Short Story- "Route 68" - Writers Forum

Novicewriter · 07-22-2004, 04:56 PM

This one is entitled Route 68... I think it's a good, scary story. So here it is:

Route 68

THUD! The 1977 Chevy had been going nearly 80 when Nikki Grayson hit something in the road. “What was that?” she slammed on the brakes. The car came to a screeching halt in the middle of a darkened road. She immediately threw the car in reverse and backed up.
Nikki Grayson was a pretty woman in her early twenties. She had sparkling blue eyes like that of the ocean, a seductive smile and short dark blond hair just above her eyes. She was supposed to be going to a party, but somehow ended up on Route 68. How she got there, she couldn’t figure out, but she had hit something.
She stopped the car, got out and looked around. It was too dark to see at any kind of distance. “Great,” she sounded disappointed. “Now what?” she threw up her hands.
Nikki started walking back to her car, which was only a few feet away. She peered around the front of her CAMARO and couldn’t see any type of damage. “Well,” she said to herself. “Guess it was nothing.”
Nikki walked around to the other side of the car and noticed a trail of blood. It looked fresh too, and she nearly lost her breath. “What did I do?” Nikki looked concerned. She carefully approached the trail of blood and followed it.
Just off the side of the road lay a motionless body. Nikki immediately threw both hands on her head in horror. Her jaws dropped to the ground, looking at the lifeless body. “Oh no,” Nikki nearly started loosing control. “What have I done?” She stood just a few feet from the body. She wanted to see if he was even alive but was scared to even think about it.
She stood, staring at the body for a good five minutes and happened to turn around towards her CAMARO. In the distance it looked as if someone was approaching at a fast rate of speed. Nikki immediately hurried to her car, and waited for whoever it was coming. It was a wrecker or some kind, but she couldn’t make out the sign. There was an older man with a long white beard who rolled down his window.
“You need help?” he asked in a rough sounding voice.
“Actually I do,” Nikki was cautious enough to keep her distance.
“Well,” the man opened his door. It creaked as he opened it, sending shivers all through Nikki’s body. He stepped off onto the ground and started walking. “Let’s see what we got here.”
Nikki noticed the man was walking with a limp. It looked as if his left lag was bad or something, but she couldn’t quite tell. The man slowly walked towards the hood of her car and stopped.
“What’s the problem here?” he scratched his head.
“Not sure,” Nikki was feeling rather nervous and not sure if she should even trust the guy. “I was on my way to a party and ended up on this road somehow.”
The man, who was wearing a blue jumper outfit studied her CAMARO. He looked around a bit, and noticed the left headlight had blood. “Looks like you got a big problem here lady,” he sounded concerned.
“What’s that?” Nikki pretended not to know what he was talking about.
“You hit someone. What exactly were you doing?”
Nikki acted surprised, but knew exactly what she had done, although she was trying to hide it. She looked at the man, and walked around the other side of the car. She was close by the driver’s door. “Well like I said, I was on my way to a party, and stopped at the gas station about ten miles back. They told me about this road.”
The man happened to look over to his left and noticed the body as well. He turned his attention back on Nikki. “Looks like we gotta go back into town,” he sounded serious.
“Why is that?” Nikki was scared and had started shaking. “P. please tell me why.”
The mechanic walked up towards the body, stopped and turned his head towards Nikki. He turned his head back around, looked down at the body and poked around. Nothing happened, which was a good thing. “Looks like he’s dead,” the mechanic sounded optimistic.
Nikki was standing, arms folded and shaking. “Yeah,” she could barely speak from shaking so bad. “So what do,” she stumbled over her words. “Do we do now?”
The mechanic turned around, facing the CAMARO and slowly made his way from the body. As for Nikki, she was firm in standing right there. She was thinking however of getting in her car and driving off. As for the mechanic though, he was walking back to his truck and stopped just a few feet from it.
“What next?” Nikki asked another question because she wasn’t sure if the mechanic had even heard her.
“Well,” he scratched his head. “Guess you can follow me into town, get someone out here to collect the body. Not much else we can do.”
For a moment, Nikki felt as if she could trust the old man and even stepped back away from the car. She turned away and started walking towards the man. She seemed actually happy. “Thank you for coming out and helping me.”
“Not a problem miss,” he tipped his hat.
Just then Nikki’s eyes widened. The mechanic gave a confused look, not knowing what was going on. Nikki saw the “dead” person rise and was now standing a few feet from the old man. He looked at her like, what now? Is there anyone behind me or something? All Nikki could do was point.
The old man turned around, but it was too late. The mystery person was just a foot away. He didn’t seem to have a face, from what Nikki could tell. He was however wearing an old tan trench coat and wearing a wide-brimmed hat. “No,” Nikki screamed at the top of her lungs.
The faceless man reached out with his burnt looking hands and grabbed the old man’s throat. He was trying his best to fend off the creature but was no match for his strength. As for Nikki, she immediately opened the door, climbed in and was out of breath.
She was frantically searching for her keys, but she couldn’t seem to find them. Looking out in the darkness, she could barley make out the mystery man. From her viewpoint, it looked as if the old man had gone down. Nikki wasn’t about to find out either, because she was trying to escape.
As soon as the creature was done with his deed, he turned towards the CAMARO and lifted his hat. Underneath lay the face of a deformed man, with his mouth all twisted. Even his skin looked burned, but it was too hard to distinguish in the darkness. Nikki froze in terror and couldn’t move. Her arms and legs had become dead weight now.
The creature replaced his hat upon his head, and looked towards the wrecker. He didn’t seem to want anything with Nikki, or so it seemed. For a second though, Nikki felt like she could move and tried searching for the keys once again. They were on the passenger seat the entire time. She quickly grabbed the keys, and started the car.
The CAMARO sped off at an enormous rate of speed, Nikki never looked back. She was concentrating on finding a way back to the main highway. It seemed useless though because there were no signs for miles. “What happened?” Nikki said to herself. “Just calm down now,” she said. Nikki had been breathing hard the past few minutes now.
She happened to look into her rearview mirror, making sure no one was following her. Then a flash of light illuminated the night sky. It distracted Nikki to the point, she lost control of the car. It spun around three times before coming to a rest on the side of the road. At first, Nikki didn’t realize what had happened. She was a bit disoriented, and looked around the car. Everything was too queit and eerie.
She slowly opened the door, got out and stood in the middle of the road. Another flash danced across the sky but it was only lightning. Nikki felt some better, but her car had hit the side of a mountain or something. Nikki didn’t realize it until she walked towards the car. The right side was completely totaled, and there didn’t seem to be any help in sight.
“Let me see if it will start,” Nikki thought it might be of some use. She slowly made her way back to the driver’s side, climbed in but her head hurt and was pounding. Nikki tried starting the car, but it was no good.
After a few tries, Nikki had all but given up and lay her head on top of the steering wheel. She was tired, and could have easily gone to sleep. Just then though, she noticed a bright light and thought it was lightning. This time however, it was the same wrecker from earlier. She froze almost instantly and waited, hoping it would keep going. To her chagrin, the wrecker stopped but nothing happened. The driver didn’t even attempt to exit the vehicle.
Nikki was able to regain her composure and attempted to start her CAMARO again. Still no success, but the door on the wrecker opened. Nikki turned her head that way and was frantic. She was trying everything in her power to start the car. The deformed man made his way towards the car. He was slow enough that Nikki could possibly get the car started.
There was no hope for her, and she was ready to give up. The man grew closer and closer with each passing second. Nikki kept trying and trying, but didn’t have any success. The man was about to reach for the door handle when the car started.
“Yes,” Nikki was obviously happy about that.
The deformed man quickly made his way back to the wrecker, got in and started off too. Nikki was just about ten seconds in front when the wrecker closed in on her bumper.
“Leave me alone,” Nikki screamed but it did no good. She tried going faster, but the damage was too severe and prevented her from going any faster.
The wrecker bumped her from the rear, trying to make the CAMARO run off the road. The deformed man watched from his point of view, and knew there was a large, sharp curve up ahead. He appearently had traveled this road several times, and knew what he was doing.
From inside her car though, Nikki tried speeding up once again but it was useless. She did notice the wrecker slowed down, which of course made her feel better. Without warning though, the wreckers made one last ditch effort and bumped her with the most extreme force.
“No,” Nikki screamed and tried to regain control of her CAMARO. It was too late though. Her car had knocked out a guard rail and careened off the cliff. The car sailed through the air and fell to earth with a hard crash. From a distance, the deformed man could see a large ball of fire rise up, and he knew.
The wrecker stopped, and from the inside, the deformed man removed his hat once more, revealing his grotesque face. He actually smiled and “scored” another so called victory. He drove off in search of new victims.

WiCkEd · 07-22-2004, 07:44 PM

Pretty good. I would however, suggest that you polish up your grammar some. Also, I noticed a lack of identifiers, which could eventually lead to mass confusion if you were to have multiple characters speaking.
Overall the story was pretty good. Good job.

Novicewriter · 07-22-2004, 09:46 PM

Thank you...This story was kind of spur of the moment...I guess I was trying to get it written in a short period of time. Again, thank you for the advice and I will definitely work on my grammar.

Novicewriter (Bill)

SallytheRagDoll · 08-01-2004, 01:47 AM

Wow!! Great job! It totally kept my attention the whole time!! Wonderful work!

Deadally · 08-01-2004, 08:18 AM

It kept my attention, as well. It was a rather intense story, but it seems to have been written like I write, rushed. A little revision of phrases and words would make this story even better. For example,

"had been going nearly 80"

This phrase disrupted the flow of the paragraph. To me, "the spedometer read 80" sounds better, and it's not so in your face, which is hard to describe.

"Nikki Grayson was a pretty woman in her early twenties. She had sparkling blue eyes like that of the ocean, a seductive smile and short dark blond hair just above her eyes."

This could use some revising, as well. It's simple, though...

"Nikki Grayson was a pretty woman in her early twenties with sparkling blue eyes like the ocean, a seductive smile and short dark blond hair just above her eyes."

You see? I thoroughly enjoyed your story, but some technique issues were apparent, that's all. A revision or two would pick up the others, I think

Bluenoseuk · 08-01-2004, 02:59 PM

Yes, I like it. It kind of reminds me of the Jeepers Creepers film. I'm not saying that you're copying that or anything, but did you get inspiration from that? I thought it was well written, I found it very interesting...you never know you could take it even further...

Novicewriter · 08-01-2004, 03:07 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so very much. Trust me, i'm going to work on it...just wanted to get something written and then see if anyone liked it..and well you did

which makes me feel really good. Now if only I could write more stories like that and get them published somewhere...Does anyone know how or where I can find a publisher of short stories? I have writers market but not sure which way to go...thanks again,

Novicewriter (Bill)

Joseph · 08-05-2004, 10:25 PM

I agree that this is a very interesting story and kept me hooked through the end to find out what happened. With a little work on grammar and structure, this has quite a bit of potential. Good job, and thank you for sharing it with us. Feel free to post it again after you've revised it a bit. I'd enjoy seeing your finished product.

Novicewriter · 08-05-2004, 10:41 PM

Thank you Joseph...I will work on it when I get a chance

. If I wanted to submit it how would I go about doing it? Or where? Any suggestions? Again, thank you so much.

Bill

jules · 08-06-2004, 09:41 AM

i agree, it's definitely a story that holds my interest! nice job!
xoxoxo

Novicewriter · 08-06-2004, 09:58 AM

Thank you for the kind words Jules... I plan on writing more short stories

....You never know what i'll come up with next....

Bill

kittykat327 · 08-07-2004, 09:47 AM

Different kept me going but left me wanting more. Who was this creature how did he get there and so on. But nicely wrote. Good work. See you soon.
Cathy

Novicewriter · 08-07-2004, 07:05 PM

Thank you again so much... As far as the monster goes, well I think you might see him again

You never know

I'm working on a second story entitled "Midnight" which has been posted.... Keep coming back for more.

Bill

nae411 · 08-08-2004, 11:31 PM

The story was interesting, as already mentioned you do need a little work here and there, but I think it is a good start. Hope to read more.

Nae

Novicewriter · 08-08-2004, 11:33 PM

Oh you will read more...Trust me on that one... I've posted a few others...