Ashlee

In My Life

The sand felt cozy beneath her feet as she happily admired a little girl and her Dad playing in the sand, giggles erupting from her little smiling face brought a subconscious joy to those who heard it. The washed out crash of waves breaking in the distance and the warm glow of the sun disappearing past the horizon created a perfect backdrop for a wonderful afternoon. Her distant eyes spanned across the panorama of beachscape that had surrounded her so many times before, and on most occasions allowed her dreamy mind to become lost in a sea of inescapable utopia. It was the world the old wished for and the world the young envied. It was the previous world. The lost world.

Elle Dowton was jolted out of her thoughts as a beer can noisily rolled along the rocks and came to rest on the side of her shoe. She sighed and picked up the bottom of her dress, reluctantly letting go of the memory the visited almost everyday. She knew her body was becoming frail and old, but nothing, not even one of those fancy-spangle-new-age health analysis pills could convince her that she was also becoming weak in the mind.

She kicked the can away in frustration of what the world had become and stepped onto the boardwalk that lead to the building entrance of the beach. The clickty-clack of her one-inch heels was the only sound accompanying the whirl of the breeze trailing up and down the shore, carrying with it a musty sea stench that irked most passersby. The automatic doors edged open as she approached the doorway before a flood of cool air hit her right in the face. She grimaced and continued to walk as she glanced at a sullen looking tourist perusing a travel brochure for the area in which she lived. Smiles were seldom these days, and she knew it, even in herself that it was becoming more and more true; her mind told her that she was becoming a grump like most others who were already there.

Her hands rummaged in her purse searching for some loose change to pay the toll on her way out. Elle stood in front of the door, struggling to latch onto the three dollar coin she knew was floating around down there. Finally, and after much fight, she took the coin and slotted it into the opening. The screen registered her payment and released the lock on the door, letting it slide open.

Before Elle could anticipate it she was immediately surrounded by the bustle of the late afternoon workers, barging and squeezing their way past, being careful not to get lost in the soup of big black jackets. She cursed internally, compassion for an elderly woman lay somewhere between the odds of slim to none, but if she was to get home, the battle for a place in the pack was the only option for a warm cooked meal in the evening.

*

It was close the five-thirty. The ringing of portable thumb phones were so consistent they could be compared to a two second alarm clock- every two seconds - on the dot- never to fail. The drone of city noise pollution took over her mind and made thinking a thing of the past. Car horns and disgruntled drivers taking part in pointless verbal slanging-matches signaled their feelings towards all matters concerning getting home. This was nothing new. In fact, it was common.

The evening was rapidly taking over, and the bustle just seemed to increase. Sirens could be heard in the distance. Things were speeding up suddenly. She ignored these changes and continued on her path, figuring that it was just that time of day.

Elle inhaled sharply and began to feel a little light headed as the thick impurities of the air invaded her senses. She realized it wasn't just that time of day. She glanced around quickly and splayed her sweaty fingers over the front of her dress as she tried to quicken her pace before the impulse to pass out took the best of her. The sidewalk so dense it caused instant claustrophobia. Passing conversations seemed inaudible. She heard nothing but the beating of her heart. And to most, her impending doom was to remain unknown. Only she could feel it. Her vision took a loop and trailed behind before it all caught up with a black streak that swam across her eyes. She wondered if it was becoming apparent to the oblivion around her. She staggered forward. Took another deathly breath and stopped. But it all kept going. Suddenly the beach was back and the little girl was tugging on the bottom of her dress. She dropped to her knees and still no one, no one at all. She was a wounded soldier on the enemy's turf no one could save.no one would save.

Silence.

Elle lifted her head ever so slightly and saw pink sand shoes amongst the black ocean. They were going against the flow. Coming towards her. Then black. The little girl took the bottom of Elle's dress and encouraged her to cross the sand. The sun beating down into her eyes.

Deafening sounds encircled every thread of her being. She tried to cover her ears, but failed when her hands yelled at her to remain upright. Her breathing was labored. Her face was contorting with an inexplicit kind of pain. Her eyes suddenly opened wide, the sight before her told her it must be a dream-or she was dead. The little face tilted as a small hand reached out and touched the side of Elle's cheek. Her eyes closed momentarily and before long she was being motioned to sit down next to the sand castle the little girl made. It was a kingdom Elle was told. A kingdom that was full of life and hope the world had never seen before. It was the plea of a little girl who didn't have the words to explain.

Her eyes inched open again and watched as the illusion of the small child disappeared into the gray swirl of pavement. A tear dropped from her chin as her head rolled up and looked into misty darkness of the evening for the last time . . .

Sparkling blue was the sky. Tropical green was the ocean. Golden yellow was the sand she would never forget and Elle was the little girl she saw in the distance.

**

What do you think?

Pawn

Not bad. Fairly well written. You competantly handled your closing paragraphs; the disjointed mixture of dream and reality merged almost seamlessly. Grammatically you might want to look this over again. By way of example I'll highlight some difficulties in the first paragraph (either I became less vigilent as I read on or such problems became less prevalent.. either way..):

Your first sentence feels odd, as you change the focus of 'her' from one usage to the next. When you say, 'The sand felt cozy beneath her feet as she happily admired a little girl..' we are happy, but then you add '..and her dad' which makes me have to look twice. A minor criticism, but something I personally avoid doing. This first sentence should also be two sentences. You've got two statements in there, and each one must be followed by a period. I would write it like this: "The sand felt cozy beneath her feet. She happily admired a petit girl, absorbed in a merriment of sand. Giggles came in waves, erupting from the child's joyous face and crashing in waves of well being upon her ears." Obviously, I have my own style, which is not yours, but essentially there I've broken your sentences into smaller parts, changed a few words and metaphorically expressed giggles as waves. As we're on the beach, it seemed appropriate.

Your next sentence was good. I looked twice at 'Her distant eyes spanned across the panorama' however. The verb 'to span' would generally be to fill, i.e. 'I spanned the gap'. Were I you, I'd replace it with: 'Her distant eyes skimmed/fluttered/gazed/panned/etc. across the panorama..' The rest is fine.

Forgive me for nitpicking, I hope you don't mind. It isn't something I usually do, but sometimes it genuinely does help to have ones sentence structuring criticised a little. In more general terms, I did enjoy reading this, which is the really important thing. I'm sure you'll continue writing; don't think twice about posting whatever it is you write.

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Ashlee

I don't mind at all. One of the main reasons I registered here is because I knew I could get honest feedback about my writing. I've been to many boards and posted my work only to get vague, unhelpful feedback.

You, however, have changed it all! And I mean that in a good way. I need criticism to improve, and you gave it to me. Thank you!

Oh! And I'm glad you enjoyed it.

__________________
Oh! Oh!

Pawn

Happy to help. I was in one of my more constructive moods. If I reply with to your next work with 'Not bad.' then you have my permission to demand more.

__________________
C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com