The_Other_Jake

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It was cold and rainy, and just another day in the isolated town of Coolidge. It had been raining for days, and the narrow streets of the town were flooded, almost completely. As the rain falls harder with nickel-sized drops, there is one set of headlights struggling to peer through their murky thickness. A lone vehicle, a red pick-up, with barely enough power to cut through the water, hurriedly makes its way down the deserted boulevard toward home.

Two boys sit white knuckled in the bucket seats as they turn a corner. They swerve into opposite lanes and slide onto the soft, muddy shoulder and then speeding away in case anybody saw.

The cab of the truck is filled with intensity. Even though there are no words spoken, you could cut the tension with a knife. The rain is flat, heavy, and cold, enough to make any normal person anxious, if not just plain scared.
“I can’t believe you. I simply cannot merely begin grasping the idea of why you would do something so utterly stupid.” The driver says annoyed and mildly sarcastic. “ You need to explain this to me. Why…OH WHY am I out here in the pouring rain driving your drunken ass back home WHERE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!? You know you’re on house arrest! What time is it, like, two-thirty in the morning!?!”
The passenger sits quietly against the armrest as the pick-up rolls on down the now unpaved path.
“Two thirty-five, actually.” the passenger finally says in a drunken sigh of breath.
“Well...what ever time it is, you’re ass is grass once we get home. Mom is beyond pissed.”
“Seriously? Do you think they’ll kick me out?” the passenger replies.
The driver says nothing as he continues on his route down the dangerous road.
“Are you mad at me?” the drunk passenger breaks the silence as he tries to sit up straight and act as sober as possible
“…Dude, it's just that. You never…”
The drivers voice is cut off as a slick corner turns the truck into a top as the clutch pops and the tires lock up, sending it hurdling through a fenced barrier. Like one of those small town carnival tilt-a-whirls, the occupants of the truck are flung together in a huddled mass-of-human on the right side of the cab. The mud begins to break away from undernieth the truck's frame as it sits on the dirt banks of the Central ******* Project Canal. From inside the cab, a person could see the mud sliding down the sides of the canals' cement lined down-grades into the dark, cold, deep, debris free irrigation below. The water spills into underwater tornados due to the patented industrial grade steel fans that lurk a few feet below the waters' uneasy surface.
The car is silent as the rain pours down on the cab’s water beaded roof.
“…You all right?” the passenger says, shaken.
“…I think so…you?”
“ Yeah....yeah, I'm alright.”
The truck lights up once more and slowly backs out through the destroyed fence opening.
The occupants are silent the rest of the ride home until they finally pull into the sandy driveway.
“Hey…” the passenger says, breaking the silence once more, “ What if we died back there.”
“Then…that would undoubtedly suck.” The driver says taking the key out of the ignition.
“I mean, seriously.” The passenger continues, “ What if we drove right into that canal and died…and we just don’t know it yet. What if we died a mile or two back, and we are in heaven right now, and this is all it really is?”
Silence ensues

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Pawn

I like.

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C.A
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SKHargan

Definitely an interesting piece.

Here's what I liked about it:
- Tightly written. There's nothing in there that doesn't need to be. Everything seems to have its purpose, from establishing the two characters to what happens to the question that seems to be coming from a drunken haze, but is more profound than it seems at first glance.
- The present tense gives it a sense of immediacy that makes the question at the end even more poignant. In my opinion, a good use of a hard-to-use tense.
- Their conversation seems very real. They were believable people, and this is more difficult to pull off with such a short story.

Here's what could use a bit of work:
- There were a couple grammatical/punctuation errors that distracted me, but I'm like that. For example, "...I think so...you" should have a question mark. I'm easily drawn off track by these kinds of things, so I'm anal about them.
- A few of your descriptions felt a little...odd. Perhaps rushed is a good term. For example, "Two boys sit white knuckled in the bucket seats as they turn a corner, swerving into opposite lanes and sliding onto the soft muddy shoulder and then speeding away in case anybody saw." There's too much here to be one sentence, it would be more readable and therefore a more powerful descriptor if you broke it up. I'm a sucker for run-on sentences too, so I know how you feel, but they do detract from what is otherwise a very good bit of writing.
- The crash. this is the biggest problem I had with this story. It just...like I mentioned above, it feels like you rushed through it. Give it some time, give it a few sentences to describe what happened and, in doing so, give us a better sense of the reality of it. Show us why it shook them up. Don't just tell us that it did.

I hope that helps, and thanks for sharing with us.

-Shawn

Oopgrub

I liked it

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ShamSham04

That was a very intriguing short story. The characters seemed well developed in the short amount of time they are used, and their dialogue was very believable.

The final question and the everlasting silence was a well thought out climax. I love works that end with an interesting question, giving you the time to think, "What if?"

The only downfall of your story is the minor grammar errors and run-on sentences. This is easily fixable, so it's not that much to worry about. I'd suggest fixing them as soon as you get a chance though.

All in all, a nice short story. Good work.