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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 02-23-2004, 04:01 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Small village near Birmingham, England
Posts: 24
Blackdragonhide
The Demon Princess

Originally English homework...

The Cursed Abode, that's where she dwells.......

[disc:98ab61c630]
--!-- WARNING --!--
This short story contains scenes of violence and gore, please [url=http://www.writingforums.com]go back to the homepage[/ur] if you do not wish to read this story.
[/disc:98ab61c630]

The night birds cooed in the trees and the moon shone through the branhes, casting an eerie light on the whole forest - everything reminded the four friends they shouldn't be there.
They walked slowly through the undergrowth, all of their eyes darting around the watchful trees searching nervousluy for those millions that seemed to be upon them. Jim, a young bo of fourteen with longish brown hair and walnust brown eyes; Matt, a best friend of Jims with short black hair and darting silver eyes; Amy, a girl with long blonde hair and caring blue eyes; and Kess, a second girl with short ginger hair tied back in a bun and browny red eyes.
"We shouldn't be here," Jim protested uneasily. "We shoudl't have come out here in the first place..."
"Stop it, Jim, you're making me scared," Amy protested. She shivered, although she didn't know if it w2as from the cold or not.
"I swear it was out here somewhere," Kess said slowly. She scratched her hair with deathly black nails and sighed in vain.
Matt stopped and looked at her. She returned his gaze.
"What is it?" She asked.
"You're lost, aren't you?" Matt said.
"What?"
"No!"
The others exclaimed in fear, although Kess said nothing. She simply stared at Matt and smiled. They stayed like that for a few seconds, both of them staring at eahc other. Matt got the sense she was tyring to do something, as her eyelids kept flickering nervously.
Suddenly a scream sounded and they all looked at Amy, now lying limp on the leaves.
"Oh, God!" Jim cried and knelt down. He lifted Amy's head slowly.
"I... I'm fine..." she said weakly.
"What happened?" Matt asked urgently.
"I... I don't kn... know... It was just a p... pain in my head, it went round all my b... body..."
Matt and Jim both sughed and then Matt's brown eyes were upon Kess once more.
"Did you do that?" He asked angrily.
"How do you expect I did that?"
Matt frowned and said, "So are we lost?"
Kess smiled and reached behind her, she pulled back some branches and revealed the house. They all gasped.
The Mansion loomed over them, its tall spies and towers leaning towards them darkly, intimidatingly... The four teenages stared up at it in a mixture of fear and awe. It had dark, smoke scorched bricks and stained and cracked windows. It was huge - filling a whole clearing in the forest.
"So?" Kess asked, grinning. "What are you waiting for?"
She smiled and her eyes sparkled intently as she walked across the driveway to the Mansion.

The four of them wandered across the mossy gravel towards the house. When they reached the front door they all halted at the sudden smell - the smell of rotting flesh.
"This is weird," Amy protested. "It's sick."
"Look," Kes sturned to her. "Do you want to find this thing or not?"
Amy sighed and nodded glumly.
"Well then," Kess said. "Let's go."
"Wait a sec," Matt said as she reached across the pull the bell. She was new to the school and had invited them out to the house, the Cursed Abode, the mansion that killed off its inhabitents. They didn't really trust her yet. "What if the curse is true? What if we'll die if we go in ths place, and never - never come out?"
The other two nodded in approval and looked at Kess.
"Even if it is," she said darkly, stepping forward so that her nose was touching his. "Don't you wanna live to tell the tale?"
The three of them sighed. They knew she was right but didn't want to admit it.
"So let's go," Kess said and pulled on the bell-rope, the red velvet in stark contrast to her shocking pale skin and black nails.
The doro slowly opened - creaking eerily as it crawled back to reveal a room filled with darkness. They were about to take a step inside when a shriek emitted from within, slicing through the air like a knife. A bat shot from the shadows and skimmed past them, beady red eyes glinting with satisfaction, blood dripping from its fangs. Fangs? Bats dont have fangs...
"That's it," Jim said, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm outta - Amy!"
He was cut short as she pushed past him and ran into the mansion.
"Amy, come back! This isn't funny!" Matt cried into the house, but in vain - nobody replied.
Before the two boys could do anything Kess was running after her. They both shouted for then and ran in after their friends.

Kess wandered through the hallway blindly.
"Amy?" She whispered uneasily. "Are you there?"
Silence.
She walked on for a little while longer, in total black darkness. Frightful images ran through her head and she began to imagine what could be in the room with her. Bats, vampies, demons, werewolves, ghosts - for example. She shivered and moved on, hands flat against the wall the whole time. They ran along the mossy bricks until there were no more. Kess panicked. She turned around and tried to feel for another walla but all she got was air. Turning back round, she tried to feel for the original wall, but it was gone.
Suddenly she heard a whisper in her ear and started, nearly jumping out of her trembling white skin.
Silence.
Kess took deep breaths and tried to calm herself - which wasn't helped by more whispering.
"There is one among you..." the voice said, floating around her ears.
"Leave me alone!" Kess screamed. "Matt! Jim! AMY! HELP!"
"Apart from all the rest..."
"I was only joking before! Help!" Kess screamed. She tried to run but her feet seemed to be glued to the floor. A sharp pain seared a brain, as if something was coming out...
"You have done well, Princess..." the voice said and something wet and slippery grasped her shoulder.
Kess screamed.

Matt spun round in the direction of the noise. He looked at where he thought Jim was standing.
"That was no joke," he said.
"Agreed - let's go."
The two of them made their way hurriedly down the huge stairs and across the hallway to where the screams were coming from. But they had stopped, and they waited urgently for more navigation.
"Eugh!" Jim grunted. "This is ridiculas! She could be dying!"
"No! Wait! Jim!" Matt shouted as his friend abandoned him, startling some crows (at least that's what he hoped they were) in the rafters. They squawked and fled the roof, letting moonlight stream from the sky. A full moon - like this couldn't get any worse, Matt thought.
He looked down from the sky and nearly choked in fear. Suddenly everything was clear.
Jim was on his knees, blood spurting from the sickly space where his head wuld have been. Instead it hung grosly limp from the stump that was once his neck.
Kess was screaming uncontrollably and was backed up against the wall. In front of her Amy stood, grinning malevolently. Her eyes were wild and her hands and arms were drenched in sweat. Behind her there was something else. It turned and looked at Matt with flaming, silver eyes and shriekd in anger - lightning crackling from her hair and face. It was a ghost, or some sort of evil Demon, with flailing robes stained with crimson blood and transparent skin. The figure was hovering a few feet from the floor.
"Get him!" The spirit screeched, the shrieking noise slicing through Matt's head.
Amy turned to him and began to walk in his direction, evil eyes never leaving him.
"Amy!" Matt yelled, determined to find his friend amongst all the evil. "Remember me?"
Amy showed no signs of acknowledgement and just continued walking towards him.
"Amy, fod God's sake!" Matt yelled angrily, a tear rolling from his eye.
She kept on walking, she was nearly right in front of him.
Matt turned his attention to Kess, now shrivelled up in the corner crying.
"Keyy!" He shouted and she looked up. Only then did she seem to realise what AMy was doing and screamed.
"Matt! She's not herself! Get away! Go!"
Matt took one last look at Amy and a second tear rolled down his cheek, left hanging in the air as he made a run for the door. It was locked tight. He looked aroudn frantically, noticing the rafters where the birds had been, and below them - a chandelier. He could reach it from the window and climb out!
Matt ran up to the landing and tried to ease his shaking limbs as he clambered clumsily onto the chandelier.
By this time Amy had stopped walking and was watching Matt carefully. She grinned even more evilly and flew up to the chandelier. She stopped and faced Matt.
"No!" Kess called from below.
Matt froze.
"Goodbye, Matt," she said softly.
Matt frowned - that wans't her voice...
Amy reached forward with her right hand, which was now holding a small dagger. But Amy was left-handed, Matt thought...
"Kess! Kess, you liar!"
Amy grinned and hacked at the chandelier. In one clean swipe it was free and falling, Matt and all, to the floor. With a deafening crunch it stopped at the floor, successfully turning over fully in the air. There was a gently scream from Matt as he was crushed to death.
Amy smiled and closed her eyes, plunging the dagger into her breast. She fell, fluttering to the ground, until she landed in a pool of her own blood and died.
"Good work," the Demon Girl said to Kess, smiling.
Kess turned to her and smiled, and they both closed their eyes. Next thing, there was only one girl standing in the hall. Then, there was nobody.

It turns out the curse was true.


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Old 03-09-2004, 07:16 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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Aevin is an unknown quantity at this point
One thing you've got going for you here is the pure vividity of imagination. The story is incredibly imaginative and very . . . "colorful," if that makes any sense. Imagination is often something that weakens with age, and I caution you to hold on to yours for as long as possilbe. Through your writing, keep your imagination alive, since it will be a valuable asset in the future. Imagination is one element you need to write good fiction; the other is skill. Your story is beautifully imagined, but less than beautifully written.

The most obvious deficiency is with character. You have four teenage characters who are essentially indistinguishable from each other. There are two boys, and two girls. That is all. Without character, what could be your most exciting parts read something like a bad horror movie--four characters exist for no purpose but to be slaughtered. The death of these kids would be much more tragic and affecting if the reader knows them first. Choose a specific point of view, and give that character thoughts that mark him or her as an individual. Describe interesting personality traits he or she sees in the others--why is he/she friends with them? Embellish more on character emotions.

Quote:
He looked down from the sky and nearly choked in fear. Suddenly everything was clear.
Jim was on his knees, blood spurting from the sickly space where his head wuld have been. Instead it hung grosly limp from the stump that was once his neck.
This is an example of how you gloss over emotion that needs to be fully developed. Matt looks down at his friend and "nearly choked in fear." His friend has just died in an extremely gory, potentially traumatizing way, and you say the equivalent of, "Matt was a little scared." Multiple sentences, perhaps even a full paragraph, should be devoted to Matt's complex feelings as he sees Jim's corpse. You may worry that emotional descriptions in the middle of a scene will slow down the action, but so far this is not something you need to think about, since your story suffers from the opposite flaw. There are other places like this where emotion is equally sparse.

Glancing back over the story, it seems to me that Kess was partially "possessed" almost from the beginning. You could have a lot of fun describing her from others' points of view, describing her odd behavior, while making sure not to give away the "punchline." Or, you could adopt her point of view, and have her wonder why she feels so strange . . . up until the point where she is actually possessed in the hallway.

In the final scene, the action seems to take place too quickly. If you had developed Matt's character more, you could slow the action down a little with his emotional reactions to the scene. As it stands, the action blurs by, and it's difficult to even understand what happens.

Also, there are a few holes in the plot. My major question is what the kids were doing here in the first place.

Overall, you've got a very entertaining story with all the imaginative potential it needs. Keep working on it, developing plot and character, but be careful not to lose the energy of this draft. Do this, and you can make this an excellent short story.
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Old 03-10-2004, 11:57 AM   #3
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Location: Small village near Birmingham, England
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Blackdragonhide
Thanks for the advice (eventually)

Sometimes I write so fast because my mind is working faster that my hands can. I will try to remember this in future

Quote:
My major question is what the kids were doing here in the first place.
I thought I mentioned this in the story but upon looking back I don't think I have really either:

Quote:
......She was new to the school and had invited them out to the house, the Cursed Abode, the mansion that killed off its inhabitents......
Thanks alot for your advice.
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~ ~ "Is life a game or are we just the pieces?"
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