spiritfire123

technicly my third story, but im rewriting the second so ill just turn that into the 3rd. the 1st is kinda crapola and you dont wanna see that XD. its meant to be kinda scary, but not that much, like thriller scary rather than horror scary

alright then, enjoy....or at least i hope you do O_o.

http://www.deviantart.com/view/7996885/

comments and CC are very welcome, be as honest as youd like, i can take it

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http://spazma.deviantart.com/ <-my Deviant Art account

daniela

Your story is good, but I think that it would be much stronger if you took everything that is in the passive voice and changed it into the active voice. Other than that and a few minor grammatical mistakes, there really is not anything else to criticize. I enjoyed “Dirty” and look forward to reading more of your work.

--DM--

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

spiritfire123

thanks, ill try that with my other writing as i move to it. I just finished a 4 part story, still working out the rough edges but ill start posing it in a few days.
Dirty probably wont get much more work done to it, I wasnt a huge fan of the idea but it was ok so i made it into a bit of a drill which turned out better than usual so i saved it.

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http://spazma.deviantart.com/ <-my Deviant Art account