Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-09-2004, 12:15 PM   #1
Kat
Best Seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road-Honk if you see me!
Posts: 718
Kat is an unknown quantity at this point
Daisy

Just a cute little story.




White petals drifted towards the ground, falling like snow upon the green grass. One by one the listed aimlessly gravity pulling gently on their tender weight. The brilliant white contrasted deeply against the deep green. As each petal fell words drifted from the branches above.

“He loves me, he love me not” The sweet singsong voice echoed childhood innocence in it’s simple words. Not willing to accept a wrong answer the ground was littered in daisy carcasses. The bare stalks with golden heads lay like skeletons among the snow of torn skirts.

“He loves me!” Her triumphant voices echoed brokenly along the lane. With dangling skits and pigtails she deftly climbed down the trunk landing with a resounding thump. Clutched in her hand was her trophy. Its head listing brokenly across her knuckles she held it as if it were fine porcelain.

Her freckles danced jovially across her grinning cheeks. The summer sun glistened off her hair, celebrating with her. As she danced along the lane towards the house her unladylike tendencies bared themselves.

Freckled cheeks and glinting hair echoed in a taller form stood waiting in the doorway of the house. Her hand reached out, a smile on her face; she gently took her daughter’s hand.

“Mommy, mommy, I told you. See, he loves me.” Her pride and joy shined out with her childish exclamation.
A toothy grin spread across the woman’s face and with a wink she turned to her daughter.
“Was there ever any doubt? He’s your father.”
__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams
Kat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2004, 06:25 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 7
longboe
NOt too bad.

little nitpicks:

Quote:
One by one the listed aimlessly gravity
I'd be surprised if the the was not meant to be a theY. Oh, and you're missing a comma betwee aimlesssly and gravity.

Quote:
The brilliant white contrasted deeply against the deep green. As each petal fell words drifted from the branches above.
You've already used both words white and green two sentences prior to this. Gives a feeling of repetition.

And you forgot a comma between petal and fell.

Quote:
Not willing to accept a wrong answer the ground was littered in daisy carcasses. The bare stalks with golden heads lay like skeletons among the snow of torn skirts.
I'd join the two sentences together.

Quote:
With dangling skits and pigtails she deftly climbed down the trunk landing with a resounding thump.
I think you can spot the typo.

You missed another comma between pigtails and she, and another one between trunk and landing.

Quote:
Its head listing brokenly across her knuckles she held it as if it were fine porcelain.
For some reason this sentence doesn't read right.

Quote:
danced along the lane towards the house her unladylike tendencies
You need a comma in there.


Overall apart from the gramamr issues it's a sweet short. Not to shabby, but you don't seem to like commas
longboe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2004, 11:01 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16
Flotsam
I like it. Nice childish happy little story.

A few things:

- Don't describer her freckles twice
- Say a little more about her (hair color, height)


The descriptions were right on though, they gave the feel of the simpleness of a child, something we can all relate to.
Flotsam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-12-2004, 02:00 PM   #4
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,362
Kimberly Bird is an unknown quantity at this point
That was really cute, Kat. It brought out a smile in me.

Kimberly
Kimberly Bird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2004, 12:52 AM   #5
Kat
Best Seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road-Honk if you see me!
Posts: 718
Kat is an unknown quantity at this point
Thank you all. Umm I didn't describe her freckles twice the second was her mother. Just to show the similarities.....guess it didn't work as I was planning. Sorry, I actually just ran the spell check and that was the extent of my editing. It was late and it just kind of popped out. Kim, I'm glad it made you smile that was the point.
__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams
Kat is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:01 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers