of Albuquerque, Lee asked where they were going.

“Please pull over at a gas station, I need to call my mother first.” Lee pulled into a no-name gas station. He gave her some change from the center console and Nicole got out and went to a phone. Lee looked around, the sports car setting next to him had a child seat in the front. The old man looked delighted as he walked from the store to the car with an infant perched atop his shoulders.

Nicole ran back to the truck, almost skipping. Ok, let’s go. The drive to her house was not long, fifteen minutes later they were pulling into a driveway. An older woman stood on the porch with her hands clasped firmly at her chest. Nicole ran to greet the woman. Lee stepped out of the truck. After a long hug, Nicole introduced Lee to her mother.

“Is this the father?” asked Nicole’s mother.

“No, mom, he’s not.” Nicole admitted.

“That’s too bad, he looks like he’d make a fine father.” Said Nicole’s mother.

Lee pulled Nicole’s bags from the back of the truck. Nicole stepped up to him, “Thank you for the ride, Lee.” And hugged him. She gazed knowingly into his eyes and kissed him on the cheek. Nicole stepped back, retrieved her bags, and marched directly into the house.


Leaving Albuquerque, Lee turned his truck West, and with the sun at his back, went determinedly, if not surely, down the road.

Selorian

NoWorries, that was a terrific story. The dialogue was really good and believable. The only thing I noticed to give a comment on is a couple mispelled words but other than that I think you did a great job. I will be looking for more of your writing now after reading this. Keep up the good work.

chapel

That was great. You could feel their emotions and see it all. Kudos on the great story, and on not concluding the story, sometimes stories dont always end the way you want or think.

Anyways keep up the good work, I will keep looking for stuff you post.

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asdar

Great story. I really liked the way you gave both characters some real depth.

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NoWorries

Thanks for the kind words. It's motivated me to submit it again, to the same formidable writing magazine that I have another work submitted.

I did another revision, probably about the 12th draft of this story, the most I've ever done, and corrected a few spelling mistakes, a coule of grammar things, and deleted about twenty five unneccessary adjectives.

Critiques at this point are greatly appreciated, especially in the area of semantics.

Cheers!

NoWorries

Alright, I've made my final revisions. I'm going to send it off tomorrow. Any last minute corrections you think I should make?

Also, the title was thrown on it when I originally wrote it because my instructor said it had to have a title. I've never really felt this one did it justice, but at the same time, it's grown around the story.

Thanks!

Judy

I suggest you read A Time To Kill. No teenie bopper wrote that moving story. Some of his later lawyer-money books aren't in the same league, but compared to much of what else is out in print form, John Grisham can tell a story.

ostersauce

That's a damn good story.
Well done, I say.

on a side note, what's a guy young enough to be mistaken for the boyfriend of a college-aged girl got all that old music for? Who under 30 owns six pages of Jimmy Buffet? (Well, who at all owns any Jimmy Buffet?)

NoWorries

Judy, I've seen that movie, and I believe it's probably a pretty good book.

Several of my friends get caught up in the "now" writers, like that new guy that wrote the DaVinci Code, I can't think of his name. I read a few chapters of my sisters book and found it terribly predictable and couldn't read anymore.

Where I relate Mr. Grisham to the popular singers of today, is in his writing for what is popular. I don't feel like he's passionate about what he's writing, just that he know's it will sell. Another example is the guy that wrote "Along came a Spider", I can't think of his name, but that book was great, but his new stuff is just a rehash, in my opinion.

I used to read Tom Clancy before he became the writer of "The Sum of All Fears" and all of the sudden, he's supposed to be the conspiracy expert. It's not what I think writing should be and I shun it.

Ostersauce, good point! I don't know why I never realized that before. I'm not exactly sure how old this guy is, I've wondered if that would add to the story if I added a line that he was running away from college, or if he had few enough obligations that he could pick up shop with little repercussion.

I modeled the CD case after my own(which I lost in Glasgow!!!!), now I realize that the full on description may be a little much...or at the very least, maybe I should change some of the names to newer stuff. I kinda wanted to keep it timeless, if I put a band like Silverchair in there(popular when I wrote it) people might have no idea who I'm talking about. Everytime I read the line about James Taylor's new cd I cringe, it was supposed to be a hot CD when it came out, and everyone was dissapointed in it when it came out. Now, even only two years later, everyone has forgotten that. I should change that line.

Thanks for reading.

Dairy Pharmer

I love it. I'm only 23 but I listen to everything so I know who Jimmy Buffet and James Taylor are. I don't think I'd change a thing! Keep writing.

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NoWorries

I've finally gotten enough motivation to get this all dressed up and submitted again, I've already written the cover letter to Playboy. Eek. I want to aim high for a story I'm so proud of, and I want to send it off today or tomorrow or I'll never send it again.

A couple things I'd like some special critique on, I changed the second to last paragraph around quite a bit,

I always thought it was a weak point and am wondering if the changes I made might have redeemed it.

I keep changing the name of Lee's girl, it was Susie, after a real girl, then it became Susanne, and now I've changed it to Suzi, is this a believable name? I like Susanne when I first put it in, then I completely hated it after I read it a few times. I think Suzi works but I want your opinions.

And I appreciate past critiques and have always been told that the dialogue is believable, I love this dialogue, it's one of my favorites I've written, but I always stumble over two parts,

She originally 'shot back' and I hated that, I refuse to use the word retort, but I'm still not happy with what she did, any suggestions?

Does that dialoque read right? It seems kinda forced, but I have no idea how to fix it.

And lastly, I left in the list of musicians, I toyed with cutting it, but couldn't figure out which ones I wanted to leave and which ones I wanted to lose. I think it works the way it is, because there are lots of people with tastes that ecclectic, I just hope it works for this character.

Thanks again everyone for the help.

zaoshang

Brilliant story! I remember I read this post several weeks ago, and enjoyed it very much. I particularly like the ending.

You're quite a perfectionist The passages you've mentioned sound right to me. Anyway, here are some suggestions.

Perhaps you could cut off "Lee never said a thing" because it's redundant. If we don't hear him saying anything, we assume he didn't... Though I'm not very sure about that

Maybe like this?
Or better: instead of saying that she was angry, you could show some detail on her face/eyes/hands to suggest her emotion.

You could say:
In this dialogue, "Nicole admitted" seems redundant. Nicole's mother talks first, then we hear "No, mom, he's not," -- it's obvious it's the daughter talking. I'd say this would be clear enough:
I feel Susie or Suzi would fit your character better than Nicole.

But I'd say all this is minor. Your story is excellent, really. Good luck with your submission.

Queasy Dillo

Hmmm...I somehow missed this one.

Oh well. I'm impressed. Your characters, their dialogue, and their situations are believable. Detail is nicely done, which always struck me as being the toughest part of writing short stories.

Wish I'd found this earlier. As for critiquing, it sounds like other readers have it more or less pinned down.

Nicely done.

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kerpoe

Okay well frankly I didn't see a point in the story, or much captivating conflict in any of the charaters.

But...I love your style, it is very simple, yet believable, pure and innocent...now I'm a sucker for the open road (On The Road by Jack kerouac is my favorite book which inspired me to write...ever heard of that book?read it) so I feel I have contemplated the way of the travelling man quite well and I think you captured that sort of "way" very well.

Good choice of music and your descriptions of Nicole gave her that sort of Marilyn Monroe mystique so hard to give to a modern charater in these impure, and tainted modern times

keep on scribbling I like your voice alot

KERpoe

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NoWorries

Zaoshang, thanks for reading and answering my questions. I am going to take several of them to heart and implement them:

I agree completely! I've always looked at that little piece tacked onto the end and wondered why I didn't like it. After you pointed it out, I realize that it's pretty much there to say, "Just in case I didn't describe this well enough, here is my brief summary." I'm going to clip it for now and read it a few more times before I finally decide if it's entirely unnecessary. Somewhere in the back of my mind it feels like it may be important to close that verse, but at the same time, it could just be filler.

I'm going to try that. What I'm thinking right now is, 'She said while glancing across the cab, her contempt lost in the dark.'

What do you think?

I love the way you reworded it! It's exactly what I was looking for, I like the way it makes it sound like he SHOUTS out the first part, then quiets back to a reasonable level. It's exactly what I was looking for.

I can see what you mean, but when I considered removing that modifyer my heart shouted NO! The way I've always read it was that the "admitted" makes her statement a little more melancholy, I always got the picture of her glancing down at the ground when she said it. This may be a problem with me, I've read the story so many times and am so hopelessy in love with Nicole and proud of Lee that maybe I'm seeing things that aren't really there.

I want to leave the "she admitted" in, but now I'm concerned that I don't have the feeling in that passage as I thought was there.

Did you get the feeling at the end that Nicole was dissapointed that Lee was already entwined with another girl and that he was leaving her in Albuquerque? If not, I need to rewrite the end to include that, as I feel it's an important plot detail.

Suzi is the girl back in Phoenix, named for a real girl is the reason I originally changed the name to Susanne, but it didn't feel like it fit her right. Like a said above, I'm too in love with the name Nicole to be able to change it this late in the game.

Thanks again for reading.

Queasy Dillo, thanks for reading and taking the time to reply.

Kerpoe, thanks for reading and your interesting comment.

It brings me back to why this is my favorite story. The plot was an assignment from Amy J. Miller, a prominent writer, who has far fewer published stories than she deserves. She told me to pick a plot that two people could share, that neither wants to talk about, and neither knows the other had. Then stick them in a confined space.

The reason I like that so much is that there is a huge underlying plot, that never gets explored in text, so it is my job to make sure it comes out. I love the fact that the characters are attempting to triumph over something that I never admit is actually there. When my mom read this story in it's original form, I am pretty sure she was completely oblivious to the pregrancy of either girl(I actually made it a little more obvious after she read it), when my dad read it, I think he understood, but it was too tabboo for him to openly speak about. Others have instantly known the plight of the characters. The psychology aspect of watching people read this is one of the reasons I like it so much. Perhaps in future years it could replace the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2, the prominent test for determining if someone is crazy or not. lol

Anyways, enough of me praising the design of the story, a design that I think everyone should try to write at least once in their life. It has made me appreciate writing all the more. I tried to write a challenge for it, but it didn't generate any interest.

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtop...?p=39261#39261

I appreciate your compliments, I love writing about the open road, but have the issue that all of my stories about it end up feeling generally the same, I need to work on my conflict in them as you pointed out, but I do agree, I love the open road. I haven't read that book yet, but you mentioned it a few weeks ago and I ordered it, it came in on Christmas eve, but I've been caught up in another book and will read it as soon as possible.

Thanks again everyone.